[Rhodes22-list] jokes

Michael Meltzer mjm@michaelmeltzer.com
Thu, 10 Apr 2003 12:29:35 -0400


Since history began, the Chinese always believed in the significance of
one's name.They have developed a very comprehensive system of naming one's
children as it is believed that the name of a person strongly influences
one's destiny and fate. Astrologers,fortune tellers,academics and monks are
consulted when choosing a name for the new born. Most other cultures,
however do not really believe in it and tend to brush it off as
superstition. Whether you believe it or not, however, the other cultures are
not spared of this correlation. One very good example is Lee Iacocca, whose
name IACOCCA stands for : 
 
I
Am
Chairman
Of
Chrysler
Corporation
America

coincidence?....... Look at the following familiar examples. Bush stands for
: 
 
Beat
Up
Saddam
Hussein ! 

However, no one can beat this latest casualty in bad naming Osama stands for
: 

Oh
Shit,
American
Missiles
Again!

- from Gary Savage

--
A high-ranking general of the Iraqi military called a special meeting of all
of Saddam's body doubles. "I have good news, and bad news," he told them.
"The good news is that, despite the attacks of the Americans, our glorious
leader, Saddam Hussein, is still alive and in charge of our country."

"The bad news is that he lost an arm."

- from Sandy Fraser

--
Top 10 Reasons Canada is Not Fighting In Iraq

10. We have no way of getting there.

 9. We are too busy at home with the Maple Syrup Season.

 8. After 136 Years, we are still copying off France.

 7. Saddam's name pronounced backwards is "Mad Ass". We'll stay away from
him.

 6. There is only limited potential for sales of Canadian Bacon in Iraq
after the war.

 5. Our Sea King Helicopter was damaged and needs repairs.

 4. Celine Dion can't sing to the troops because she has a contract in Las
Vegas.

 3. The Rivers in Iraq are too shallow for our War Canoes.

 2. Lousy hockey in Iraq at this time of year.

 1. Our army is needed at home in case of another snow storm in Toronto.

- from Kevin Haggerty, NOT (surprisingly) from John Raso

--
More of Andy Rooney's Philosophy

 I don't think being a minority makes you a victim of anything except
numbers. 

The only things I can think of that are truly discriminatory are things like
the United Negro College Fund, Jet Magazine, Black Entertainment Television,
and Miss Black America. Try to have things like the United Caucasian College
Fund, Cloud Magazine, White Entertainment Television, or Miss White America
and see what happens. Jesse Jackson will be knocking down your door. (Mumf
note: or all of the uninformed, entitlement-minded UConn blacks will ask for
your head!)

When 70% of the people who get arrested are black, in cities where 70% of
the population is black, that is not racial profiling, it is the law of
statistics.

I believe that if you are selling me a milk shake, a pack of cigarettes, a
newspaper, or a hotel room, you must do it in English. As a matter of fact,
if you want to be an American citizen you should speak English. My father
and grandfather shouldn't have to die in vain so you can leave the countries
you were born in to come over and disrespect ours.

I think the police should have every right to shoot your sorry ass if you
threaten them after they tell you to stop. If you can't understand the word
"freeze" or "stop" in English, see the above lines.

I feel much safer letting a machine with no political affiliation recount
votes when needed.

I don't think just because you were not born in this country, you are
qualified for any special loan programs, government sponsored bank loans or
tax breaks etc., so you can open a hotel, coffee shop, trinket store, or any
other business.

I believe a self-righteous liberal or conservative with a cause is more
dangerous than a Hell's Angel with an attitude.

I think Bill Gates has every right to keep every penny he made and continue
to make more. If it ticks you off, go and invent the next operating system
that's better and put your name on the building. Ask your buddy that
invented the Internet to help you.

It doesn't take a whole village to raise a child right, but it does take a
parent to stand up to the kid and smack his little ass when necessary and
say "NO".

