[Rhodes22-list] jokes

Ware, Joseph W. joseph_ware@merck.com
Wed, 18 Sep 2002 15:11:22 -0400


You're right Rik, text files, no pictures.  We have Internet Explorer 5.5.
Like I said before, it worked for me when others were having problems.  Now
I lost it.

Joe

-----Original Message-----
From: Rik Sandberg [mailto:racerrik@rea-alp.com]
Sent: Wednesday, September 18, 2002 3:16 PM
To: The Rhodes 22 mail list
Subject: Re: [Rhodes22-list] jokes


Joe,

You mean you can't see this picture??? Suppose we better find out what
software (email, browser) you are using.

Rik
----- Original Message -----
From: "Ware, Joseph W." <joseph_ware@merck.com>
To: "'The Rhodes 22 mail list'" <rhodes22-list@rhodes22.org>
Sent: Wednesday, September 18, 2002 12:48 PM
Subject: RE: [Rhodes22-list] jokes


> Michael,  While others were receiving text instead of jpeg pictures, I
> actually got the pictures as attachments.  Now I get text?  Any ideas?
>
> Joe
> S/V Whisper
>
> -----Original Message-----
> From: Michael Meltzer [mailto:mjm@michaelmeltzer.com]
> Sent: Wednesday, September 18, 2002 12:28 PM
> To: rhodes22-list@rhodes22.org
> Subject: [Rhodes22-list] jokes
>
>
> (Mumf note: I know you don't want to hear it, but I've been
> busy catching up from vacation! Sorry, damn it!!)
>
> A man receives a free ticket to a Georgia game from his
> company. Unfortunately, when he arrives at the stadium he
> realizes the seat is in the last row in the corner of the
> stadium.......he is closer to the Goodyear Blimp than the
> field! About halfway through the first quarter he notices an
> empty seat 10 rows off the field right on the 50 yard line.
> He decides to take a chance and makes his way through the
> stadium around the security guards to the empty seat. As he
> sits down, he asks the gentleman sitting next to him,
> "Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?"
>
> The man replies "No".
>
> Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game,
> he again inquires of the man next to him, "This is
> incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like
> this at a Georgia game and not use it?"
>
> The man replies, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me, I
> was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This
> is the first Georgia game we haven't been to together since
> we got married in 1967."
>
> "Well, that's terribly sad. But still, couldn't you find
> someone to take the seat? A relative or close friend?"
>
> "No," the man replied, "they're all at the funeral."
>
> ++
> Dear Ma and Pa:
>
> Am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer
> the Army beats working for Old Man Minch a mile. Tell them
> to join up quick before maybe all the places are filled.
>
> I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till
> nearly 6 a.m. ( ! ) but am getting so I like to sleep late.
> Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth
> your cot and shine some things -- no hogs to slop, feed to
> pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically
> nothing. You got to shave, but it is not bad in warm water.
>
> Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal,
> eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes,
> beef, ham steak, fried eggplant, pie and regular food. But
> tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit between two city boys
> that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you till
> noon, when you get fed.
>
> It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much. We go on
> "route marches," which, the Sgt. says, are long walks to
> harden us. If he thinks so, it is not my place to tell him
> different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox
> at home. Then the city guys all get sore feet and we ride
> back in trucks. The country is nice, but awful flat.
>
> The Sgt. is like a schoolteacher. He nags some. The Capt. is
> like the school board. Cols. and Gens. just ride around and
> frown. They don't bother you none.
>
> This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep
> getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The
> bull's-eye is near as big as a chipmunk and don't move. And
> it ain't shooting at you, like the Higsett boys at home. All
> you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You
> don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.
>
> Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before
> other fellows get onto this setup and come stampeding in.
>
> Your loving son, Zeb
>
> P.S. Speaking of shooting, enclosed is $200 for the barn
> roof and ma's teeth. The city boys shoot craps, but not very
> good. - Z.
>
> ++
> TOILET WISDOM
> -------------
>
> 1. Friends don't let friends take home ugly men.
> ----Women's restroom, Starboard, Dewey Beach, DE.
>
> 2. Remember, it's not, "How high are you?" it's "Hi, how are
> you?"
> --- Rest stop off Route 81, West Virginia.
>
> 3. No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick
> and tired of putting up with her crap.
> ---Men's Room, Linda's Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill, North
