[Rhodes22-list] jokes

Fri, 9 Aug 2002 08:36:10 -0400

This is a multi-part message in MIME format.

------=_NextPart_000_0037_01C23F7F.D00CC710
Content-Type: text/plain;
	charset="iso-8859-1"
Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable

WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD????

GEORGE W. BUSH:
I don't think I should have to answer that question.

AL GORE:
I invented the chicken. I invented the road. Therefore, the
chicken crossing the road represented the application of
these two different functions of government in a new,
reinvented way designed to bring greater services to the
American people.

RALPH NADER:
The chicken's habitat on the original side of the road had
been polluted by unchecked industrialist greed. The chicken
did not reach the unspoiled habitat on the other side of the
road because it was crushed by the wheels of a gas-guzzling
SUV.

PAT BUCHANAN:
To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.

RUSH LIMBAUGH:
I don't know why the chicken crossed the road, but I'll bet
it was getting a government grant to cross the road, and
I'll bet someone out there is already forming a support
group to help chickens with crossing-the-road syndrome. Can
you believe this? How much more of this can real Americans
take? Chickens crossing the road paid for by their tax
dollars, and when I say tax dollars, I'm talking about your
money, money the government took from you to build roads for
chickens to cross.

MARTHA STEWART:
If the chicken crossed the road on my property, I would be
fully justified in blocking its exit until the local
authorities could arrive to arrest it for trespassing. I am
a private person and should not have to be subjected to the
"innocent mistakes" of common chickens.

JERRY FALWELL:
Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you
people see the plain truth in front of your face? The
chicken was going to the "other side." That's what "they"
call it - the "other side." Yes, my friends, that chicken is
gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too.
I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this
abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with
seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side."

DR. SEUSS:
Did the chicken cross the road?
Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes! The chicken crossed the road,
But why it crossed, I've not been told!

ERNEST HEMINGWAY:
To die. In the rain. Alone.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.:
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross
roads without having their motives called into question.

GRANDPA:
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road.
Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that
was good enough for us.

BARBARA WALTERS:
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments we will be
listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the
heartwarming story of how it overcame a serious case of
molting and went on to accomplish its lifelong dream of
crossing the road.

JOHN LENNON:
Imagine all the chickens crossing roads in peace.

ARISTOTLE:
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

KARL MARX:
It was a historical inevitability.

SADDAM HUSSEIN:
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite
justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

VOLTAIRE:
I may not agree with what the chicken did, but I will defend
to the death its right to do it.

RONALD REAGAN:
What chicken?

KEN STARR:
I intend to prove that the chicken crossed the road at the
behest of the President of the United States of America in
an effort to distract law enforcement officials and the
American public from the criminal wrongdoing our highest
elected official has been trying to cover up. As a result,
the chicken is just another pawn in the president's ongoing
and elaborate scheme to obstruct justice and undermine the
rule of law. For that reason, my staff intends to offer the
chicken unconditional immunity provided he cooperates fully
with our investigation. Furthermore, the chicken will not be
permitted to reach the other side of the road until our
investigation and any Congressional follow-up investigations
have been completed.

CAPTAIN KIRK:
To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

FOX MULDER:
You saw it cross the road with your own eyes! How Many more
chickens have to cross before you believe it?

FREUD:
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken
crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES:
I have just released eChicken 2003, which will not only
cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important
documents, and balance your checkbook---and Internet
Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.

EINSTEIN:
Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move
beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON:
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What Do you mean
by chicken? Could you define chicken please?

LOUIS FARRAKHAN:
The road, you will see, represents the black man. The
chicken crossed the "black man" in order to Trample him and
keep him down.

THE BIBLE:
And God came down from the heavens, and He said Unto the
chicken," Thou shalt cross the road" And the chicken crossed
the road, and there was much rejoicing.

COLONEL SANDERS:
I missed one?

