[Rhodes22-list] Jokes

[brad haslett]

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where
she  selected a
quart of milk, a carton of eggs, juice, and a package
of  bacon.  As
she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to
check out, a
drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the
items in front of
the cashier.

He said, "You must be single."

The woman, a bit startled  but intrigued, looked at
her four items on
the belt.  Seeing nothing particularly unusual about
her selections
she said, "Well, you know what, you're absolutely
right. But how on
earth did you know that?"

The drunk  replied, "Cause you're uglier'n shit."





Some ideas to ponder.

Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece
on those little
bottles of Evian water?  Try spelling Evian backwards:
NAIVE

Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like
making a peeing section
in a swimming pool?

OK...  so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the
"Jags" and the Tampa
Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs", what does that
make the Tennessee
Titans ?

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that
mean that one enjoys
it?

There are three religious truths:
1.  Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
2.  Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the
leader of the Christian
faith.
3.  Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor
store or at Hooters

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around
several times, does he
become disoriented?

If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't
people from Holland
called Holes?

Why do we say something is out of whack?  What's a
whack?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy
adultery?

If a pig loses is it disgruntled?

If  love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts" and
you put your two
cents in .  .  .  what happens to the other penny?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a
broker?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages?  Aren't
they just stale bread to
begin with?

When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist
but a person who drives
a race car not called a racist?

Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the
English language.  Could
it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked,
doesn't it follow that
electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted,
cowboys deranged, models
deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners
depressed?

You never really learn to swear until you learn to
drive.

No one ever says, "It's only a game" when their team
is winning.

Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it
didn't zigzag?

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast.  The
mime next door went
nuts.

If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?

Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?



An 80 year old man went to the doctor for a check-up
and the doctor
was amazed at what good shape the guy was in. The
doctor asked, "To what do
you attribute your good health?"

The old timer said, "I'm a golfer and that's why I'm
in such good shape.

I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and
down the fairways."

The doctor said, "Well, I'm sure that helps, but
there's got to be more
to it. How old was your dad when he died?" The old
timer said, "Who said

my dad's dead?"

The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and
your dad's still
alive?
How old is he?"

The old timer said, "He's 100 yrs old and, in fact, he
golfed with me
this morning, and that's why he's still alive... he's
a golfer."

The doctor said, "Well, that's great, but I'm sure
there's more to it.
How about your dad's dad? How old was he when he
died?"

The old timer said, "Who said my grandpa's dead?"

The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and
your grandfather's
still living! How old is he?"

The old timer said, "He's 118 yrs old."

The doctor was getting frustrated at this point and
said, "I guess he
went golfing with you this morning too?"

The old timer said, "No... Grandpa couldn't go this
morning because he
got married."

The Doctor said in amazement, "Got married!! Why would
a 118-year-old
guy want to get married?"

The old timer said, "Who said he wanted to?"

I went to the store the other day, and I was in there
for only about 5
minutes. When I came out there was a motorcycle cop
writing a parking
ticket. So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy,
how about giving a
guy a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the
ticket.
So I called him a pencil-necked Nazi. He glared at me
and started writing
another ticket for worn tires! So I called him a piece
of horse s**t.
He finished the second ticket and put it on the
windshield with the first.
Then he started writing a third ticket! This went on
for about 20
minutes... the more I abused him, the more tickets he
wrote. I didn't care.
My car was parked around the corner. I try to have a
little fun each day.
It's important!


Golf Balls

 A man entered the bus, with both of his front pant
pockets full of golf
 balls, and sat down next to a blonde.

 The blonde kept looking quizzically at him and his
bulging pockets.

 Finally, after many such glances from her, he said,
"It's golf balls."

 The blonde continued to look at him thoughtfully and
finally asked, "Does
it  hurt as much as tennis elbow?"


Winning Ticket

A blonde goes into a restaurant and notices there's a
'peel and win' sticker on her coffee cup. So she peels
it off
and starts screaming, "I've won a motor home! I've won
a motor home!"
The waitress says, "That's impossible.
The biggest prize is a free lunch."
But the blonde keeps screaming, "I've won a motor
home!
I've won a motor home!
"Finally the manager comes over and says, "Ma'am, I'm
sorry, but you're mistaken. You couldn't possibly have
won a
motor home because we didn't have that as a prize!"
The blonde says, "No it's not a mistake. I've won a
motor home!" And she hands the ticket to the manager
and he reads...

............."WIN A BAGEL"

sorry



Actual School Absence Excuse Notes

These are excuse notes from parents (including
original spelling)
collected by schools from all over the country.

1. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take
P.E.
today. Please execute him.

2. Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick
and I had
her shot.

3. Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on
Jan. 28, 29,
30, 31, 32, and also 33.

4. Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is
administrating.

5. Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days.
Yesterday he
fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken
out of his
face.

7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing
football.
He was hurt in the growing part.

8. Megan could not come to school today because she
has been
bothered by very close veins.

9. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in
his side.

10. Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very
loose
vowels.

11. Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday.
He had
(diahre) (dyrea) (direathe) the shits. [words in ()'s
were crossed out.]

12. Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He
had
diarrhea and his boots leak.

13. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his
bust.

14. Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's
fault.

15. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas
shopping
because I don't know what size she wear.

16. Please excuse Jennifer for missing school
yesterday. We
forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when
we found
it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.

17. Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We
have to
attend her funeral.

18. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was
tired. She
spent a weekend with the Marines.

19. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He
had a cold
and could not breed well.

20. Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She
was in bed
with gramps.

21. Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a
gangover.

22. Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under
the doctor.

23. Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had
a fever,
sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister
was also
sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low
grade fever
and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore
throat and
fever. There must be something going around, her
father even got
hot last night.

24. Please excuse little Jimmy for not being in school
yesterday.
His father is gone and I could not get him ready
because I was in
bed with the doctor




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