> Carolina
>
> 4. Make love, not war. Hell, do both, get married!
> ---Women's restroom, The Filling Station, Bozeman, Montana
>
> 5. A Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles,
> you're going to have trouble with it.
> ---Women's restroom, Dick's Last Resort, Dallas, Texas
>
> 6. No wonder you always go home alone.
> ---Sign over mirror in Men's restroom, Ed Debevic's, Beverly
> Hills, CA
>
> 7. Beauty is only a light switch away.
> --- Perkins Library, Duke University, Durham, North
> Carolina.
>
> 8. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been
> anywhere.
> ---Written in the dust on the back of a bus, Flagstaff,
> Arizona.
>
> 9. If voting could really change things, it would be
> illegal.
> --- Revolution Books, New York, New York
>
> 10. Please don't throw your cigarette butts in the urinal.
> It makes them soggy and hard to light.
> ---The Janitor
>
> 11. What are you looking up on the wall for? The joke is in
> your hands.
> ---Men's restroom, Lynagh's, Lexington, KY
>
> - submitted by Carol Bagshaw
>
> --
> Planning for the fall football season in the South is
> radically different from up north. For those who are
> planning a football trip south, here are some helpful hints.
>
> Women's Accessories:
> NORTH: chopstick in back pocket and a $20 bill in the front
> pocket.
> SOUTH: Louis Vuitton duffel with two lipsticks, waterproof
> mascara, and a fifth of bourbon. Money not necessary -
> that's what dates are for.
>
> Stadium Size:
> NORTH: College football stadiums hold 20,000 people.
> SOUTH: High school football stadiums hold 20,000 people.
>
> Fathers:
> NORTH: Expect their daughters to understand Sylvia Plath.
> SOUTH: Expect their daughters to understand pass
> interference.
>
> Campus Decor:
> NORTH: Statues of founding fathers.
> SOUTH: Statues of Heisman trophy winners.
>
> Homecoming Queen:
> NORTH: Also a physics major.
> SOUTH: Also Miss America.
>
> Heroes:
> NORTH: Rudy Guliani
> SOUTH: Archie & Payton Manning
>
> Getting Tickets:
> NORTH: 5 days before the game you walk into the ticket
> office on campus and purchase tickets.
> SOUTH: 5 months before the game you walk into the ticket
> office on campus and put name on waiting list for tickets.
>
> Friday Classes After a Thursday Night Game:
> NORTH: Students and teachers not sure they're going to the
> game, because they have classes on Friday.
> SOUTH: Teachers cancel Friday classes because they don't
> want to see the few hungover students that might actually
> make it to class.
>
> Parking:
> NORTH: An hour before game time, the University opens the
> campus for game parking.
> SOUTH: RVs sporting their school flags begin arriving on
> Wednesday for the weekend festivities. The really faithful
> arrive on Tuesday.
>
> Game Day:
> NORTH: A few students party in the dorm and watch ESPN on
> TV.
> SOUTH: Every student wakes up, has a beer for breakfast, and
> rushes over to where ESPN is broadcasting "Game Day Live" to
> get on camera and wave to the idiots up north who wonder why
> "Game Day Live" is never broadcast from their campus.
>
> Tailgating:
> NORTH: Raw meat on a grill, beer with lime in it, listening
> to local radio station with truck tailgate down.
> SOUTH: 30-foot custom pig-shaped smoker fires up at dawn.
> Cooking accompanied by live performance by "Dave Matthews'
> Band," who come over during breaks and asked for a hit off
> bottle of bourbon.
>
> Getting to the Stadium:
> NORTH: You ask "Where's the stadium?" When you find it, you
> walk right in.
> SOUTH: When you're near it, you'll hear it. On game day it
> becomes the state's third largest city.
>
> Concessions:
> NORTH: Drinks served in a paper cup, filled to the top with
> soda.
> SOUTH: Drinks served in a plastic cup, with the home team's
> mascot on it, filled less than half way with soda, to ensure
> enough room for bourbon.
>
> When National Anthem is Played:
> NORTH: Stands are less than half full, and less than half of
> them stand up. (Mumf note: I agree with the earlier ones,
> but this one isn't true!)
> SOUTH: 100,000 fans, all standing, sing along in perfect
> four-part harmony.
>
> The Smell in the Air After the First Score:
> NORTH: Nothing changes.
> SOUTH: Fireworks, with a touch of bourbon.
>
> Commentary (Male):
> North: "Nice play."
> SOUTH: "Dammit, you slow sumbitch - tackle him and break his
> legs."
>
> Commentary (Female):
> NORTH: "My, this certainly is a violent sport."
> SOUTH: "Dammit, you slow sumbitch - tackle him and break his
> legs."
>
> Announcers:
> NORTH: Neutral and paid.
> SOUTH: Announcer harmonizes with the crowd in the fight
> song, with a tear in his eye because he is so proud of his
> team. (Mumf note: like listening to Derek Sanderson doing
> color (or should I say "African Amer..") at a Boston Bruins
> hockey game)
>
> After the Game:
> NORTH: The stadium is empty way before the game ends.
> SOUTH: Another rack of ribs goes on the smoker. While
> somebody goes to the nearest package store for more bourbon,
> planning begins for next week's game.
>
> Nothing else in the universe comes even halfway close to the
