[Rhodes22-list] jokes

Michael Meltzer mjm at michaelmeltzer.com
Thu Apr 8 00:53:31 EDT 2004


A nurse walks into a bank, preparing to endorse a check.
> > She reaches in her pocket and pulls out a rectal thermometer and tries
to
> write with it. She looks up at the teller, pauses for a moment, then
> realizing her mistake, she says,
> > "Well that's great...... just great.....some asshole's got my pen."

 - from Sue Greene

--
http://www.933flz.com/audio/Knives.mpeg

 - from Sean Casler

--
Little Johnny watched the science teacher start the experiment with the
worms.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars. The first worm was put into
a jar of alcohol. The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke. The
third worm was put into a jar of sperm. The fourth worm was put into a jar
of soil.

After one day, these were the results:

The first worm in alcohol - dead.

Second worm in cigarette smoke - dead.

Third worm in sperm - dead.

Fourth worm in soil - alive.

So the Science teacher asked the class - "What can you learn from this
experiment?"

Little Johnny quickly raised his hand and said, "If you drink, smoke and
have sex, you won't have worms."

 - from Steve Halpin

--
Mattel recently announced the release of Limited Edition Barbie dolls for
the Connecticut market:

Darien Barbie - This princess Barbie is only sold at Neiman's. She comes
with an assortment of Kate Spade handbags, a Lexus SUV, a long-haired dog
named Honey, and a 3500 SF house. Available with or without tummy tuck and
face lift. Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with "augmented" version.

Harwinton Barbie - This modern-day homemaker Barbie is available with Ford
Windstar minivan and matching gym outfit. She gets lost easily and has no
full time occupation or secondary education. Traffic-jamming cell phone
included, headset sold separately.

Bridgeport Barbie - This recently paroled former "Porn Actress" Barbie comes
with a Chevy with dark tinted windows, and a meth-lab kit. This model is
only available after dark and can only be paid for in cash. Preferably
small, untraceable bills. Unless you are a cop, then we don't know what you
are talking about.

West Hartford Barbie - This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW
convertible or Hummer H2. Included are her own Starbucks cup, credit card,
and country club membership. Also available for this set are Shallow Ken and
Private School Skipper. You won't be able to afford any of them.

Bristol Barbie - This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two
sizes too small, a NASCAR shirt, and Tweety Bird tattoo on her shoulder. She
has a six-pack of Coors Light and a Hank Williams, Jr. CD set. She can spit
over 5 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken's ass when she is drunk. Purchase her
pickup truck separately and get a confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely
free.

Glastonbury Barbie - This collagen injected, rhinoplastic Barbie wears a
leopard print bikini outfit and drinks cosmopolitans while entertaining
friends at the McMansion. Percocet prescription available.

Beacon Falls Barbie - This tobacco chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair
of her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased
Beer-Gut Ken out of Bristol Barbie's house. Her ensemble includes low-rise
acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, and a see-through halter top. Also
available with a mobile home.

Woodbury Barbie - This doll is made of actual tofu. She has long straight
brown hair, archless feet, hairy armpits, no makeup, and Birkenstocks with
white socks. She prefers that you call her "Willow." She does not want or
need a Ken doll, but if you purchase two Northampton Barbies and the
optional Subaru wagon, you get a rainbow flag sticker for free.

New Haven Barbie - This Spanish-speaking-only Barbie comes with a 1984
Toyota with expired temporary plates and four baby Barbies in the backseat
(no car seats). The optional Ken doll comes with a paint-bucket lunch pail
and is missing three fingers on his left hand. Green cards are not available
for Hartford Barbie or Ken.

Waterbury Barbie - This Italian Princess Barbie comes with teased black
hair, 12 gold chains, 7 gold bracelets, 8 rings and 1 ankle bracelet.
Included are a permanently attached cell phone and a black Monte Carlo with
ILUVTONY license plates. The accompanying Ken doll has been replaced with a
black haired Tony doll with hairy chest and gel/hairdryer kit. A
camera/cellphone with the Mayor's office on speed-dial is sold separately.

 - from Sue Greene

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