[Rhodes22-list] jokes
Michael Meltzer
mjm@michaelmeltzer.com
Wed, 23 Oct 2002 12:52:18 -0400
Dilbert Newsletter 43.0
-----------------------
To: Dogbert's New Ruling Class (DNRC)
From: Scott Adams (scottadams@aol.com)
Date: October 2002
Mister Fixit
-------------
I live in an old house. "Old" is a shorthand way of saying,
"leaking, stained, rotting, and maybe there's something dead
inside a wall." I employ a continuous stream of skilled
craftsmen to repair my house because it's not safe for me to
do any manual labor that involves sharp edges, splinters, or
heavy things. I feel that I'm in mortal danger when removing
lint from my dryer. So, obviously, using circular saws or
climbing on the roof is pretty much out of the question. I
won't even fluff a pillow if I suspect it's filled with
pointy feathers.
Yesterday I noticed I had a leaky garden hose that needed to
be replaced. As far as I could tell, this household task was
uniquely danger-free. I decided, unwisely, to go it alone.
The total complexity of this task involved unscrewing the
old hose from the faucet and screwing on the new one.
I will leave out some details, but let's just say that the
water show was impressive, not unlike the dancing fountains
at the Bellagio Hotel in Las Vegas, except much closer to my
face. I think I power-washed a zit off my forehead. My
clothes were soaked too, so from now on I plan to use my
hose only while naked. (Supply your own hose-related joke
here.)
Despite the problems of home ownership, I'm glad I live in
modern times. If I'd been born into an early Native American
tribe, for example, I'd be in trouble. All of my homespun
arrowheads would be round because I would be afraid to make
sharp ones. I'd have to hope I hit a bison in a pre-existing
wound, making him so depressed he committed suicide,
preferably somewhere near a roaring fire that someone else
had lit. It would take me forever to cut up a bison with my
homemade knife - also a smooth round rock. And there's the
problem of my being a vegetarian. And don't get me started
about the Native American washroom facilities. I'm
reasonably sure my Native American nickname would be Man Who
Used Poison Ivy Leaves In a Hilarious Way.
New Motto for Newsletter
------------------------
A reader, W. Wyman, referred to the Dilbert Newsletter as "a
little ray of bitter sunshine." I have decided to adopt that
phrase as the newsletter's motto, unless someone else is
using it.
Weasel Poll Results
-------------------
Here are the results of the Weasel Poll on Dilbert.com.
Don't blame me for any of it. I was only one of the 19,000
voters.
I'm not entirely sure why France beat out Iran, North Korea,
Iraq, Pakistan and Saudi Arabia as the weaseliest country. I
suspect we got a lot of votes from England.
Weaseliest Organization
-----------------------
Democratic Party 5,727
Major League Baseball 4,118
White House 3,700
Congress 2,702
Republican Party 2,333
FBI 872
Weaseliest Country
------------------
France 6,684
Saudi Arabia 4,488
Pakistan 3,601
Iraq 3,453
North Korea 669
Iran 285
Weaseliest Company
------------------
Microsoft 7,661
Arthur Andersen 3,908
Enron 3,621
WorldCom 1,381
Rite Aid 1,255
Merrill Lynch 576
Tyco 535
Qwest 486
Weaseliest Profession
---------------------
News reporters 4,875
Lawyers 4,447
Politicians 3,539
Tobacco executives 3,484
Oil executives 1,159
Accountants 1,098
Advertising executives 926
Weaseliest Individual
---------------------
Martha Stewart 4,734
Gary Condit 3,810
Marie Reine Le Gougne 3,475
(French Ice Skating
Olympic Judge)
Kenneth Lay (Enron) 3,284
Michael Jackson 2,009
Dennis Kozlowski (Tyco) 810
Gary Winnick (Glob. Cross.) 483
"Chainsaw" Al Dunlap 342
Sam Waksal (ImClone) 255
Weaseliest Religion
-------------------
Islam 6,112
Catholicism 5,227
Atheism 4,221
Protestantism 1,710
Judaism 1,147
Buddhism 239
Hinduism 233
True Tales of Induhviduals
--------------------------
Here are some true tales of Induhviduals as reported by DNRC
members.
--
One of my teammates was giving a presentation to our
department about an exciting development. He clicked to
bring up the next slide and announced with great enthusiasm,
"and walla, there it is!!" On the slide in huge letters was
the word "Walla." The audience was stunned at first, not
knowing if it was suppose to be a joke on the spelling of
the word "voila" or not. Then he turned to a member of our
department who was from France and said, "You know, walla!
Walla!!"
Coincidentally, earlier that week he had mentioned to our
team that he wanted to go into management.
