[Rhodes22-list] jokes

Michael Meltzer mjm at michaelmeltzer.com
Wed Jun 30 00:04:31 EDT 2004


http://www.happyworker.com/

 - from John Raso

--
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of
natural causes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a
weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the
ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a
replacement.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
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There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Life is sexually transmitted.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, then who is the fool who
said, "Quit while you're ahead?"
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Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use
the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you
still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of
nothing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks
about seeing UFOs like they used to?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to
criticism.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a
substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is
weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to
realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole
box to start a campfire?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
AND THE # 1 THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: You read about all these terrorists ---
most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas,
some for as long as 10 -15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are
two days late with a video and those people are all over you. Let's put
Blockbuster in charge of immigration

 - from Ron Nichols

--


CHICKEN SOUP FOR THE BEER DRINKER

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel shamed. Then I
look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of
their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of
work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is
better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish
and worry about my liver."
~ Jack Handy

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning,
that's as good as they're going to feel all day. "
~Frank Sinatra

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
~ Henny Youngman

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."
~ Stephen Wright

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we
fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven.
Sooooo, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"
~ Brian O'Rourke

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
~ Benjamin Franklin

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer.
Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does
not go nearly as well with pizza."
~ Dave Barry

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
BEER: HELPING UGLY PEOPLE HAVE SEX SINCE 3000 B.C.!!!
~ "Unknown"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Remember "I" before "E", except in Budweiser.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers. One
afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his
buddy Norm. Here's how it went:

"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as
fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest
and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection
is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the
whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.
In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the
slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain
cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first
In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells,
making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always
feel smarter after a few beers."

 - from Patty Galvin

--
A wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the
roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got
out to investigate. He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We do not have money for food," the poor man replied.

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house" the lawyer said.

"Sir, I have a wife and two children with me."

"Bring them along," the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he
stated, "You come with us also."

The second man then, in a pitiful voice said, "Sir, I also have a wife and
we have six children with us!"

"Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as
the limousine. Once underway, one poor fellow turned to the lawyer and said,
"Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You will love my place. The grass is
almost a foot high."

 - from Jimi Pocius



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