[Rhodes22-list] jokes

[Michael Meltzer]

A husband in his back yard is trying to fly a kite. He throws the kite up in
the air, the wind catches it for a few seconds then it comes crashing back
down. He tries this a few more times with no success. All the while his wife
is watching from the kitchen window, muttering to herself how men need to be
told how to do everything. She opens the window and yells to her husband,
"You need more tail."

The man turns with a confused look on his face and says, "Make up your mind.
Last night, you told me to go fly a kite!"

++
The day arrives and Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is at the
Pearly Gates and met by St. Peter. However, the gates are closed and Forrest
approaches the Gatekeeper.

St. Peter says, "Well, Forrest, it's certainly good to see you. We have
heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up
fast, and we've been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The
test is short, but you have pass it before you can get into Heaven."

Forrest responds, "It shor is good to be here St. Peter, sir. Tain't nobody
ever tolt me about any entrance exam. Shor hope the test ain't too hard;
life was a big enough test as it was."

St. Peter says, "Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three
questions... First: What two days of the week begin with the letter T?
Second: How many seconds are there in a year? Third: What is God's first
name?"

Forrest says, "Well, the first one -- which two days in the week begin with
the letter T? Shucks, that one's easy. That'd be Today and Tomorrow."

The Saint's eyes open wide and he exclaims, "Forrest, that's not what I was
thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I didn't specify, so I'll
give you credit for that answer. How about the next one?" asks St. Peter.
"How many seconds in a year?"

"Now that one's harder," says Forrest, "but I guess the only answer can be
twelve."

Astounded, St. Peter says, "Twelve? Twelve!? Forrest, how do you come up
with twelve seconds in a year?"

Forrest says, "Shucks, there's gotta be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd,
March 2nd. . ."

"Hold it," interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you're going with this, and I
see your point, though that wasn't quite what I had in mind..... but I'll
have to give you credit for that one, too. Let's go on with the third and
final question. Can you tell me God's first name"?

"Sure," Forrest replied, "it's Andy."

"Andy?!" exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St. Peter. "Ok, I can
understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but
just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name
of God?"

"Shucks, that was the easiest one of all," Forrest replied. "I learnt it
from the song. . . . "ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME
I AM HIS OWN. . ."

St. Peter opens the Pearly Gates and says: "Run Forrest, run."


- from Kevin Haggerty

--
Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered
over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he
politely asked, "What are you doing there, Nancy?"

"My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully without looking up, "and I've
just buried him." 

The neighbor was very concerned. "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish,
isn't it?"

Nancy patted down the last heap of dirt then replied, "That's because he's
inside your fucking cat."

++
Notice to people who visit my home.

1. The dog lives here. You don't.
2. If you don't want dog hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
3. Yes, she has some disgusting habits. So do I and so do you. What's your
point?
4. OF COURSE she smells like a dog.
5. It's her nature to try to sniff your crotch. Please feel free to sniff
hers.
6. I like her a lot better than I like most people.
7. To you she's a dog. To me she's an adopted daughter who is short, hairy,
walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly. I have no problem with any of
these things.
8. Dogs are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for money all the
time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car,
don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry
about whether they have the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't
need a gazillion dollars for college, and if they get pregnant you can sell
the pups.
9. The same applies for the cats, except they will ignore you...until you're
asleep.

++
"Zen Judaism"

Accept misfortune as a blessing. Do not wish for perfect health or a life
without problems. What would you talk about?

Let go of pride, ego, and opinions. Admit your errors and forgive those of
others. Relinquishment will lead to calm and healing in your relationships.
If that doesn't work, try small-claims court.

The Torah says, "Love they neighbor as thyself." The Buddha says there is no
"self." So maybe
you're off the hook. 

There is no escaping karma. In a previous life, you never called, you never
wrote, you never visited. And whose fault was that?

Though only your skin, sinews, and bones remain, though your blood and flesh
dry up and wither away, yet shall you meditate and not stir until you have
attained full Enlightenment. But first, a little nosh.

Be here now. Be someplace else later. Is that so complicated?

If there is no self, whose arthritis is this? 

Wherever you go, there you are. Your luggage is another story.

- from Sandy Fraser

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