[Rhodes22-list] jokes
Michael Meltzer
rhodes22-list@rhodes22.org
Mon, 12 Aug 2002 11:35:02 -0400
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Dilbert Newsletter 42.0
-----------------------
To: Dogbert's New Ruling Class (DNRC)
From: Scott Adams
Highlights
-------------------------------------------------
* DNRC Update
* My Buzz Cut
* Dealing With Induhviduals
* Sentences Never Before Uttered
* True Tales of Induhviduals
* DNRC Book Club
* Signs of Induhviduality
* Benefits of Being a Weirdo
* True Quotes From Induhviduals
* Dogbert Answers My Mail
-------------------------------------------------
DNRC Update
-----------
Wow. There are 585,000 DNRC members. Each of us is a
towering example of beauty and intelligence. Except for me,
as I will explain below.
My Buzz Cut
-----------
I recently joined the ranks of hairless studs such as Bruce
Willis and Andre Agassi, thanks to an aggressive mowing of
my own dome. I remember the exact moment I decided to go for
it. I was having lunch with two friends who had already
blazed the trail to cue ball city. One of them - a notorious
giver of nicknames -- referred to my old hairstyle choice as
the "pink yarmulke." That pretty much sealed the deal.
The most shocking thing about getting a buzz cut (I didn't
go all the way) is that you suddenly realize your head is
much smaller than you ever would have imagined. I've
developed a sudden fear of ping-pong. Unfortunately, my
ears, nose and glasses stayed exactly the same size thus
giving me a Mr. Potato Head look that I hope will one day
become fashionable.
On the plus side, I find endless amusement rubbing my head
with my hand. You would think I'd get bored doing that, but
you would be mistaken. That's why it's taken me so long to
write this newsletter; I'm typing with one hand.
I try to resist rubbing my head, but I don't have the
willpower. I tried to cut down from two hands to one. That
worked for a few days, but the next thing I knew I was
slipping off a shoe and trying to get a foot involved. It's
a small problem now, but I'm afraid it's like a gateway
habit, a stepping-stone to worse addictions. I'm already
eyeing other parts of my body and wondering how that stubble
would feel. It's a sickness, really.
Dealing With Induhviduals
-------------------------
It's fun to apologize to Induhviduals in ways that are more
insulting than sincere. The first two examples come from
DNRC members. The rest are my contributions, although I
can't imagine someone hasn't said them before.
o I haven't been ignoring you; I've been prioritizing you.
o You're the best thing since sliced tea.
o No, those pants don't make you look fatter. I mean, how
could they?
o When I think of all the people I respect the most, you're
right there, serving them drinks.
o I love you more today than tomorrow.
Sentences Never Before Uttered
------------------------------
I like to spot sentences that I'm certain have never before
been spoken. Today I heard this one: "Marisa is in charge of
snouts." That requires some explanation.
My upcoming hardcover book, due out in late October, is
called "Dilbert and the Way of the Weasel." We were looking
for some plastic weasel-like snouts to use for promotion.
While it is entirely possible that other people have been in
charge of snouts, I doubt that any have ever been named
Marisa.
True Tales of Induhviduals
--------------------------
Have you recently forgotten where you left your keys? Maybe
you're thinking you're losing your keen mental edge. If so,
read these true tales of Induhviduals, as reported by DNRC
operatives in the field, and you'll see how brilliant you
really are, relatively speaking.
--
When I remarked that this Friday is the longest day of the
year, our receptionist looked puzzled and asked, "You mean
it's longer than 24 hours?"
--
During our recent quarterly division conference call, our
division CIO made the following statement: "We do a great
job of servicing our customers from the front end, but we
must all remember to continue servicing our clients through
the back end."
--
The other morning, two people walked by me on their way to
the elevator. One said to the other, "So, where do all these
elevators go? Are there other floors?" I laughed so hard
milk flew out of my cube neighbor's nose.