I am sick of "Political Correctness" and of all the suck ups that go along
with it. I know a lot of black people, and not a single one of them was born
in Africa, so how can they be "African-Americans"? Besides, Africa is a
continent. I don't go around saying I am a European-American because my
great, great, great, great, great, great grandfather was from Europe. I am
proud to be from America and nowhere else.

And if you don't like my point of view, tough!

- from Carol Bagshaw

--
Picture in your mind the soldier at Valley Forge, as he holds his musket in
his bloody hands. He stands barefoot in the snow, starved from lack of food,
wounded from months of battle and emotionally scarred from the eternity away
from his family, surrounded by nothing but death and carnage of war. He
stands tough, with fire in his eyes and victory on his breath. He looks at
us now in anger and disgust and tells us this . . . 

I gave you a birthright of freedom born in the Constitution and now your
children graduate too illiterate to read it. I fought in the snow barefoot
to give you the freedom to vote and you stay at home because it rains. I
left my family destitute to give you the freedom of speech and you remain
silent on critical issues, because it might be bad for business. I orphaned
my children to give you a government to serve you and it has stolen
democracy from the people. 

It's the soldier - not the reporter - who gives you the freedom of the
press. 

It's the soldier - not the poet - who gives you the freedom of speech. 

It's the soldier- not the campus organizer - who allows you to demonstrate. 

It's the soldier who salutes the flag, serves the flag, whose coffin is
draped with the flag that allows the protester to burn the flag!!! 

"Lord, hold our troops in your loving hands. Protect them as they protect
us. Bless them and their families for the selfless acts they perform for us
in our time of need. Amen."

- from Jimi Pocius

--
Inaugural Address
President John F. Kennedy
Washington, D.C.
January 20, 1961

Vice President Johnson, Mr. Speaker, Mr. Chief Justice, President
Eisenhower, Vice President Nixon, President Truman, Reverend Clergy, fellow
citizens:

We observe today not a victory of party but a celebration of
freedom--symbolizing an end as well as a beginning--signifying renewal as
well as change. For I have sworn before you and Almighty God the same solemn
oath our forbears prescribed nearly a century and three-quarters ago.

The world is very different now. For man holds in his mortal hands the power
to abolish all forms of human poverty and all forms of human life. And yet
the same revolutionary beliefs for which our forebears fought are still at
issue around the globe--the belief that the rights of man come not from the
generosity of the state but from the hand of God.

We dare not forget today that we are the heirs of that first revolution. Let
the word go forth from this time and place, to friend and foe alike, that
the torch has been passed to a new generation of Americans--born in this
century, tempered by war, disciplined by a hard and bitter peace, proud of
our ancient heritage--and unwilling to witness or permit the slow undoing of
those human rights to which this nation has always been committed, and to
which we are committed today at home and around the world.

Let every nation know, whether it wishes us well or ill, that we shall pay
any price, bear any burden, meet any hardship, support any friend, oppose
any foe to assure the survival and the success of liberty.

This much we pledge--and more.

To those old allies whose cultural and spiritual origins we share, we pledge
the loyalty of faithful friends. United there is little we cannot do in a
host of cooperative ventures. Divided there is little we can do-for we dare
not meet a powerful challenge at odds and split asunder.

 To those new states whom we welcome to the ranks of the free, we pledge our
word that one form of colonial control shall not have passed away merely to
be replaced by a far more iron tyranny. We shall not always expect to find
them supporting our view. But we shall always hope to find them strongly
supporting their own freedom--and to remember that, in the past, those who
foolishly sought power by riding the back of the tiger ended up inside.

To those people in the huts and villages of half the globe struggling to
break the bonds of mass misery, we pledge our best efforts to help them help
themselves, for whatever period is required--not because the communists may
be doing it, not because we seek their votes, but because it is right. If a
free society cannot help the many who are poor, it cannot save the few who
are rich.

