[Rhodes22-list] jokes

[Michael Meltzer]

Bushlet," Act 1

 SCENE 1: CRAWFORD - A platform before the castle.

 [FRANCISCO at his post. Enter to him BERNARDO.]

 BER.: Who's there?
 FRA..: Nay, answer me: stand, and unfold yourself.
 BER.: Long live the Chief!
 FRA..: Bernardo?
 BER.: He.
 FRA..: You come most carefully upon your hour.
 BER.: Wracked with dreams was I, dreams of war.
 FRA..: Marry, to be wracked with Iraq's attack at that!
 BER.: Funny. What hear you of our attack? 'tis time?
 FRA.: Nay, only this: that our sweet young prince
       Doth stalk here nightly, his brow furrowed, as if
       In semblance of thought. Far does he roam.
 BER.: Aye, for he is in remarkable shape
       For a man his age.
 FRA.: So they say - Hssst! He comes!
 BER.: We'll listen, and mayhap learn more of the coming
storm.

 [Enter BUSHLET, clad in doublet, hose, and a ten gallonne
hat.]

 BUSHLET:Oh, what a brogue and pissant shave am I!
 BER. (whispered): 'tis inpenetrable! His words lack all
sense!
 FRA.: And yet in that nonsense, his sense does emerge.
 BER.: 'Tis why we love him.

 [Unseen, a GHOST appears behind Bushlet]

 BUSHLET: To attack or not to attack, that is the question -
 GHOST.: -Nay, 'tis not. Not the question. Not.
 FRA. (whispered): 'Pon my life - 'tis his father, once
King.
 BUSHLET: Lo! What's this? Tis the ghost of my Father,
       Cruelly slain, and now here reanimerated.
 GHOST: Slain? Nay, son, I live. Feelin' good...
 BUSHLET: Oh dear father - thine death shall be avenged!
 GHOST: Nay, son, I am not dead I tell thee...
 BUSHLET: Long shall be the struggle, but this evil-doer
       Shall be brought low. Much avengeration
       Shall I have 'pon the head of Saddam.
 GHOST: Saddam. Tis he who I come to speak of with thee.
 BUSHLET: Speak, dear shade! What has roused thee from thy
grave?
 GHOST: Whatever. Listen, son. Time to listen. Now.
       Thou dost fritter away thy days in indecision.
       Now waiting, now preparing thine attacks.
       Thy sabre rattles, and yet stays sheathed withal.
 BUSHLET:  ' Tis a defective sabre. I can't find the
trigger.
 GHOST: Listen! I come here to beseech thee -
       Thou must not yet make war upon Saddam.
 BUSHLET: What? But you did, oh saucy hippocrat.
 GHOST: Yes, but you have not yet prepared.
       Haven't built thine international coalition.
       Shouldn't attack, then. Wouldn't be prudent.
 BUSHLET: Fie upon coalitions! Those fancy-pantses
       With their extra languages and their "hot
cuisinarts."
       They listen to me not. Fuck 'em. Fie!
 GHOST: 'Tis my very point. Thou must make
       Them attend. Persuasion. Ne-go-tiation.
BUSHLET: Nay, I will heed you not, old ghost!
       For thine words do confuse me. But I am clear
       In my purpose - to do what thou couldst not
       And bring down the evil-doer in thine name.
 GHOST: Not a great plan. Got to think. Prudence-
 BUSHLET: Nay, begone, ghost, and to thy rest!
 GHOST: Really, I am far from dead, my boy.
 BUSHLET: To thy rest!

 [the GHOST exits, grumbling]

 BUSHLET: Would that he had lived.
       Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow,
       The sun wilt come out tomorrow, come what may.
       And then shall I give the signal, and let loose
       The dogs of war! Probably. Pretty sure now...
       Hey! What ho! A firefly! C'mere, thou rogue!

 [BUSHLET wanders off, chasing the firefly.]

 BER.: And so we learn that nothing is to be learned.
 FRA.: Aye, 'tis a walking riddle that prances yonder
       Fixed on that fly, heedless of the pond he
approacheth.

  [Pause. A loud SPLASH is heard anon.]

 BER.: Come, sweet Francisco, a beer will I buy thee.
 FRA.: Aye, thou hast it! Or perchance a hard lemonade.
       Lead on, Bernardo! Let kings to their businesses,
       And us to ours.

