[Rhodes22-list] jokes

[Michael Meltzer]

A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands directly
next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his haircut, eating her snack
cake.

The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie."

She says, "I know. I'm gonna get boobs too."

++
A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat. She asked him if
it was dead or alive. "Dead." She was informed. "How do you know?" she
asked her pupil.

"Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child
innocently.

"You did WHAT?!?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.

"You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it
didn't move."

++
A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later...

"Da-ad..."

"What?"

"I'm thirsty. Can you bring a drink of water?"

"No. You had your chance. Lights out."

Five minutes later... "Da-aaaad..."

"WHAT?"

"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"

"I told you NO!" If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!"

Five minutes later... "Daaaa-aaaad..."

"WHAT!"

"When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"

++
An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally
asked him, "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"

The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in an out
and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake,
Dylan, come in or stay out!'"

++
One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her
son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a
tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"

The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said.
"I have to sleep in Daddy's room."

A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice, "The big sissy."

++
It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's
sermon. All the children were invited to come forward.

One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat
down, the pastor leaned over and said, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it
your Easter Dress?"

The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone,
"Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron."

++
When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three-year-old came
into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She
said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!"

I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy."

"I know," she replied, but what's growing in your butt?"

++
A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two plus
five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is
nine..."

His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"

The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom."

"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked.

"Yes," he answered.

Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you
teaching my son in math?"

The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."

The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son
of a bitch is four?"

After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was,
'two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four'."

++
One day a teacher read the story Chicken Little to her class. She came to
the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She
read, "... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, 'The sky
is falling, the sky is falling!'"

The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that
farmer said?"

One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said, 'Holy Shit! A
talking chicken!'"

++
 1. When an agnostic dies, does he go to the "great perhaps?"
 2. Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called the "rush hour?"
 3. Do you think Houdini ever locked his keys in his car?
 4. Why is there a road sign that says, "Braille Institute, Next Exit?"
 5. Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?
 6. If procrastinators had a club, would they ever have a meeting?
 7. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
 8. Have you ever wondered why just one letter makes all the difference
between here and there?
 9. When you go into a hotel, you always see reception. Why do you never
just see ception?
10. If time heals all wounds, how come the belly button stays the same?
11. If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only
save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?
12. Isn't it strange that the same people who laugh at gypsy fortune
tellers take economists seriously?
13. If genetic scientists crossed a chicken with a zebra, would they get a
four-legged chicken with its own barcode?
14. If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?
15. Why is there always "one in every crowd?"
16. If all the world is a stage, where does the audience sit?
17. Is it possible to have déjà vu and amnesia at the same time?
18. Why do hair shampoo instructions say, "Lather. Rinse. Repeat?" If you
did this, would you ever be able to stop?
19. Who decided "Hotpoint" would be a good name for a company that sells
refrigerators?
20. How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes

++
A law enforcement officer stops a car for traveling faster than the posted
speed limit. Since he's in a good mood that day he decides to give the
poor fellow a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. So,
he asks the man his name.

"Fred," he replies.

"Fred what?" the officer asks.

"Just Fred," the man responds.

When the officer presses him for a last name, the man tells him that he
used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks he has a nutcase
on his hands, but plays along with it.

"Tell me Fred, how did you lose your last name?"

The man replies, "It's a long story so stay with me. I was born Fred
Dingaling. I know, funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the
time. So I stayed to myself. I studied hard and got good grades. When I
got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through
college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree,
so I was Fred Dingaling, MD.

"After a while I got bored being a doctor so I decided to go back to
school. Dentistry was my dream. Got all the way through school, got my
degree so I was now Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS.

"Got bored doing dentistry so I started fooling around with my assistant.
She gave me VD. So, I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS with VD.

"Well, the ADA found out about the VD so they took away my DDS so I was
Fred Dingaling MD with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking
away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred
Dingaling with VD. Then the VD took away my dingaling so now I'm just
Fred."

The officer walked away in tears, laughing so hard, and tore up the
Warning ticket.

-from Jimi Pocius

--
Two ladies were hanging out together and one was depressed. "What's
wrong?" asked the first.

The depressed one replied, "I've been married four times and every one of
my husbands has passed away."

The first lady asked, "What did they used to do?"

The depressed lady replied, "Well, my first husband was a millionaire, the
second was a magician, the third was an evangelist, and the fourth was a
mortician."

And the other said, "Oh, I see, one for the money, two for the show, three
to get ready. and four to go ..."

-from John Raso

--
EMPLOYEE MANUAL

DRESS CODE

It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If
we see you wearing $350.00 Prada sneakers and carrying a $600.00 Gucci
bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do
not need a raise.

SICK DAYS

We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you
are able to go to the doctor you are able to come to work.

SURGERY

Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here you need
all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you
intact. To have something removed constitutes a breech of employment.

PERSONAL DAYS

Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called
Saturdays & Sundays.

VACATION DAYS

All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year. The
vacation days are as follows: January 1, July 4, & December 25.

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE

This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead
friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have
non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee
involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late
afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour
and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is
done.

OUT FROM YOUR OWN DEATH

This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks
notice as it is your duty to train your own replacement.

RESTROOM USE

Entirely too much time is being spent in the rest room. In the future, we
will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all
employees whose names begin with "A" will go from 8:00 to 8:20, employees
whose names begin with "B" will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and so on. If you are
unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the
next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may
swap their time with a co-worker. This exchange must be submitted in
writing to your Employer & supervisor for approval. In addition there is a
strict 3 minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of 3 minutes, an
alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract and the stall door
will open.

LUNCH BREAK

Skinny people will get an hour for lunch as they need to eat more so that
they can look healthy. Normal size people will get 30 minutes for lunch to
get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people will get
5 minutes for lunch because that is all the time needed to drink a Slim
Fast and take a diet pill.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a
positive employment experience. Therefore all questions, comments,
concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations,
insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations or
input should be directed elsewhere.

Have a nice week.
Management

-from Kevin Haggerty

--
THINGS TO SAY WHEN STRESSED AT WORK

Fuck this place!
 2. You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing?
 3. Well this day was a total waste of make-up.
 4. Well aren't we a bloody ray of sunshine.
 5. Don't bother me, I'm living happily ever after.
 6. Do I look like a people person?
 7. This isn't an office. It's HELL with fluorescent lighting.
 8. I'm not crazy, I've been in a very bad mood for 30 years.
 9. Sarcasm is just one more service I offer.
10. Do they ever shut up on your planet?
11. Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't gone
to sleep yet.
12. Don't worry. I forgot your name too.
13. Wait....I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
14. Chaos, panic and disorder...my work here is done.
15. You look like shit. Is that the style now?
16. Earth is full. Go home.
17. Aw, did I step on your poor little bitty ego?
18. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
19. A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.
20. You are depriving some village of an idiot.
21. If assholes could fly, this place would be an airport.

-from Carol Bagshaw

--
Once upon a time there was a female brain cell that by mistake happened to
end up in a man's head. She looked around nervously but it was all empty
and quiet. "Hello?" she cried, but no answer. "Is there anyone here?" she
cried a little louder, but still no answer.

Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled:
"HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE?"

Then she heard a voice from far, far away: "Hello, we're down here.........

-from Patty Galvin

--