[Rhodes22-list] jokes

[Michael Meltzer]

Nominated for Quote of the Year is the statement made by Texas Congressman
Dick Armey when asked, "If you had been in President Clinton's place
following the Lewinski revelations, would you have resigned?"

Armey's reply: "If I had been in the president's place, I would not have
gotten the chance to resign. I would have been lying in a pool of my own
blood, looking up, and listening to my wife ask, 'How do you reload this son
of a bitch'?"

++
Try this...

While sitting at your desk make clockwise circles with your right foot.

While doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your right hand.

Your foot will change direction.

 - from Sue Greene

--
DOGS LETTERS TO GOD

Dear God,
Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another?

Dear God,
When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it the same old
story?

Dear God,
Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the
colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not ONE named for a dog? How often
do you see a cougar riding around? We dogs love a nice ride! Would it be so
hard to rename the 'Chrysler Eagle' the 'Chrysler Beagle'?

Dear God,
If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he
still a bad dog?

Dear God,
We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles,
horns, clickers, beepers, scent ID's, electromagnetic energy fields, and
Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?

Dear God,
More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.

Dear God,
When we get to the Pearly Gates, do we have to shake hands to get in?

Dear God,
Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?

Dear God,
Let me give you a list of just some of the things I must remember to be a
good dog:
- I will not eat the cats' food before they eat it or after they throw it
up.
- I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just because I like
the way they smell.
- I will not munch on "leftovers" in the kitty litter box; although they are
tasty, they are not food.
- The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.
- The sofa is not a face towel; neither are Mom and Dad's laps.
- The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.
- My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
- I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's
license and registration.
- I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.
- Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is not an acceptable way of saying
'hello.'
- I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the
coffee table.
- I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house.
- I will not throw up in the car.
- I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt across the
carpet.
- I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch when
company is over.
- The cat is not a squeaky toy; so when I play with him and he makes that
noise, it's usually not a good thing.

Dear God,
May I have my testicles back?

 - from Fred Frost

--
My best friend from high school's husband is a writer. Check out his
website. He writes thriller/science fictions and action hero comic books. I
thought you would be interested and maybe would like to check out one of his
books or two.

 www.sniegoski.com

 - from Carol Bagshaw

--
www.worth1000.com

++
USA Today recently had a large article on two Cowboy Churches in Texas. They
printed the Cowboy's Ten Commandments posted on the wall at Cross Trails
Church in Fairlie, Texas. It was too good not to pass along.

Think if we all used these instead of the one with all the "shalt nots" in
it, we could probably understand and live up to them a lot better!

( 1) Just one God.
( 2) Honor yer Ma & Pa.
( 3) No telling tales or gossipin'.
( 4) Git yourself to Sunday meeting.
( 5) Put nothin' before God.
( 6) No foolin' around with another fellow's gal.
( 7) No killin'.
( 8) Watch yer mouth.
( 9) Don't take what ain't yers.
(10) Don't be hankerin' for yer buddy's stuff

 - from Jimi Pocius

--
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