[Rhodes22-list] jokes

[Michael Meltzer]

Things You'd Love to Say Out Loud at Work 

 1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit. 
 2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce. 
 3. How about never? Is never good for you? 
 4. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter. (Mumf note: this one sounds like something I would say! and, I won't even tell Brian who makes me want to say it the most!)
 5. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying. 
 6. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a damn. 
 7. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth. 
 8. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental. 
 9. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant. 
10. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...? 
11. Do I look like a people person? 
12. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer. 
13. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality. 
14. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it? 
15. How do I set a laser printer to stun? 
16. I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a salary. 

++
Statements found on insurance forms where car drivers attempted to summarize the details of an accident in the fewest possible words. 

o Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have. 
o The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention. 
o I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it. 
o I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way. 
o A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face. 
o The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him. 
o I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment. 
o In an attempt to kill a fly I drove into a telephone pole. 
o I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car. 
o I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident. 
o I was on the way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident. 
o As I approached an intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident. 
o To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck a pedestrian. 
o My car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle. 
o An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished. 
o I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull. 
o I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him. 
o The pedestrian had no idea which way to run as I ran over him. 
o I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car. 
o The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth. 
o I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows. 
o The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of the way when I struck the front end. 


 - from Jimi Pocius

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Mrs. Ferrara comes to visit her son Anthony for dinner...who lives with a female roommate Vikki. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Anthony's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Anthony volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Vikki and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Vikki came to Anthony saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote:

  Dear Momma,
  I'm not saying that you 'did' take the sugar bowl from my house, I'm not saying that you 'did not' take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
  Love,
  Anthony

Several days later, Anthony received a response email from his Momma which read:

  Dear Son,
  I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Vikki, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now.
  Love, Momma.

++
A kindergarten class had a homework assignment  to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day.

The first little boy, Johnny, was called upon, walked up to the front of the class, with a piece of chalk, he made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was. "It's a period," said little Johnny.

"Well, I can see that," she said, "but what is so exciting about a period?"

"Damned if I know," said the little Johnny, "but this morning my sister was missing one, Dad had a heart attack, Mom fainted, and the man next door shot himself


 - from Nancy Monroe

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On the last day of his trip he hooked a monster fish and proceeded to reel it in. The guide, holding a net, yelled, "look at the size of that Son of a Bitch!"

"Son, I'm a priest. Your language is uncalled for!"


Trying to cover for himself, he replied back, "No, Father, that's what kind of fish it is--a Son of a Bitch fish!"

"Really? Well then, help me land this Son of a Bitch!"

Once in the boat, they marveled at the size of the monster. "Father, that's the biggest Son of a Bitch I've ever seen."

"Yes, it is a big Son of a Bitch. What should I do with it?"

"Why, eat it of course. You've never tasted anything as good as a Son of a Bitch!"

Elated, the priest headed home to the rectory. While unloading his gear and his prize catch, Sister Mary inquired about his trip. "Take a look at this big Son of a Bitch I caught!"

Sister Mary gasped and clutched her rosary, "Father!"

"It's OK, Sister. That's what kind of fish it is--a Son of a Bitch fish!"

"Oh, well then, what are you going to do with that big Son of a Bitch?"

"Why, eat it of course. The guide said nothing compares to the taste of a Son of a Bitch."

Sister Mary informed the priest that the new Bishop was scheduled to visit tomorrow and that they should fix the Son of a Bitch for his dinner. "I'll even clean the Son of a Bitch", she said.

As she was cleaning the huge fish, the Friar walked in. "What are you doing Sister?"

"Father wants me to clean this big Son of a Bitch for the new Bishops' dinner."

"Sister! I'll clean it if you're so upset!  Please watch your language!"

"No, no! , no, it's called a Son of a Bitch fish".

"Really? Well, in that case, I'll fix up a great meal to go with it, and that Son of a Bitch can be the main course! Let me know when you've finished cleaning that Son of a Bitch."

On the night of the new Bishop's visit, everything was perfect. The Friar had prepared an excellent meal. The wine was fine, and the fish was excellent. The new Bishop said, "This is great fish, where did you get it?"

"I caught that Son of a Bitch!" proclaimed the proud priest. The Bishop's eyes opened wide, but he said nothing.

"And I cleaned the Son of a Bitch!" exclaimed the Sister. The Bishop sat silent in disbelief.

The Friar added, "And I prepared the Son of a Bitch, using a special recipe!"

The new Bishop looked around at each of them. Slowly a big smile crept across his face as he said, "You motherfuckers are my kind of people."

 - from Patty Galvin

--
There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black (Mumf note: "African-American for you politically correct pussies!):

1. He called everyone "brother".
2. He liked Gospel.
3. He couldn't get a fair trial.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:

1. He went into His Fathers business.
2. He lived at home until he was 33.
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his mother was sure  he was God.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:

1. He talked with his hands.
2. He had wine with every meal.
3. He used olive oil.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a  Californian:

1. He never cut his hair.
2. He walked around barefoot all the time.
3. He started a new religion.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:

1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.

But the most compelling evidence of all---3 proofs that Jesus was a woman:

1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food.
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it.
3. And even when he was dead, He had to get up because there was more work to do.

Amen!!!

 - from Sue Greene

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