[Rhodes22-list] Joke - The Letters Santa Wants to Write

[brad haslett]

LETTERS TO SANTA

If Santa answered his mail honestly...

  Dear Santa: I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer
Xmas. Iv  ben a gud  boy all yeer.   Yer Frend, BiLLy

  Dear Billy, Nice spelling. You're on your way to a
career in  lawn care. How about I send you a freaking
book so you can learn to read  and write? I'm giving
your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can 
 spell!
  -Santa-

Dear Santa, I have been a good girl all year, and the
only thing  I ask for is peace and joy in the world
for everybody!
 Love, Sarah

 Dear Sarah, Your parents smoked pot when they had
you, didn't  they?
Santa-

  Dear Santa, I don't know if you can do this, but for
 Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get
back together. Please see what you  can do.
 Love, Teddy

 Dear Teddy, Look, your dad's banging the babysitter
like a  screen door  in a hurricane. Do you think he's
gonna give that up to come back  to your  frigid mom,
who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up 
that dream. Let me get you some nice Legos instead.
  -Santa-

 Dear Santa, I want a new bike, a Playstation, a
train, some  G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and
a tuba.
  Love, Francis

  Dear Francis, Who names their kid "Francis"
nowadays? I bet  you're gay.
  -Santa-

 Dear Santa, I left milk and cookies for you under the
tree,  and I left carrots for your reindeer outside
the back door.
Love, Susan

  Dear Susan, Milk gives me the runs and carrots make
the deer  fart in my face when riding in the sleigh.
You want to do me a favor? Leave  me a bottle of
scotch.
  -Santa-

 Dear Santa, What do you do the other 364 days of the
year? Are  you busy making toys?
  Your friend, Thomas

  Dear Thomas, All the toys are made in China. I have
a condo in  Vegas, where I spend most of my time
making low-budget porno films. I  unwind by
 drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of
cocktail waitresses while losing money at the craps
table. Hey, you wanted to know.
  -Santa-

 Dear Santa, Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you
really  know when we're awake, like in the song?
  Love, Jessica


Dear Jessica, Are you really that gullible? Good luck
in  whatever you do.I'm skipping your house.
  -Santa-

  Dear Santa, I really really want a puppy this year.
Please  please please PLEASE PLEASE could I have one?
  Timmy


  Dear Timmy, That whiney begging crap may work with
your folks,  but it doesn't work with me. You're
getting a sweater again.
 -Santa-

  Dearest Santa, We don't have a chimney in our house,
how do you get into home?
  Love, Marky

  Mark, First, stop calling yourself "Marky" that's
why you're getting your ass kicked at school. Second
you don't live in a house, you  live in a low-rent
apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just 
 like all the burglars do, through your bedroom
window.
  Sweet Dreams,
  -Santa-




		
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