> glories of Southern football . . .
>
> - submitted by Sue Greene
>
> --
> WHY WE LOVE CHILDREN:
>
> A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat. She
> asked him if it was dead or alive. "Dead." She was informed.
>
> "How do you know?" she asked her pupil.
>
> "Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move,"
> answered the child innocently.
>
> "You did WHAT?!?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
>
> "You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and
> went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move."
>
> _________________________________________________
> A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes
> later.... "Da-ad...."
>
> "What?"
>
> "I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?"
>
> "No. You had your chance. Lights out."
>
> Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad....."
>
> "WHAT?"
>
> "I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"
>
> "I told you NO!" If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!"
>
> Five minutes later...... "Daaaa-aaaad....."
>
> "WHAT!"
>
> "When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of
> water?"
>
> ________________________________________________
> An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into
> mischief, finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into
> Heaven?"
>
> The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out
> and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter
> says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'"
>
> _________________________________________________
> One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother
> was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the
> light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will
> you sleep with me tonight?"
>
> The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't
> dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."
>
> A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice:
> "The big pussy."
>
> _________________________________________________
> When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three
> year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to
> get into the shower. She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!"
>
> I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in
> her tummy"
>
> "I know," she replied, but what's growing in your butt?"
>
> _________________________________________________
> A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to
> himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three
> plus six, that son of a bitch is nine...."
>
> His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are
> you doing?"
>
> The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom."
>
> "And this is how your teacher taught you to do
> it?" the mother asked.
>
> "Yes," he answered.
>
> Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What
> are you teaching my son in math?"
>
> The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."
>
> The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus
> two, that son of a bitch is four?"
>
> After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I
> taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."
>
> - submitted by Rob Brucato (Mumf note: yes, the same Rob
> Brucato that has sent all the other off-color (should I be
> saying "off-African American"?, err.. I digress) submissions
> in the past -- my guess: he has a girl friend!)
>
>
>
>
>
>
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------
----
> Notice: This e-mail message, together with any attachments, contains
information of Merck & Co., Inc. (Whitehouse Station, New Jersey, USA) that
may be confidential, proprietary copyrighted and/or legally privileged, and
is intended solely for the use of the individual or entity named on this
message.  If you are not the intended recipient, and have received this
message in error, please immediately return this by e-mail and then delete
it.
>
>
============================================================================
==
>
> _______________________________________
> Subscribers, send mail to this address Rhodes22-list@rhodes22.org
> To change your options or unsubscribe from the list click on this link
> http://www.rhodes22.org/mailman/listinfo/rhodes22-list Check out our
> FAQ pages at http://www.geocities.com/blew_skies/topics.html
> http://www.sailnet.com/ -Where Sailors Get It!  http://www.rhodes22.org
>

------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Notice: This e-mail message, together with any attachments, contains information of Merck & Co., Inc. (Whitehouse Station, New Jersey, USA) that may be confidential, proprietary copyrighted and/or legally privileged, and is intended solely for the use of the individual or entity named on this message.  If you are not the intended recipient, and have received this message in error, please immediately return this by e-mail and then delete it.

==============================================================================