++
This was posted very briefly on the McDonnell Douglas
website by an employee who obviously has a keen sense of
humor. The company, of course, does not have a sense of
humor, and made the web department take it down immediately
(for once, the "IMPORTANT" note at the end is worth a read
too...).
_______


Thank you for purchasing a McDonnell Douglas military
aircraft. In order to protect your new investment, please
take a few moments to fill out the warranty registration
card below. Answering the survey questions is not required,
but the information will help us to develop new products
best meet your needs and desires.

1. Name and title
(_) Mr.
[_] Mrs.
[_] Ms.
[_] Miss
[_] Lt.
[_] Gen.
[_] Comrade
[_] Classified
[_] Other

First Name:
...................................................
Initial:    ........
Last Name:
...................................................
Password:   .............................. (max. 8 char)
Code Name:
...................................................
Latitude-Longitude-Altitude: ........... ...........

2. Which model of aircraft did you purchase?
[_] F-14 Tomcat
[_] F-15 Eagle
[_] F-16 Falcon
[_] F-117A Stealth
[_] Classified

3. Date of purchase (Year/Month/Day): 20......./.......
/......

4. Serial Number:
...............................................

5. Please indicate where this product was purchased:

[_] Received as gift / aid package
[_] Catalogue / showroom
[_] Independent arms broker
[_] Mail order
[_] Discount store
[_] Government surplus
[_] Classified

6. Please indicate how you became aware of the McDonnell
Douglas product you have just purchased:

[_] Heard loud noise, looked up
[_] Store display
[_] Espionage
[_] Recommended by friend / relative / ally
[_] Political lobbying by manufacturer
[_] Was attacked by one

7. Please indicate the three (3) factors that most
influenced your decision to purchase this McDonnell Douglas
product:

[_] Style / appearance
[_] Speed / maneuverability
[_] Price / value
[_] Comfort / convenience
[_] Kickback / bribe
[_] Recommended by salesperson
[_] McDonnell Douglas reputation
[_] Advanced Weapons Systems
[_] Backroom politics
[_] Negative experience opposing one in combat

8. Please indicate the location(s) where this product will
be used:

[_] North America
[_] Iraq
[_] South America
[_] Iraq
[_] Aircraft carrier
[_] Iraq
[_] Europe
[_] Iraq
[_] Middle East (not Iraq)
[_] Iraq
[_] Africa
[_] Iraq
[_] Asia / Far East
[_] Iraq
[_] Misc. Third World countries
[_] Iraq
[_] Classified
[_] Iraq

9. Please indicate the products that you currently own or
intend to purchase in the near future:

[_] Color TV
[_] VCR
[_] ICBM
[_] Killer Satellite
[_] CD Player
[_] Air-to-Air Missiles
[_] Space Shuttle
[_] Home Computer
[_] Nuclear Weapon

10. How would you describe yourself or your organization?

[_] Communist / Socialist
[_] Terrorist
[_] Crazed
[_] Neutral
[_] Democratic
[_] Dictatorship
[_] Corrupt
[_] Primitive / Tribal

11. How did you pay for your McDonnell Douglas product?

[_] Deficit spending
[_] Cash
[_] Suitcases of cocaine
[_] Oil revenues
[_] Personal check
[_] Credit card
[_] Ransom money
[_] Traveler's check

12. Your occupation:

[_] Homemaker
[_] Sales / marketing
[_] Revolutionary
[_] Clerical
[_] Mercenary
[_] Tyrant
[_] Middle management
[_] Eccentric billionaire
[_] Defense Minister / General
[_] Retired
[_] Student

13. To help us better understand our customers, please
indicate the interests and activities in which you and your
spouse enjoy participating on a regular basis:

[_] Golf
[_] Boating / sailing
[_] Sabotage
[_] Running / jogging
[_] Propaganda / misinformation
[_] Destabilization / overthrow
[_] Default on loans
[_] Gardening
[_] Crafts
[_] Black market / smuggling
[_] Collectibles / collections
[_] Watching sports on TV
[_] Wines
[_] Interrogation / torture
[_] Household pets
[_] Crushing rebellions
[_] Espionage / reconnaissance
[_] Fashion clothing
[_] Border disputes
[_] Mutually Assured Destruction

Thank you for taking the time to fill out this
questionnaire. Your answers will be used in market studies
that will help McDonnell Douglas serve you better in the
future - as well as allowing you to receive mailings and
special offers from other companies, governments, extremist
groups, and mysterious consortia. As a bonus for responding
to this survey, you will be registered to win a brand new
F-117A in our Desert Thunder Sweepstakes!