--
One of my Dad's retired friends spends nine months a year in
Wisconsin and goes to Florida for the winter. One year,
while he was in Florida, he got a call from the police. His
neighbor in Wisconsin, who had a key, had entered his home
to check that everything was okay with the house. The house
was a shambles and he called the police to report a
burglary. The police officer reported: "The house appears to
have been ransacked." My Dad's friend immediately bought a
plane ticket and flew 1,000 miles home to discover that the
house looked exactly the way it always looks.
--
I saw this statement about a company's services:
"You've taken your first step into a bold new realm that
will transform your imagination into a vision."
--
I work in a bank. An Induhvidual tried to return the stamps
she had purchased because they "did not work." The stamps
were self-stick, and she was licking the shiny paper that
you're supposed to peel off.
DNRC Book Club
--------------
You might have seen some of the media frenzy about Stephen
Wolfram's new 800+ page book called "A New Kind of Science."
It's a huge bestseller. He's a physicist who has a theory
that the whole universe - including everything from
evolution to physics to free will - can be understood as a
simple program with maybe two or three simple rules. He
shows lots of examples of how simple programs can, given
enough time, create all of the sorts of patterns and
complexity found in nature. For his work, Wolfram is
routinely compared to Einstein and Newton.
Or you can read the same theory, published a year earlier,
in my fiction book, "God's Debris." (See page 55 in the
hardcover. Really.) For my work, I am routinely compared to
Bozo the Clown, Charles Manson, and steaming piles of offal.
I assume Wolfram gets more respect than I do because he's a
polymath genius whereas my only other theory is, "You are
what you eat, so don't eat a falafel because then you'll
feel-awful." That's the sort of theory that can come back
and haunt you.
Signs of Induhviduality
-----------------------
When Dogbert takes over the world, the first thing he'll do
is make it illegal for Induhviduals to make signs. Until
then, enjoy these sightings.
--
Seen on a Taco Bell sign in Coralville, Iowa:
"Everyday low value"
--
There's a dry cleaner here in Albany, NY, that offers "Swede
Cleaning."
--
There is a sign on a church in Greenfield, MA, that says:
"HOW DO YOU FIND JESUS?"
The next line down says:
"RUMMAGE SALE Saturday 8-2."
--
A sign on a gun shop in downtown Chandler, AZ, reads:
"Guns, Ammo, Picnic Supplies"
[editor's note: That's a bad place to start a food fight.]
--
In Vancouver, British Columbia, on a folding sign in front
of a small language school:
"English Tootering"
--
A workman on a construction project at our facility left
this neatly-lettered warning sign:
"WARNING - HOLE IN FLOOR ABOVE DOORWAY BELOW."
I didn't look under the sign, however, for fear of being
sucked into another dimension.
--
An ad running here in Charlotte, NC:
"Local talent agency seeks expiring models..."
Benefits of Being a Weirdo
--------------------------
One of the many benefits of being a weirdo is that
sometimes, entirely by accident, you can end up looking like
a visionary. I became a vegetarian years ago when I
discovered that I don't digest meat very well. So when I
started my food company, Scott Adams Foods, Inc., I made our
products vegetarian (now also vegan) so that everyone,
including weirdos like me, could eat it. The goal was to
provide a nutritious (engineered) meal for people who cared
about that sort of thing. It's important because most food,
including vegetarian food, is either vitamin-free or
fattening or low on protein or inconvenient. Everything
seemed to have a trade-off. We tried to fix that.
Suddenly, I don't seem like such a weirdo. All the major
news outlets are featuring stories about the importance of
diet. And the timing is good, because I'm moving my food
products - The Dilberito (handheld nutritious burrito) and
Protein Chef (meat substitute made from wheat protein) into
foodservice channels. So if your college or business
cafeteria doesn't have the variety that you want, you might
want to encourage them to look at http://www.dilberito.com
for some options.
It's too late for you to be a weirdo, but you can still get
in on the ground floor of being a visionary.
True Quotes From Induhviduals
-----------------------------
Here are more true quotes submitted by DNRC members. Most of
these were spoken by managers. As always, Induhviduals
continue to be confused by critters, food items, nature, and
body parts.
--
"We need to iron out our bread and butter."
--
"I don't need a compass to tell me which way the wind
shines!"
--
"You don't want me down here breathing down your throats."