--
A conversation I've just had with my Pointy-Headed Boss
(PHB):
Me: "PHB, your phone is ringing."
PHB: "How do you know that?"
Me: "Because I can hear it."
--
I decided to change dentists. I phoned the new office to
make an appointment. As part of the questionnaire, the
office assistant asked, "Do you have any conditions like a
heart rumor?"
I replied, "Is that anything like a heart murmur?" to which
she answered, "I'm not sure."
--
I was recently standing in line for the fully panoramic
theater at the Smithsonian in Washington. A friend told his
14-year-old daughter that the theater was "360 degrees."
There was a pause while she considered this, and then asked,
"Won't it be too hot for us in there?"
--
I saw a beautifully handcrafted cross-stitched pillow in the
rear window of a nearby car. The message on the pillow
read, "I break for hugs." I guess the driver must be very
fragile.
--
I was listening to a coworker's conversation when he uttered
the following, upon learning that hunting wild turkey was
actually a challenging endeavor: "That surprises me because
I always thought turkeys were the stupidest mammal."
He made an unintentional argument for a different animal.
--
Soon after our high-tech company moved into a new building,
we had trouble with the elevators. A manager got stuck
between floors and, after some door banging, finally
attracted attention. His name was taken, and rescue was
promised.
It took two hours before the elevator mechanic arrived and
got the manager out. When he returned to his desk, he found
this note from his efficient secretary: "The elevator people
called and will be here in two hours."
Induhvidual Signs
-----------------
These sightings are from observant DNRC members.
--
Sign above a drinking fountain at Shanghai International
Airport:
"This water has been passed by Health Inspectors"
--
We had a low-cost supermarket in our area named Buy-Lo, as
in low prices. The sign:
Buy-Lo
Quality foods.
--
Posted on a sign at Hooters, Las Vegas NV:
"WE HAVE CRABS!"
--
A church school in Sacramento had a sign that read:
"Every day is a gift from God."
This was followed by:
"Corn dogs, Friday, 11-1"
--
An actual sign in Goleta, CA, reads:
"Judo - Aikido - Ballroom Dancing"
True Quotes
-----------
Here now, more true quotes from Induhviduals as reported by
DNRC operatives. Most of these come from the mouths of
managers.
--
"I'm optimistic but my optimistics is on the other side of
the teeter-totter."
"You have to keep all your marbles in the same duck."
"This thing is about to grow legs and take off...."
"Are you going to call the whole kettle black because of one
bad potato?"
"If we do that we'll open up a whole new wormhole."
"Will everyone stop misundermining me!"
"I am sick and tired of the lack of disrespect towards me!"
"We need to find a solution, even if it isn't the right
one."
"Hey, don't eat the messenger!"
"It's only when this business comes into the foreplay that
we should be concerned."
"We're going to have to watch that with a fine-tooth comb."
"..that's what really separates the wheat from the sheep."
"He's not the brightest brick in the basket."
Dogbert Answers My Mail
-----------------------
Normally in this space Dogbert answers my mail that I'm too
polite to answer myself. Today Dogbert will answer mail that
hasn't been written yet but - based on experience - will be.
--
Dear Mr. Adams,
Your newsletter has turned into a blatant commercial for
your Dilbert book! You talk about weasels - YOU'RE THE
WEASEL! Ha ha! It's ironic, isn't it? Life has no meaning
now that I can no longer trust other people to send me free
things for no reason whatsoever. From now on, Ziggy is the
only comic I will read. You can take your stupid newsletter
and e-mail it where the sun don't shine.
Ron
Dear Mo-Ron,
Thank you for your suggestion, but many people in Seattle
already receive the Dilbert newsletter. I'm sorry you're
offended by the mention of Mr. Adams' new book, "Dilbert and
the Way of the Weasel," that is available in a bookstore
near you.
Sincerely,
Dogbert
--
Dear Mr. Adams,
Your weasel poll left out the biggest weasel country of them
all: The United States. We Elbonians despise the United
States.
Sincerely,
Scott
Dear Squat,
The United States is not a weasel. It's more like an
arrogant bully. That's why I'm so proud to live in it.
Excuse me while I wipe a tear from my eye. Excuse me again
while I wipe my paw on Mr. Adams' sweater. Okay, back to my
point: If we find out that you're hiding so much as one
barrel of oil under that hellhole you live on, you'd better
start shipping it this way, and cheap, because I need to gas
up my maid's SUV. I hope that by having this open dialogue
we can learn to live in harmony. Or failing in that, I'll
live in harmony by myself.
Sincerely,
Dogbert
--Scott Adams
--