[Rhodes22-list] jokes

[Michael Meltzer]

(Mumf note: the first 'Humor today is from an expert on the
topic of "How to Dump a Man"!)

Dear ________,
     I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated
from further contention as Mr. Right. As you are probably
aware, the competition was exceedingly tough and dozens of
well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to
make the final cut. I will, however, keep your name on file
should an opening become available.
    So that you may find better success in your future
romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following
reason(s) you were disqualified from the competition.

Check those that apply...

___Your last name is objectionable. I can't imagine taking
it, hyphenating it, or subjecting my children to it.

___Your first name is objectionable. It's just not something
I can picture myself yelling out in a fit of passion.

___The fact that our dining experiences to date has left MY
wallet a little lighter, and YOUR pants a little tighter!

___Your inadvertent admission that you "buy condoms by the
truckload" indicates that you may be interested in me for
something other than my personality.

___You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20
questions about yourself before you asked me more than one
about myself.

___Your constant e-mailing shows me you have TOO much time
on your hands!

___Your legs are skinnier than mine.

___You're too short. Any son that we produced would
inevitably be beaten up repeatedly at recess.

___You're too tall. I'm developing a chronic neck condition
from trying to kiss you.

___I find your inability to fix my car extraordinarily
unappealing.

___The fact that your apartment has been condemned reveals
an inherent slovenliness that I fear is unbreakable.

___The phrase "My Mother" has popped up far too often in
conversation.

___Although I do enjoy the X-Files, I find your wardrobe of
Star Trek uniforms a little disconcerting.

___Your frequent references to your ex-girlfriend lead me to
suspect that you are some sort of psychotic stalker.

___Your ability to belch the alphabet is not a trait that I
am seeking in a long-term partner.

___Your height is out of proportion to your weight. If you
should however, happen to gain the necessary 17 vertical
inches, please resubmit your application.

___Somehow I doubt those condoms I found in your overnight
bag were really necessary for a successful business trip.

___I am out of your league, set your sights lower next time.

Sincerely,______________________

- from Corrine Garneau

--
Oddly Enough - Reuters

The World's Funniest Joke -- Official
Thu Oct 3,10:34 AM ET
By Corey Ullman

LONDON (Reuters) - After a year of painstaking scientific
research, the world's funniest joke was revealed on
Thursday.

In a project described as the largest-ever scientific study
into humor, the British Association for the Advancement of
Science ( news - web sites) asked Internet users around the
world to submit their favorite jokes and rate the funniness
of other people's offerings.

More than 40,000 jokes from 70 countries and two million
critiques later, this is it:

"Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them
collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are
glazed. The other man pulls out his phone and calls
emergency services.

He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I
do?" The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies: "Take
it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

Back on the phone, the hunter says, "Ok, now what?"

Researchers found significant differences between nations in
the types of jokes they found funny.

People from the UK, the Republic of Ireland, Australia and
New Zealand preferred gags involving word play, such as:

PATIENT: "Doctor, I've got a strawberry stuck up my bum."
DOCTOR: "I've got some cream for that."

Americans and Canadians favored jokes where people were made
to look stupid.

TEXAN: "Where are you from?"
HARVARD GRAD: "I come from a place where we do not end our
sentences with prepositions."
TEXAN: "OK -- where are you from, jackass?"

Meanwhile, many Europeans liked gags that were surreal or
made light of serious subjects such as illness, death and
marriage:

A patient says, "Doctor, last night I made a Freudian slip,
I was having dinner with my mother-in-law and wanted to say:
'Could you please pass the butter?' But instead I said: 'You
silly cow, you have completely ruined my life.'"

Marriage-mocking also featured in the top American joke:

"A man and a friend are playing golf one day. One of the
guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long
funeral procession on the road next to the course.

"He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his
eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: 'Wow that is
the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You
are truly a kind man.'

"The man then replies: 'Yeah, well, we were married 35
years.'"

Death earned big laughs in Scotland:

"I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather.
Not screaming in terror like his passengers."

And animals figured prominently. Take the number one joke in
England:

"Two weasels are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to
insult the other one. He screams, 'I slept with your
mother!'

"The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the
other weasel will do. The first again yells, 'I SLEPT WITH
YOUR MOTHER!'

"The other says: 'Go home dad, you're drunk.'"

The survey revealed other fun facts:

- Of the countries rating the highest number of jokes,
Germans, perhaps surprisingly, laughed the most. Canadians
laughed least.

- If you want to tell a funny animal joke, make it a duck.

- The most frequently submitted joke, at 300 times, was:
"What's brown and sticky? A stick."

Researchers said no one ever found it funny.

The findings can be read at www.laughlab.co.uk

- from Ron Nichols

--
Microsoft's wireless phone software will debut later this
year ...

http://news.com.com/2100-1033-960796.html?tag=lh

http://www.microsoft.com/mobile/smartphone/default.asp

Top 3 phrases you'll hear people say on their new MS cell
phones

1. Um. Excuse me while I dial you back, I need to reboot my
cell phone to get better reception

2. Um. Sorry I couldn't call you , my cell phone is not
compatible with your cell phone

3. Please wait while I download the security related hot fix
of the hour.

- from Sandy Fraser

--
A crowded United Airlines flight was canceled. A single
agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers.
Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He
slapped his ticket on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on
this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."

The agent replied, "I am sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to
help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm
sure we'll be able to work something out."

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the
passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO
I AM?"

Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public
address microphone, "May I have your attention please," she
began, her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We
have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE
IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to
Gate 14."

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the
man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore
"Fuck You!".

Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but
you'll have to get in line for that too."

- from Lucy Nicoll

--
Now dated, but still pretty funny. I love the part about
disk "partitioning."

http://members.aol.com/spoons1000/break/index.html

This is an incredibly silly web page about torture and
mayhem of computer equipment. Strangely satisfying. Check it
out.

- from Sandy Fraser, who remembers when this was all
"bleeding edge"

--