++
EBITDA =3D Earnings Before I Tricked the Dumb Auditor.
EBIT =3D Earnings Before Irregularities and Tampering.
CEO =3D Chief Embezzlement Officer.
CFO =3D Corporate Fraud Officer.
NAV =3D Normal Andersen Valuation.
IRR =3D Irregular Revenue Recognition
EPS =3D Eventual Prison Sentence

++
Area husband pretends to give a shit

Lafayette, Ga. -- Attempting to pacify his wife Jena's
incessant desire for verbal interaction, area husband Chris
Woodman pretended to give a shit Tuesday as his wife of six
years initiated and dominated a series of prolonged
dialogues regarding an array of unrelated, unimportant
subjects. According to Woodman, the thoroughly pointless
conversation - which comprehensively detailed his wife's
work day, lunch experience, plans for the evening and
friend's relationship difficulties - took place in the
living room of the couple's Lafayette home at approximately
6 p.m., shortly after Woodman began watching television in
an effort to unwind from work. "I love my wife, but Jesus,
does she like to talk sometimes," said Woodman, 30, who
works as a field technician for a local civil engineering
firm. "I wanted to just come home [from work] and chill out
for awhile, but Jena immediately launches into these long,
boring stories about what happened at work and what's going
on with a friend of hers and a bunch of other stuff. I just
tried to act like I was paying attention and hoped it
wouldn't go on too long." Occasionally retorting with such
all-purpose conversation perpetuators as "That's nice,
honey" and "No kidding? Huh," Woodman pretended to give a
shit about his wife's exhaustively detailed personal
accounts until just after 6:45 p.m., when Jena was forced to
interrupt the one-sided exchange to receive a telephone call
from her longtime friend Nelly Smith. "Saved by the bell, I
guess you'd say," Woodman jokingly explained, adding that he
used the brief interruption to exit the room and seek solace
behind some cardboard boxes in the basement, where he
remained for several hours.

Woodman acknowledged that although the lengthy, expendable
conversation depleted a good amount of his after-work
leisure time, the 45 minutes spent maintaining a convincing,
give-a-shit veneer was not a complete waste. "I was able to
give some thought to a few things I hadn't had time for,"
said Woodman, who admitted to mentally drifting "light-years
away" from his wife's inane banter. "While Jena was busy
carrying on about God-knows-what, I was trying to figure out
the significance of a couple of scenes from the movie
Memento, which we had rented a few nights back. I think I've
got most of [the plot] figured out now." In addition to
analyzing the storyline of the 2001 feature, Woodman
mentally planned the couple's upcoming camping trip and also
reminisced about his 1996 bachelor party weekend in Las
Vegas - all the while remembering to nod, say "Yeah," and
display other characteristics indicative of a person who is
giving a shit. Woodman said he often pretends to give a shit
about what his wife says. "Somebody - a guy - once told me
that women tend to work things out in their heads by talking
things out, so most of the time it isn't really necessary to
listen to everything a woman says," said Woodman. "It's been
my experience that the theory usually holds true. So I tend
to just keep my mouth shut and let her talk herself out."
Added Woodman: "Besides, if something's really important to
her, I'll pick up on it right away because she'll be
yelling. Then it's time to get involved in what I'm sure she
feels is an extremely important conversation." After six
years of marriage, Woodman said he feels that his
willingness to pretend to give a shit about what his wife
says is vital to the health of their relationship. "If I
didn't sit there in total silence, staring off into the
distance but occasionally grunting out an 'Oh yeah?' or a
"No kidding,' Jena would probably start to think we have a
communication problem," said Woodman. "Sure, I could just
walk out of the room when she starts barking out her
meaningless ramblings, but that would be equivalent to just
coming right out and saying that she's boring me." "I
pretend to give a shit because I care," Woodman added.

- submitted by Chris Helin

--
DIFFICULT WORDS TO SAY WHEN YOU ARE DRUNK.

Specificity
Indubitably
Innovative
Preliminary
Proliferation
Cinnamon
British Constitution

*************************************************

IMPOSSIBLE PHRASES TO SAY WHEN YOU ARE DRUNK

Thanks, but I don't want sex.
No, I don't want another drink.
No kebab for me thanks.
Sorry, but you're not good looking enough for me.
Good evening officer.
I'm not interested in fighting you.
No one wants to hear me sing.