--
"That floor is so clean you could comb your hair off of it."
--
"I think we should go for the whole ball of wood."
--
"We're going to clean the competition's lunch."
--
"It's like the blind talking to the blind!"
--
"We've baked our cake, now we have to eat it."
--
"She's totally green under the collar."
--
My boss told me I was a "sword in his thigh."
--
At the completion of my on-campus job interview, which I
thought went well, I was told by the interviewer, "You'll
hear from us one way or the other or not at all."
Dogbert Answers My Mail
-----------------------
In this section Dogbert answer the e-mail that I am too
polite to answer myself. These are all based on real e-mail
messages but the names have been changed to make them
funnier.
--
Dear Mr. Adams,
This is my fifth letter to you. You never respond! What do
you think about the first letter that I sent? Are my ideas
good? Tell me if you use them.
Brad
Dear Brat,
Mr. Adams doesn't remember your first letter, but judging
from the quality of your most recent letter, he's sure your
ideas are brilliant. When Mr. Adams uses your ideas - and
I'm sure he will - I will send you a secret coded message
via your bed sheets.
Sincerely,
Dogbert
---
Dear Mr. Adams,
Your recent comic suggested that there was something wrong
with banjo manufacturers and banjos. Banjo makers deserve
more than a backhanded dismissal in your comic strip. In
fact, banjos are exciting and unique handcrafted
instruments. Perhaps those who know absolutely nothing about
banjos should refrain from making thoughtless judgments.
Jeremy
Dear Germy,
Mr. Adams offers his sincere apology for offending banjo
makers and users. The last thing he wants to do is irritate
hillbillies, Republican senators who perform in barbershop
quartets, and the guy who wrote the letter above yours. From
now on, Mr. Adams will only mock musical instruments that
have less passionate supporters. I plan to do some research
on nose-whistling to see if it has an organized lobbying
group.
Sincerely,
Dogbert
--Scott Adams
--
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<DIV>Dilbert Newsletter=20
42.0<BR>-----------------------<BR><BR>To: =
Dogbert's New=20
Ruling Class (DNRC)<BR>From: Scott=20
Adams<BR><BR>Highlights<BR>----------------------------------------------=
---<BR>*=20
DNRC Update<BR>* My Buzz Cut<BR>* Dealing With Induhviduals<BR>* =
Sentences Never=20
Before Uttered<BR>* True Tales of Induhviduals<BR>* DNRC Book Club<BR>* =
Signs of=20
Induhviduality<BR>* Benefits of Being a Weirdo<BR>* True Quotes From=20
Induhviduals<BR>* Dogbert Answers My=20
Mail<BR>-------------------------------------------------<BR><BR>DNRC=20
Update<BR>-----------<BR>Wow. There are 585,000 DNRC members. Each of us =
is=20
a<BR>towering example of beauty and intelligence. Except for me,<BR>as I =
will=20
explain below.<BR><BR>My Buzz Cut<BR>-----------<BR>I recently joined =
the ranks=20
of hairless studs such as Bruce<BR>Willis and Andre Agassi, thanks to an =
aggressive mowing of<BR>my own dome. I remember the exact moment I =
decided to go=20
for<BR>it. I was having lunch with two friends who had already<BR>blazed =
the=20
trail to cue ball city. One of them - a notorious<BR>giver of nicknames =
--=20
referred to my old hairstyle choice as<BR>the "pink yarmulke." That =
pretty much=20
sealed the deal.<BR><BR>The most shocking thing about getting a buzz cut =
(I=20
didn't<BR>go all the way) is that you suddenly realize your head =
is<BR>much=20
smaller than you ever would have imagined. I've<BR>developed a sudden =
fear of=20
ping-pong. Unfortunately, my<BR>ears, nose and glasses stayed exactly =
the same=20
size thus<BR>giving me a Mr. Potato Head look that I hope will one =
day<BR>become=20
