[Rhodes22-list] (no subject)

Steve Alm salm at mn.rr.com
Sat Apr 3 02:13:49 EST 2004


Thanks, Michael.  There's some real killers in there.  8-)

On 4/2/04 9:38 PM, "Michael Meltzer" <mjm at michaelmeltzer.com> wrote:

> A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of
> drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give
> $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness
> back-to-back."
> 
> The room is quiet, and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even
> leaves.
> 
> Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the
> Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks the Irishman.
> 
> The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness.
> Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses, drinking
> them all back-to-back.
> 
> The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan gives
> the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you
> go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"
> 
> The Irishman replies, "Oh... I had to go to the pub down the street to see
> if I could do it first."
> 
> ++
> Irishman finds a Genie lamp and rubs it. Out comes the Genie and asks
> "Master you have released me from the lamp and I grant you three wishes,
> what would you like?"
> 
> Irishman scratches his head, then answers "A bottle of Guinness that never
> gets empty.
> 
> "Granted master" retorted the Genie and produced the bottle. The man was
> delighted and got drunk on this one magic Guinness bottle for weeks then he
> remembered that he had two other wishes. He rubbed the lamp again and the
> Genie appeared.
> 
> "Yes master, you have two more wishes, what would you like?"
> 
> "You know that magic, never-ending Guinness bottle?" he asks the Genie.
> "Well, for my final two wishes, I'd like another two of them."
> 
> ++
> Two Irishmen, Murphy and O'Brian grew up in the same village together. They
> were friends all their lives, married a pair of sisters, and lived just down
> the street from one another. But now, Murphy had cancer, and was lying on
> his deathbed, surrounded by his friends. He calls, "O'Brian, come 'ere
> O'Brian. I 'ave a request for ye."
> 
> O'Brian walks to his friends bedside and kneels down. "O'Brian, we've been
> friends all our lives, and now I'm dying 'ere. I 'ave one last request fir
> ye to do."
> 
> O'Brian bursts into tears, "Anything Murphy, anything ye wish. It's done."
> 
> "Well, under me bed is a box containing a bottle of the finest whiskey in
> all of Ireland. Bottled the year I was born it was. After I die, and they
> plant me in the ground, I want you to pour that fine whiskey over me grave
> so it might soak into me bones and I'll be able to enjoy it for all
> eternity."
> 
> O'Brian was overcome by the beauty and true Irish spirit of his friend's
> request. "Aye, tis a fine thing you ask of me, and I will pour the whiskey.
> But, might I strain it through me kidneys first?"
> 
> - from Kevin Haggerty
> 
> --
> You have two choices in life: you can stay single and be miserable, or get
> married and wish you were dead.
> --------------------------------------------------
> Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You
> order what you want, then when you see what the other person has, you wish
> you had ordered that.
> --------------------------------------------------
> At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your
> wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other women replied, "Yes I am, I
> married the wrong man."
> --------------------------------------------------
> After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I
> married you." She replied, "Yes dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
> 
> --------------------------------------------------
> A lady inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband wanted". Next day she
> received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have
> mine."
> --------------------------------------------------
> The bride, upon getting engaged, went to her mother and said, "I've found a
> man just like father!" Her mother replied, "So what do you want from me,
> sympathy?"
> --------------------------------------------------
> When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her
> keep him.
> --------------------------------------------------
> Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.
> --------------------------------------------------
> Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.
> --------------------------------------------------
> A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get
> married?" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
> --------------------------------------------------
> Young Son: Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know
> his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in every country, son.
> --------------------------------------------------
> Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I
> got married; by then it was too late."
> --------------------------------------------------
> A woman was telling her friend, "It is I who made my husband a
> millionaire." "And what was he before you married him?" asked the friend.
> The woman replied, "A billionaire."
> --------------------------------------------------
> Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. A second marriage
> is the triumph of hope over experience.
> --------------------------------------------------
> If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you
> say, talk in your sleep.
> --------------------------------------------------
> Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking
> they had no faults at all.
> --------------------------------------------------
> You know the honeymoon is pretty much over when you start to go out with the
> boys on Wednesday nights, and so does she.
> --------------------------------------------------
> During a heated spat over finances the husband said, "Well, if you'd learn
> to cook and were willing to clean this place, we could fire the maid." The
> wife, fuming, shot back, "Oh yeah??? Well, if you'd learn how to make love,
> we could fire the chauffeur and the gardener."
> --------------------------------------------------
> Personally, I think one of the greatest things about marriage is that as
> both husband and father, I can say anything I want to around the house. Of
> course, no one pays the least bit of attention.
> --------------------------------------------------
> According to the latest surveys, when making love, most married men
> fantasize that their wives aren't fantasizing.
> --------------------------------------------------
> Husband: Want a quickie? Wife: As opposed to what?
> --------------------------------------------------
> My wife told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two girlfriends.
> --------------------------------------------------
> How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry
> done for free.
> --------------------------------------------------
> The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it
> once.
> --------------------------------------------------
> First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's
> still alive."
> --------------------------------------------------
> Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a
> bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.
> 
> __________________________________________________
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