[Rhodes22-list] jokes

Michael Meltzer rhodes22-list@rhodes22.org
Tue, 23 Jul 2002 10:01:36 -0400


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If you bought $1000 worth of Enron stock one year ago, it
would now be worth $8.00.
If you bought $1000 worth of Budweiser (the beer, not the
stock,) one year ago, drank all the beer, and traded in the
cans for their recycle value, you would have $79.00.

Advice... drink beer. (Mumf note: it's nice to be redeemed
after all of these years!)

++
You know you're WHITE TRASH when...

 1. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down
depending on how much gas is in it.
 2. You let your 12-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner
table in front of her kids.
 3. You've been married three times and still have the same
in-laws.
 4. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a
different night.
 5. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so
clean.
 6. Anyone in your family ever died right after saying,
"Hey, guys watch this."
 7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
 8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
(Mumf query: can you say "Marge"?)
 9. Your junior prom offered day care.
10. You think the last words of the "Star-spangled Banner"
are "Gentlemen, start your engines."
11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded
right off its wheels.
12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than
your spouse.
13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.
15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a
freebie at the House of Tattoos.
16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's
a law against it.
17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife
drunk.

- submitted by Sue Greene

--
The LAPD, the FBI, & the CIA are all trying to prove that
they are the best at apprehending criminals.

The President decides to give them a test. He releases a
rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the
forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses.

After three months of extensive investigations they conclude
that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the
forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit and
they make no apologies.

The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly
beaten bear.

The bear is yelling, "Okay, okay, I'm a rabbit, I'm a
rabbit!"

--
Paddy and Murphy are knocking back a few pints of Guinness
at the local pub and in walks O'Rourke.

O'Rourke says, "did ye hear about O'Hara dyin last night?"

Paddy and Murphy, in shock, exclaim, "No! Poor O'Hara. Has
anyone told his wife?" O'Rourke says, "No she hasn't been
told yet, but I'll get sweet talking Patrick to tell her. He
is such a sweet talker and so good with words that he can
talk the fish out of the brook and the birds out of the
trees."

They leave to find Patrick and as they are leaving in he
walks in and says, "Good Mornin to ye all lads, a pint on me
for everyone." O'Rourke tells Patrick the sad news about
O'Hara dyin and asks him to break the news very gently to
his wife, as she doesn't yet know.

Patrick, the sweet talker says, "I will be glad to have a
chat with O'Hara's wife and I'll break it so gently to her
that a whimper is all she'll utter. I'm a man of words and I
can charm the fish from the brook and the birds from the
trees. Don't worry lads, I'll take care of this. They don't
call me sweet talker for nuttin."

Well, off they all go to O'Hara's house. Patrick knocks on
the door and O'Hara's wife answers and says, "Yes may I help
you?" Sweet talking Patrick steps forward and at attention
says, "Are you the widow O'Hara?" To which the woman
responds, "My name is O'Hara but I'm not a widow."

Sweet talking Patrick braces himself and exclaims, "Shit you
ain't, woman!"

--
Sister Mary Margaret enters O'Flynn's liquor shop. "I'd like
to buy a bottle of Irish whiskey", she tells O'Flynn.

The owner of the store shakes his head and frowns. "A bottle
of Irish whiskey? And you being a nun too."

"Oh no, no," Sister Mary Margaret exclaims. "It's for Father
Reilly. His constipation, you know."

O'Flynn smiles, nods, and puts a bottle into a bag. Sister
Mary Margaret pays, takes the bag and goes on her way.

Later that day, O'Flynn closes shop for the day. On his way
home he passes an alley. There in the alley is Sister Mary
Margaret. She's rip roaring drunk, the empty bottle at her
side.

"Sister!" O'Flynn scolds. "And you said it was for Father
Reilly's constipation."

"It is," answers Sister Mary Margaret. "When he sees me,
he's gonna shit!"