To our sister republics south of our border, we offer a special pledge--to
convert our good words into good deeds--in a new alliance for progress--to
assist free men and free governments in casting off the chains of poverty.
But this peaceful revolution of hope cannot become the prey of hostile
powers. Let all our neighbors know that we shall join with them to oppose
aggression or subversion anywhere in the Americas. And let every other power
know that this Hemisphere intends to remain the master of its own house.

To that world assembly of sovereign states, the United Nations, our last
best hope in an age where the instruments of war have far outpaced the
instruments of peace, we renew our pledge of support--to prevent it from
becoming merely a forum for invective--to strengthen its shield of the new
and the weak--and to enlarge the area in which its writ may run.

Finally, to those nations who would make themselves our adversary, we offer
not a pledge but a request: that both sides begin anew the quest for peace,
before the dark powers of destruction unleashed by science engulf all
humanity in planned or accidental self-destruction.

We dare not tempt them with weakness. For only when our arms are sufficient
beyond doubt can we be certain beyond doubt that they will never be
employed.

But neither can two great and powerful groups of nations take comfort from
our present course--both sides overburdened by the cost of modern weapons,
both rightly alarmed by the steady spread of the deadly atom, yet both
racing to alter that uncertain balance of terror that stays the hand of
mankind's final war.

So let us begin anew--remembering on both sides that civility is not a sign
of weakness, and sincerity is always subject to proof. Let us never
negotiate out of fear. But let us never fear to negotiate.

Let both sides explore what problems unite us instead of belaboring those
problems which divide us.

Let both sides, for the first time, formulate serious and precise proposals
for the inspection and control of arms--and bring the absolute power to
destroy other nations under the absolute control of all nations.

Let both sides seek to invoke the wonders of science instead of its terrors.
Together let us explore the stars, conquer the deserts, eradicate disease,
tap the ocean depths and encourage the arts and commerce.

Let both sides unite to heed in all corners of the earth the command of
Isaiah--to "undo the heavy burdens . . . (and) let the oppressed go free."

And if a beachhead of cooperation may push back the jungle of suspicion, let
both sides join in creating a new endeavor, not a new balance of power, but
a new world of law, where the strong are just and the weak secure and the
peace preserved.

All this will not be finished in the first one hundred days. Nor will it be
finished in the first one thousand days, nor in the life of this
Administration, nor even perhaps in our lifetime on this planet. But let us
begin.

In your hands, my fellow citizens, more than mine, will rest the final
success or failure of our course. Since this country was founded, each
generation of Americans has been summoned to give testimony to its national
loyalty. The graves of young Americans who answered the call to service
surround the globe.

Now the trumpet summons us again--not as a call to bear arms, though arms we
need--not as a call to battle, though embattled we are-- but a call to bear
the burden of a long twilight struggle, year in and year out, "rejoicing in
hope, patient in tribulation"--a struggle against the common enemies of man:
tyranny, poverty, disease and war itself.

Can we forge against these enemies a grand and global alliance, North and
South, East and West, that can assure a more fruitful life for all mankind?
Will you join in that historic effort?

In the long history of the world, only a few generations have been granted
the role of defending freedom in its hour of maximum danger. I do not shrink
from this responsibility--I welcome it. I do not believe that any of us
would exchange places with any other people or any other generation. The
energy, the faith, the devotion which we bring to this endeavor will light
our country and all who serve it--and the glow from that fire can truly
light the world.

And so, my fellow Americans: ask not what your country can do for you--ask
what you can do for your country.

My fellow citizens of the world: ask not what America will do for you, but
what together we can do for the freedom of man.

Finally, whether you are citizens of America or citizens of the world, ask
of us here the same high standards of strength and sacrifice which we ask of
you. With a good conscience our only sure reward, with history the final
judge of our deeds, let us go forth to lead the land we love, asking His
blessing and His help, but knowing that here on earth God's work must truly
be our own.

http://www.cs.umb.edu/jfklibrary/j012061.htm
<http://www.cs.umb.edu/jfklibrary/j012061.htm> 

- from Fred Frost

--