- submitted by Ruth Comerato

--
A Blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open and
her right breast hanging out. A policeman approaches her and
says, "Ma'am, are you aware that I could cite you for
indecent exposure?" She said, "Why officer?" "Because your
breast is hanging out." She looks down and says, "OH MY GOD,
I left the baby on the bus again!"
_____________________________________

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the
freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that
the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she
was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper
cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled,
"PULLOVER! "NO," the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"
________________________________________

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her
very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a
huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just
yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect
me to show it to you!"
___________________________________

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her
turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on "Science &
Nature." Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and
someone calls your name, can you hear it?" She thought for a
time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
_____________________________________

There was a blonde woman who was having financial troubles
so she decided to kidnap a child and demand a ransom. She
went to a local park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind
a tree and wrote this note. I have kidnapped your child.
Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree
in the park tomorrow at 7 A.M. Signed, The Blonde" She
pinned the note inside the little boy's jacket and told him
to go straight home. The next morning, she returned to the
park to find the $10,000 in a brown bag, behind the big oak
tree, just as she had instructed. Inside the bag was the
following note... "Here is your money. I cannot believe that
one blonde would do this to another!"

- submitted by John Redfield

--

------=_NextPart_000_0037_01C23F7F.D00CC710
Content-Type: text/html;
	charset="iso-8859-1"
Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable

<!DOCTYPE HTML PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD HTML 4.0 Transitional//EN">
<HTML><HEAD>
<META http-equiv=3DContent-Type content=3D"text/html; =
charset=3Diso-8859-1">
<META content=3D"MSHTML 6.00.2716.2200" name=3DGENERATOR>
<STYLE></STYLE>
</HEAD>
<BODY bgColor=3D#ffffff>
<DIV>WHY DID THE=20
CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD???? GEORGE W. BUSH: I don't think I =
should have=20
to answer that question. AL GORE: I invented the chicken. I =
invented=20
the road. Therefore, the chicken crossing the road represented the=20
application of these two different functions of government in a=20
new, reinvented way designed to bring greater services to =
the American=20
people. RALPH NADER: The chicken's habitat on the original =
side of the=20
road had been polluted by unchecked industrialist greed. The =
chicken did=20
not reach the unspoiled habitat on the other side of the road because =
it was=20
crushed by the wheels of a gas-guzzling SUV. PAT =
BUCHANAN: To steal=20
a job from a decent, hardworking American. RUSH LIMBAUGH: I =
don't know=20
why the chicken crossed the road, but I'll bet it was getting a =
government=20
grant to cross the road, and I'll bet someone out there is already =
forming a=20
support group to help chickens with crossing-the-road syndrome. =
Can you=20
believe this? How much more of this can real Americans take? Chickens =

crossing the road paid for by their tax dollars, and when I say tax =
dollars,=20
I'm talking about your money, money the government took from you to =
build=20
roads for chickens to cross. MARTHA STEWART: If the chicken =
crossed=20
the road on my property, I would be fully justified in blocking its =
exit=20
until the local authorities could arrive to arrest it for =
trespassing. I=20
am a private person and should not have to be subjected to =
the "innocent=20
mistakes" of common chickens. JERRY FALWELL: Because the =
chicken was=20
gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front =
of your=20
face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's what =
"they" call=20
it - the "other side." Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if =
you eat=20
that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens =
until we=20
sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes=20
with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side." DR.=20
SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a=20
toad? Yes! The chicken crossed the road, But why it crossed, I've =
not been=20
told! ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain. =
Alone. MARTIN=20
LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free =
to=20
cross roads without having their motives called into=20
question. GRANDPA: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken =
crossed=20
the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and =
that was=20
good enough for us. BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? =
In a few=20
moments we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, =