fashionable.<BR><BR>On the plus side, I find endless amusement rubbing =
my=20
head<BR>with my hand. You would think I'd get bored doing that, =
but<BR>you would=20
be mistaken. That's why it's taken me so long to<BR>write this =
newsletter; I'm=20
typing with one hand.<BR><BR>I try to resist rubbing my head, but I =
don't have=20
the<BR>willpower. I tried to cut down from two hands to one. =
That<BR>worked for=20
a few days, but the next thing I knew I was<BR>slipping off a shoe and =
trying to=20
get a foot involved. It's<BR>a small problem now, but I'm afraid it's =
like a=20
gateway<BR>habit, a stepping-stone to worse addictions. I'm =
already<BR>eyeing=20
other parts of my body and wondering how that stubble<BR>would feel. =
It's a=20
sickness, really.<BR><BR>Dealing With=20
Induhviduals<BR>-------------------------<BR>It's fun to apologize to=20
Induhviduals in ways that are more<BR>insulting than sincere. The first =
two=20
examples come from<BR>DNRC members. The rest are my contributions, =
although=20
I<BR>can't imagine someone hasn't said them before.<BR><BR>o I haven't =
been=20
ignoring you; I've been prioritizing you.<BR>o You're the best thing =
since=20
sliced tea.<BR>o No, those pants don't make you look fatter. I mean,=20
how<BR>could they?<BR>o When I think of all the people I respect the =
most,=20
you're<BR>right there, serving them drinks.<BR>o I love you more today =
than=20
tomorrow.<BR><BR>Sentences Never Before=20
Uttered<BR>------------------------------<BR>I like to spot sentences =
that I'm=20
certain have never before<BR>been spoken. Today I heard this one: =
"Marisa is in=20
charge of<BR>snouts." That requires some explanation.<BR><BR>My upcoming =
hardcover book, due out in late October, is<BR>called "Dilbert and the =
Way of=20
the Weasel." We were looking<BR>for some plastic weasel-like snouts to =
use for=20
promotion.<BR>While it is entirely possible that other people have been=20
in<BR>charge of snouts, I doubt that any have ever been=20
named<BR>Marisa.<BR><BR>True Tales of=20
Induhviduals<BR>--------------------------<BR>Have you recently =
forgotten where=20
you left your keys? Maybe<BR>you're thinking you're losing your keen =
mental=20
edge. If so,<BR>read these true tales of Induhviduals, as reported by=20
DNRC<BR>operatives in the field, and you'll see how brilliant =
you<BR>really are,=20
relatively speaking.<BR><BR>--<BR>When I remarked that this Friday is =
the=20
longest day of the<BR>year, our receptionist looked puzzled and asked, =
"You=20
mean<BR>it's longer than 24 hours?"<BR><BR>--<BR>During our recent =
quarterly=20
division conference call, our<BR>division CIO made the following =
statement: "We=20
do a great<BR>job of servicing our customers from the front end, but =
we<BR>must=20
all remember to continue servicing our clients through<BR>the back=20
end."<BR><BR>--<BR>The other morning, two people walked by me on their =
way=20
to<BR>the elevator. One said to the other, "So, where do all =
these<BR>elevators=20
go? Are there other floors?" I laughed so hard<BR>milk flew out of my =
cube=20
neighbor's nose.<BR><BR>--<BR>One of my Dad's retired friends spends =
nine months=20
a year in<BR>Wisconsin and goes to Florida for the winter. One =
year,<BR>while he=20
was in Florida, he got a call from the police. His<BR>neighbor in =
Wisconsin, who=20
had a key, had entered his home<BR>to check that everything was okay =
with the=20
house. The house<BR>was a shambles and he called the police to report=20
a<BR>burglary. The police officer reported: "The house appears =
to<BR>have been=20
ransacked." My Dad's friend immediately bought a<BR>plane ticket and =
flew 1,000=20
miles home to discover that the<BR>house looked exactly the way it =
always=20
