[Rhodes22-list] jokes

[Michael Meltzer]

While attending a marriage seminar on communication, a man and his wife
listened to the instructor declare "It is essential that husbands and wives
know the things that are important to each other."  He addressed the men,
"Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?"  The man leaned over,
touched his wife's arm gently and whispered "Pillsbury All-Purpose, isn't
it?"

 - Anna Mumford

--
A few people are sitting in a bar when one guy says, "My name is Larry, and
I am a SNAG."

Another guy says, "What's that?"

The first guy says, "That means I am a Single, New Age Guy."

Another one says, "My name is Gary, and I am a DINK.

A girl asks, "What's that?"

He says, "That means I am a Double Income, No Kids."

A lady says, "That's nice. My name is Gertrude, and I am a WIFE."

Larry says, "A wife? What's a wife?"

She says, "That means, 'Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc."

 - from Kevin Haggerty

--
A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and was on the
verge of being burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands
would be beneficial, he decided to change careers and become a mechanic.

He found out from the local technical college what was involved, signed up
for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the
time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully
for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.

When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a
score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying "I don't
want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if
there had been an error which needed adjusting."

The instructor told him that, during the exam, he took the engine apart
perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. Then he put the engine
back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark. The
instructor went on to say, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did all of
it through the muffler."

 - from Jimi Pocius

--
o Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.
o I am in shape. Round is a shape.
o Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
o Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark,
professionals built the Titanic.
o Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels good.
o Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be
changed regularly and for the same reason.
o There will always be death and taxes; however, death doesn't get worse
every year.
o In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.
o I plan on living forever. So far, so good.
o A day without sunshine is like night.
o It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask
you the questions.
o Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

 - from Kevin Haggerty

--
(Mumf note: and, with the weekend looming large around the corner, I felt
that this oft repeated tome is well worth the repetition)

"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel shamed. Then I
look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of
their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of
work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is
better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish
and worry about my liver."
~ Jack Handy

"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning,
that's as good as they're going to feel all day. "
~ Frank Sinatra

"An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his
fools."
~ Ernest Hemingway

"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
~ Henny Youngman

"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."
~ Stephen Wright

"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we
fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven.
Sooooo, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"
~ Brian O'Rourke

"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
~ Benjamin Franklin

"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer.
Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does
not go nearly as well with pizza."
~ Dave Barry

BEER: HELPING UGLY PEOPLE HAVE SEX SINCE 3000 B.C.!!!
~ "Unknown"

Remember "I" before "E", except in Budweiser.
~ "Unknown"

To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
~ "Unknown"

And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers. One
afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his
buddy Norm. Here's how it went:

"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as
fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest
and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection
is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the
whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.
In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the
slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain
cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.
In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells,
making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always
feel smarter after a few beers."

 - from Jay Pocius

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