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<DIV><FONT face=3DArial size=3D2><FONT face=3D"Times New Roman" =
size=3D3>If you bought=20
$1000 worth of Enron stock one year ago, it<BR>would now be worth =
$8.00.<BR>If=20
you bought $1000 worth of Budweiser (the beer, not the<BR>stock,) one =
year ago,=20
drank all the beer, and traded in the<BR>cans for their recycle value, =
you would=20
have $79.00.<BR><BR>Advice... drink beer. (Mumf note: it's nice to be=20
redeemed<BR>after all of these years!)<BR><BR>++<BR>You know you're =
WHITE TRASH=20
when...<BR><BR>&nbsp;1. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and=20
down<BR>depending on how much gas is in it.<BR>&nbsp;2. You let your =
12-year-old=20
daughter smoke at the dinner<BR>table in front of her kids.<BR>&nbsp;3. =
You've=20
been married three times and still have the same<BR>in-laws.<BR>&nbsp;4. =
You=20
think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a<BR>different=20
night.<BR>&nbsp;5. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms=20
so<BR>clean.<BR>&nbsp;6. Anyone in your family ever died right after=20
saying,<BR>"Hey, guys watch this."<BR>&nbsp;7. You think Dom Perignon is =
a Mafia=20
leader.<BR>&nbsp;8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling=20
fan.<BR>(Mumf query: can you say "Marge"?)<BR>&nbsp;9. Your junior prom =
offered=20
day care.<BR>10. You think the last words of the "Star-spangled =
Banner"<BR>are=20
"Gentlemen, start your engines."<BR>11. You lit a match in the bathroom =
and your=20
house exploded<BR>right off its wheels.<BR>12. The Halloween pumpkin on =
your=20
porch has more teeth than<BR>your spouse.<BR>13. You have to go outside =
to get=20
something from the fridge.<BR>14. One of your kids was born on a pool=20
table.<BR>15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get =
a<BR>freebie at=20
the House of Tattoos.<BR>16. You can't get married to your sweetheart =
because=20
there's<BR>a law against it.<BR>17. You think loading the dishwasher =
means=20
getting your wife<BR>drunk.<BR><BR>- submitted by Sue =
Greene<BR><BR>--<BR>The=20
LAPD, the FBI, &amp; the CIA are all trying to prove that<BR>they are =
the best=20
at apprehending criminals.<BR><BR>The President decides to give them a =
test. He=20
releases a<BR>rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch =
it.<BR><BR>The=20
CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the<BR>forest. They =

question all plant and mineral witnesses.<BR><BR>After three months of =
extensive=20
investigations they conclude<BR>that rabbits do not exist.<BR><BR>The =
FBI goes=20
in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the<BR>forest, killing =
everything in=20
it, including the rabbit and<BR>they make no apologies.<BR><BR>The =
rabbit had it=20
coming.<BR><BR>The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a=20
badly<BR>beaten bear.<BR><BR>The bear is yelling, "Okay, okay, I'm a =
rabbit, I'm=20
a<BR>rabbit!"<BR><BR>--<BR>Paddy and Murphy are knocking back a few =
pints of=20
Guinness<BR>at the local pub and in walks O'Rourke.<BR><BR>O'Rourke =
says, "did=20
ye hear about O'Hara dyin last night?"<BR><BR>Paddy and Murphy, in =
shock,=20
exclaim, "No! Poor O'Hara. Has<BR>anyone told his wife?" O'Rourke says, =
"No she=20
hasn't been<BR>told yet, but I'll get sweet talking Patrick to tell her. =

He<BR>is such a sweet talker and so good with words that he can<BR>talk =
the fish=20
out of the brook and the birds out of the<BR>trees."<BR><BR>They leave =
to find=20
Patrick and as they are leaving in he<BR>walks in and says, "Good Mornin =
to ye=20
all lads, a pint on me<BR>for everyone." O'Rourke tells Patrick the sad =
news=20
about<BR>O'Hara dyin and asks him to break the news very gently =
to<BR>his wife,=20
as she doesn't yet know.<BR><BR>Patrick, the sweet talker says, "I will =
be glad=20
to have a<BR>chat with O'Hara's wife and I'll break it so gently to =
her<BR>that=20
a whimper is all she'll utter. I'm a man of words and I<BR>can charm the =
fish=20
from the brook and the birds from the<BR>trees. Don't worry lads, I'll =
take care=20
of this. They don't<BR>call me sweet talker for nuttin."<BR><BR>Well, =
off they=20
all go to O'Hara's house. Patrick knocks on<BR>the door and O'Hara's =
wife=20
answers and says, "Yes may I help<BR>you?" Sweet talking Patrick steps =
forward=20
and at attention<BR>says, "Are you the widow O'Hara?" To which the=20
woman<BR>responds, "My name is O'Hara but I'm not a widow."<BR><BR>Sweet =
talking=20
Patrick braces himself and exclaims, "Shit you<BR>ain't,=20
woman!"<BR><BR>--<BR>Sister Mary Margaret enters O'Flynn's liquor shop. =
"I'd=20
like<BR>to buy a bottle of Irish whiskey", she tells O'Flynn.<BR><BR>The =
owner=20
of the store shakes his head and frowns. "A bottle<BR>of Irish whiskey? =
And you=20
being a nun too."<BR><BR>"Oh no, no," Sister Mary Margaret exclaims. =
"It's for=20
Father<BR>Reilly. His constipation, you know."<BR><BR>O'Flynn smiles, =
nods, and=20
puts a bottle into a bag. Sister<BR>Mary Margaret pays, takes the bag =
and goes=20
on her way.<BR><BR>Later that day, O'Flynn closes shop for the day. On =
his=20
way<BR>home he passes an alley. There in the alley is Sister =
Mary<BR>Margaret.=20
She's rip roaring drunk, the empty bottle at =
her<BR>side.<BR><BR>"Sister!"=20
O'Flynn scolds. "And you said it was for Father<BR>Reilly's=20
constipation."<BR><BR>"It is," answers Sister Mary Margaret. "When he =
sees=20
me,<BR>he's gonna shit!"</FONT><BR><BR></FONT></DIV></BODY></HTML>

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