looks.<BR><BR>--<BR>I saw this statement about a company's=20
services:<BR><BR>"You've taken your first step into a bold new realm=20
that<BR>will transform your imagination into a vision."<BR><BR>--<BR>I =
work in a=20
bank. An Induhvidual tried to return the stamps<BR>she had purchased =
because=20
they "did not work." The stamps<BR>were self-stick, and she was licking =
the=20
shiny paper that<BR>you're supposed to peel off.<BR><BR><BR>DNRC Book=20
Club<BR>--------------<BR>You might have seen some of the media frenzy =
about=20
Stephen<BR>Wolfram's new 800+ page book called "A New Kind of =
Science."<BR>It's=20
a huge bestseller. He's a physicist who has a theory<BR>that the whole =
universe=20
- including everything from<BR>evolution to physics to free will - can =
be=20
understood as a<BR>simple program with maybe two or three simple rules.=20
He<BR>shows lots of examples of how simple programs can, given<BR>enough =
time,=20
create all of the sorts of patterns and<BR>complexity found in nature. =
For his=20
work, Wolfram is<BR>routinely compared to Einstein and Newton.<BR><BR>Or =
you can=20
read the same theory, published a year earlier,<BR>in my fiction book, =
"God's=20
Debris." (See page 55 in the<BR>hardcover. Really.) For my work, I am =
routinely=20
compared to<BR>Bozo the Clown, Charles Manson, and steaming piles of=20
offal.<BR><BR>I assume Wolfram gets more respect than I do because he's=20
a<BR>polymath genius whereas my only other theory is, "You are<BR>what =
you eat,=20
so don't eat a falafel because then you'll<BR>feel-awful." That's the =
sort of=20
theory that can come back<BR>and haunt you.<BR><BR>Signs of=20
Induhviduality<BR>-----------------------<BR>When Dogbert takes over the =
world,=20
the first thing he'll do<BR>is make it illegal for Induhviduals to make =
signs.=20
Until<BR>then, enjoy these sightings.<BR><BR>--<BR>Seen on a Taco Bell =
sign in=20
Coralville,=20
Iowa:<BR><BR> =
=20
"Everyday low value"<BR><BR>--<BR>There's a dry cleaner here in Albany, =
NY, that=20
offers "Swede<BR>Cleaning."<BR><BR>--<BR>There is a sign on a church in=20
Greenfield, MA, that=20
says:<BR><BR> =
=20
"HOW DO YOU FIND JESUS?"<BR><BR>The next line down=20
says:<BR><BR> =
=20
"RUMMAGE SALE Saturday 8-2."<BR><BR>--<BR>A sign on a gun shop in =
downtown=20
Chandler, AZ,=20
reads:<BR><BR>  =
; =20
"Guns, Ammo, Picnic Supplies"<BR><BR>[editor's note: That's a bad place =
to start=20
a food fight.]<BR><BR>--<BR>In Vancouver, British Columbia, on a folding =
sign in=20
front<BR>of a small language=20
school:<BR><BR> &nbs=
p; =20
"English Tootering"<BR><BR>--<BR>A workman on a construction project at =
our=20
facility left<BR>this neatly-lettered warning=20
sign:<BR><BR> "WARNING - HOLE IN FLOOR =
ABOVE=20
DOORWAY BELOW."<BR><BR>I didn't look under the sign, however, for fear =
of=20
being<BR>sucked into another dimension.<BR><BR>--<BR>An ad running here =
in=20
Charlotte, NC:<BR><BR> "Local talent =
agency=20
seeks expiring models..."<BR><BR><BR>Benefits of Being a=20
Weirdo<BR>--------------------------<BR>One of the many benefits of =
being a=20
weirdo is that<BR>sometimes, entirely by accident, you can end up =
looking=20
like<BR>a visionary. I became a vegetarian years ago when =
I<BR>discovered that I=20
don't digest meat very well. So when I<BR>started my food company, Scott =
Adams=20
Foods, Inc., I made our<BR>products vegetarian (now also vegan) so that=20
everyone,<BR>including weirdos like me, could eat it. The goal was =
to<BR>provide=20
a nutritious (engineered) meal for people who cared<BR>about that sort =
of thing.=20
It's important because most food,<BR>including vegetarian food, is =
either=20
vitamin-free or<BR>fattening or low on protein or inconvenient.=20