the heartwarming story of how it overcame a serious case =
of molting and=20
went on to accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the =
road. JOHN=20
LENNON: Imagine all the chickens crossing roads in=20
peace. ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the=20
road. KARL MARX: It was a historical =
inevitability. SADDAM=20
HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were=20
quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on =
it. VOLTAIRE: I=20
may not agree with what the chicken did, but I will defend to the =
death its=20
right to do it. RONALD REAGAN: What chicken? KEN =
STARR: I=20
intend to prove that the chicken crossed the road at the behest of =
the=20
President of the United States of America in an effort to distract =
law=20
enforcement officials and the American public from the criminal =
wrongdoing=20
our highest elected official has been trying to cover up. As a =
result, the=20
chicken is just another pawn in the president's ongoing and elaborate =
scheme=20
to obstruct justice and undermine the rule of law. For that reason, =
my staff=20
intends to offer the chicken unconditional immunity provided he =
cooperates=20
fully with our investigation. Furthermore, the chicken will not=20
be permitted to reach the other side of the road until =
our investigation=20
and any Congressional follow-up investigations have been=20
completed. CAPTAIN KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has =
gone=20
before. FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own =
eyes! How=20
Many more chickens have to cross before you believe =
it? FREUD: The=20
fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road =
reveals=20
your underlying sexual insecurity. BILL GATES: I have just =
released=20
eChicken 2003, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, =
file your=20
important documents, and balance your checkbook---and =
Internet Explorer is=20
an inextricable part of eChicken. EINSTEIN: Did the chicken =
really=20
cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken? BILL=20
CLINTON: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What Do you =
mean by=20
chicken? Could you define chicken please? LOUIS FARRAKHAN: The =
road,=20
you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the =
"black man"=20
in order to Trample him and keep him down. THE BIBLE: And =
God came=20
down from the heavens, and He said Unto the chicken," Thou shalt =
cross the=20
road" And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much=20
rejoicing. COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one? ++ EBITDA =
=3D=20
Earnings Before I Tricked the Dumb Auditor. EBIT =3D Earnings Before=20
Irregularities and Tampering. CEO =3D Chief Embezzlement =
Officer. CFO =3D=20
Corporate Fraud Officer. NAV =3D Normal Andersen Valuation. IRR =
=3D Irregular=20
Revenue Recognition EPS =3D Eventual Prison =
Sentence ++ Area husband=20
pretends to give a shit Lafayette, Ga. -- Attempting to pacify =
his wife=20
Jena's incessant desire for verbal interaction, area husband =
Chris Woodman=20
pretended to give a shit Tuesday as his wife of six years initiated =
and=20
dominated a series of prolonged dialogues regarding an array of =
unrelated,=20
unimportant subjects. According to Woodman, the thoroughly=20
pointless conversation - which comprehensively detailed his =
wife's work=20
day, lunch experience, plans for the evening and friend's =
relationship=20
difficulties - took place in the living room of the couple's =
Lafayette home=20
at approximately 6 p.m., shortly after Woodman began watching =
television=20
in an effort to unwind from work. "I love my wife, but Jesus, does =
she=20
like to talk sometimes," said Woodman, 30, who works as a field =
technician=20
for a local civil engineering firm. "I wanted to just come home [from =
work]=20
and chill out for awhile, but Jena immediately launches into these=20
long, boring stories about what happened at work and what's =
going on with=20
a friend of hers and a bunch of other stuff. I just tried to act like =
I was=20
paying attention and hoped it wouldn't go on too long." Occasionally=20
retorting with such all-purpose conversation perpetuators as "That's=20
nice, honey" and "No kidding? Huh," Woodman pretended to give =
a shit about=20
his wife's exhaustively detailed personal accounts until just after =
6:45=20
p.m., when Jena was forced to interrupt the one-sided exchange to =
receive a=20
telephone call from her longtime friend Nelly Smith. "Saved by the =
bell,=20
I guess you'd say," Woodman jokingly explained, adding that =
he used the=20
brief interruption to exit the room and seek solace behind some =
cardboard=20
boxes in the basement, where he remained for several =
hours. Woodman=20
acknowledged that although the lengthy, expendable conversation =
depleted a=20
good amount of his after-work leisure time, the 45 minutes spent =
maintaining=20
a convincing, give-a-shit veneer was not a complete waste. "I was =
able=20
to give some thought to a few things I hadn't had time for," said =
Woodman,=20
who admitted to mentally drifting "light-years away" from his wife's =
inane=20
banter. "While Jena was busy carrying on about God-knows-what, I was =
trying=20
to figure out the significance of a couple of scenes from the=20
movie Memento, which we had rented a few nights back. I think =
I've got=20
most of [the plot] figured out now." In addition to analyzing the =
storyline=20
of the 2001 feature, Woodman mentally planned the couple's upcoming =
camping=20
trip and also reminisced about his 1996 bachelor party weekend in=20
Las Vegas - all the while remembering to nod, say "Yeah," =
and display=20
other characteristics indicative of a person who is giving a shit. =
Woodman=20
said he often pretends to give a shit about what his wife says. =
"Somebody - a=20
guy - once told me that women tend to work things out in their heads =
by=20
talking things out, so most of the time it isn't really necessary=20
to listen to everything a woman says," said Woodman. "It's been my =