Comments or suggestions about our fighter planes? Please
write to:

McDONNELL DOUGLAS CORPORATION
Marketing Department
Military Aerospace Division

IMPORTANT: This email is intended for the use of the
individual addressee(s)named above and may contain
information that is  confidential, privileged or unsuitable
for overly sensitive persons with low self-esteem, no sense
of humor or irrational religious beliefs. If you are not the
intended recipient, any dissemination, distribution or
copying of this email is not authorized (either explicitly
or implicitly) and constitutes an irritating social faux
pas. Unless the word absquatulation has been used in its
correct context somewhere other than in this warning, it
does not have any legal or grammatical use and may be
ignored. No animals were harmed in the transmission of this
email, although the kelpie next door is living on borrowed
time, let me tell you. Those of you with an overwhelming
fear of the unknown will be gratified to learn that there is
no hidden message revealed by reading this warning
backwards, so just ignore that alert Notice from Microsoft.
However, by pouring a complete circle of salt around
yourself and your computer you can ensure that no harm
befalls you and your pets. If you have received this email
in error, please add some nutmeg and egg whites, whisk and
place in a warm oven for 40 minutes.

++
A farm hand is driving 'round the farm, checking the fences.

After a few minutes he radios his boss and says, "Boss, I've
got a problem. I hit a pig on the road and he's stuck in the
bull-bars of my truck. He's still wriggling - what should I
do?''

"In the back of your truck there's a shotgun.  Shoot the pig
in the head and when it stops wriggling you can pull it out
and throw it in a bush."

The farm worker says okay and signs off. About 10 minutes
later he radios back.  "Boss I did what you said, I shot the
pig and dragged it out and threw it in a bush."

"So what's the problem now?" his Boss snapped.

"The blue light on his motorcycle is still flashing."

++
"If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and
gave all my money to the church, would that get me into
Heaven?" I asked the children in my Sunday School class.

"NO!" the children all answered.

"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept
everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?"

Again, the answer was, "NO!"

"Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all
the children, and loved my wife, would that get me into
Heaven?" I asked them again.

Again, they all answered, "NO!"

"Well, I continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"

A five-year-old boy shouted out, "YOU GOTTA BE DEAD!"

- from Sandy Fraser

--
Men are like.....Laxatives. They irritate the shit out of
you.
Men are like.....Bananas. The older they get, the less firm
they are.
Men are like.....Vacations. They never seem to be long
enough.
Men are like.....Bank Machines. Once they withdraw they lose
interest.
Men are like.....Weather. Nothing can be done to change
them.
Men are like.....Blenders. You need one, but you're not sure
why.
Men are like.....Chocolate Bars. Sweet, smooth, and they
usually head right for your hips.
Men are like.....Coffee. The best ones are rich, warm, and
can keep you up all night long.
Men are like.....Commercials. You can't believe a word they
say.
Men are like.....Department Stores. Their clothes are always
half off.
Men are like.....Government bonds. They take so long to
mature.
Men are like.....Horoscopes. They always tell you what to do
and are usually wrong.
Men are like.....Mascara. They usually run at the first sign
 of emotion.
Men are like.....Popcorn. They satisfy you, but only for a
little while.
Men are like.....Snowstorms. You never know when they're
coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
Men are like.....Lava Lamps. Fun to look at, but not very
bright.
Men are like.....Parking Spots. All the good ones are taken
and the rest are handicapped.

- from "Wintery Cool" Sara Fleming

--
A 90-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual
check-up. The doctor asked him how he's feeling. The
90-year-old says, "I've never felt better. I have an
18-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you
think about that?"

The doctor considers his question for a minute and then
begins, "I have a friend who is an avid hunter and never
misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a
hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his
gun. When he got to the creek, he saw a prime beaver sitting
beside the stream of water. He raised his umbrella and went,
'Bang bang' and the beaver fell over dead. What do you think
of that?"

The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else shot that
beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly".

- from Rob Brucato