Everything<BR>seemed to have a trade-off. We tried to fix =
that.<BR><BR>Suddenly,=20
I don't seem like such a weirdo. All the major<BR>news outlets are =
featuring=20
stories about the importance of<BR>diet. And the timing is good, because =
I'm=20
moving my food<BR>products - The Dilberito (handheld nutritious burrito) =
and<BR>Protein Chef (meat substitute made from wheat protein)=20
into<BR>foodservice channels. So if your college or =
business<BR>cafeteria=20
doesn't have the variety that you want, you might<BR>want to encourage =
them to=20
look at <A =
href=3D"http://www.dilberito.com">http://www.dilberito.com</A><BR>for=20
some options.<BR><BR>It's too late for you to be a weirdo, but you can =
still=20
get<BR>in on the ground floor of being a visionary.<BR><BR>True Quotes =
From=20
Induhviduals<BR>-----------------------------<BR>Here are more true =
quotes=20
submitted by DNRC members. Most of<BR>these were spoken by managers. As =
always,=20
Induhviduals<BR>continue to be confused by critters, food items, nature, =
and<BR>body parts.<BR><BR>--<BR>"We need to iron out our bread and=20
butter."<BR><BR>--<BR>"I don't need a compass to tell me which way the=20
wind<BR>shines!"<BR><BR>--<BR>"You don't want me down here breathing =
down your=20
throats."<BR><BR>--<BR>"That floor is so clean you could comb your hair =
off of=20
it."<BR><BR>--<BR>"I think we should go for the whole ball of=20
wood."<BR><BR>--<BR>"We're going to clean the competition's=20
lunch."<BR><BR>--<BR>"It's like the blind talking to the=20
blind!"<BR><BR>--<BR>"We've baked our cake, now we have to eat=20
it."<BR><BR>--<BR>"She's totally green under the =
collar."<BR><BR>--<BR>My boss=20
told me I was a "sword in his thigh."<BR><BR>--<BR>At the completion of =
my=20
on-campus job interview, which I<BR>thought went well, I was told by the =
interviewer, "You'll<BR>hear from us one way or the other or not at=20
all."<BR><BR>Dogbert Answers My Mail<BR>-----------------------<BR>In =
this=20
section Dogbert answer the e-mail that I am too<BR>polite to answer =
myself.=20
These are all based on real e-mail<BR>messages but the names have been =
changed=20
to make them<BR>funnier.<BR><BR>--<BR>Dear Mr. Adams,<BR>This is my =
fifth letter=20
to you. You never respond! What do<BR>you think about the first letter =
that I=20
sent? Are my ideas<BR>good? Tell me if you use =
them.<BR> =20
Brad<BR><BR>Dear Brat,<BR>Mr. Adams doesn't remember your first letter, =
but=20
judging<BR>from the quality of your most recent letter, he's sure =
your<BR>ideas=20
are brilliant. When Mr. Adams uses your ideas - and<BR>I'm sure he will =
- I will=20
send you a secret coded message<BR>via your bed =
sheets.<BR> =20
Sincerely,<BR> Dogbert<BR><BR>---<BR>Dear Mr. =
Adams,<BR>Your=20
recent comic suggested that there was something wrong<BR>with banjo=20
manufacturers and banjos. Banjo makers deserve<BR>more than a backhanded =
dismissal in your comic strip. In<BR>fact, banjos are exciting and =
unique=20
handcrafted<BR>instruments. Perhaps those who know absolutely nothing=20
about<BR>banjos should refrain from making thoughtless=20
judgments.<BR> Jeremy<BR><BR>Dear Germy,<BR>Mr. Adams =
offers=20
his sincere apology for offending banjo<BR>makers and users. The last =
thing he=20
wants to do is irritate<BR>hillbillies, Republican senators who perform =
in=20
barbershop<BR>quartets, and the guy who wrote the letter above yours.=20
From<BR>now on, Mr. Adams will only mock musical instruments =
that<BR>have less=20
passionate supporters. I plan to do some research<BR>on nose-whistling =
to see if=20
it has an organized lobbying<BR>group.<BR> =20
Sincerely,<BR> Dogbert<BR><BR> --Scott=20
Adams<BR><BR>--<BR></DIV></BODY></HTML>
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