experience that the theory usually holds true. So I tend to just keep =
my=20
mouth shut and let her talk herself out." Added Woodman: "Besides, if =

something's really important to her, I'll pick up on it right away =
because=20
she'll be yelling. Then it's time to get involved in what I'm sure=20
she feels is an extremely important conversation." After six years =
of=20
marriage, Woodman said he feels that his willingness to pretend to =
give a=20
shit about what his wife says is vital to the health of their =
relationship.=20
"If I didn't sit there in total silence, staring off into =
the distance but=20
occasionally grunting out an 'Oh yeah?' or a "No kidding,' Jena would =

probably start to think we have a communication problem," said =
Woodman.=20
"Sure, I could just walk out of the room when she starts barking out=20
her meaningless ramblings, but that would be equivalent to =
just coming=20
right out and saying that she's boring me." "I pretend to give a shit =
because=20
I care," Woodman added. - submitted by Chris =
Helin -- DIFFICULT=20
WORDS TO SAY WHEN YOU ARE=20
DRUNK. Specificity Indubitably Innovative Preliminary =
Proliferation Cinnamon British=20
Constitution ************************************************* =
 IMPOSSIBLE=20
PHRASES TO SAY WHEN YOU ARE DRUNK Thanks, but I don't want =
sex. No, I=20
don't want another drink. No kebab for me thanks. Sorry, but =
you're not=20
good looking enough for me. Good evening officer. I'm not =
interested in=20
fighting you. No one wants to hear me sing. - submitted by =
Ruth=20
Comerato -- A Blonde is walking down the street with her =
blouse open=20
and her right breast hanging out. A policeman approaches her =
and says,=20
"Ma'am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?" =
She said,=20
"Why officer?" "Because your breast is hanging out." She looks down =
and says,=20
"OH MY GOD, I left the baby on the bus=20
again!" _____________________________________ A highway =
patrolman=20
pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, =
he was=20
astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! =
Realizing=20
that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the=20
trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and=20
yelled, "PULLOVER! "NO," the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A=20
SCARF!" ________________________________________ A police =
officer=20
stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see =
her=20
license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act =
together.=20
Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you =
expect me to=20
show it to you!" ___________________________________ A blonde =
was=20
playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the =
dice and=20
she landed on "Science &amp; Nature." Her question was, "If you are =
in a=20
vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?" She thought for =

a time and then asked, "Is it on or=20
off?" _____________________________________ There was a blonde =
woman=20
who was having financial troubles so she decided to kidnap a child =
and demand=20
a ransom. She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy, took him=20
behind a tree and wrote this note. I have kidnapped your =
child. Leave=20
$10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park =
tomorrow at=20
7 A.M. Signed, The Blonde" She pinned the note inside the little =
boy's jacket=20
and told him to go straight home. The next morning, she returned to=20
the park to find the $10,000 in a brown bag, behind the big =
oak tree, just=20
as she had instructed. Inside the bag was the following note... "Here =
is your=20
money. I cannot believe that one blonde would do this to =
another!" -=20
submitted by John =
Redfield -- </DIV></BODY></HTML>

------=_NextPart_000_0037_01C23F7F.D00CC710--