[Rhodes22-list] Fw: jump start

[Mark Metzler]

-------Original Message-------
 
From: Allan Scott
Date: 04/18/05 11:38:59
To: Alfred Moye; Allen Silver; Ben Yorkoff; billconnelly; Gregory Sophocleus
 John Burger; joyce couch; Mark Metzler; Susan Scott; Verna Scheeler
Subject: Fw: jump start
 
 
 
----- Original Message -----
From: lct10 at comcast.net
Sent: Monday, April 18, 2005 6:00 AM
To: allanscott9 at msn.com; pfeldstein at bsi-idea.com; JM101263 at aol.com
Subject: FW: jump start
 
 
 
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Subject: jump start 
Date: Sat, 16 Apr 2005 23:44:47 +0000 

                            PARTS OF THE JUMP START THIS WEEK HAVE A KIND OF
RELIGIOUS THEME.  OH WELL, JUST SAY AMEN AS YOU KEEP LAUGHING.
 
 
 
1. The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like
Chinese food so much. The study revealed that this is due to the fact that
Won Ton spelled backward is Not Now.
  
2. There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. In
Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until it graduates from
medical school.
  
3. Q: Why don't Jewish mothers drink? 
   A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering. 
  
4. Q: Have you seen the newest Jewish-American-Princess horror movie? 
   A: It's called "Debbie Does Dishes." 
  
5. Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers? 
  A: They never let anyone finish a sentence. 
  
6. Q: What's a Jewish American Princess's favorite position? 
   A: Facing Bloomingdale's. 
  
7. When the doctor called Mrs. Liebenbaum to tell her that her check came
back, she replied, "So did my arthritis." 
  
8. A man called his mother in Florida, "Mom, how are you?"   "Not too good,"
said the mother. "I've been very weak." 
The son said, "Why are you so weak?"  he said, "Because I haven't eaten in
38 days."   The son said, "That's terrible. Why haven't you  eaten in 38
days?"   The mother answered, "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled
with food if you should call." 
  
9. A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he's been given
a part in the school play. "Wonderful.. What part is it?" The boy says, "I 
play the part of the Jewish husband." The mother scowls and says, "Go back
and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."
  
10. Q: Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife? 
  A: Under the vacuum cleaner. 
  
11. Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb? 
  A: (Sigh) Don't bother. I'll sit in the dark. I don't want to be a
nuisance to anybody. 
  
12. Short summary of every Jewish holiday: They tried to kill us, we won,
let's eat.  
  
13. Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on the
street and said, "Lady I haven't eaten in three days". "Force yourself," she
replied.
  
14. Q: What's the difference between a Rottweiller and a Jewish mother? 
  A: Eventually, the Rottweiller lets go. 
  
15. Jewish telegram: "Begin worrying. Details to  follow." 

============================================================
HEADSTONE HUMOR found on real headstones: 

Harry Edsel Smith of Albany, New York: 
Born 1903-Died 1942 
Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the car was on the way down. It was. 
****************************** 
In a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery: 
Here lies an Atheist 
All dressed up 
And no place to go. 
****************************** 
In a London, England cemetery: 
Here lies Ann Mann, 
Who lived an old maid 
But died an old Mann. 
Dec. 8, 1767 
***************************** 
In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery: 
Anna Wallace: 
The children of Israel wanted bread, 
And the Lord sent them manna. 
Old clerk Wallace wanted a wife, 
And the Devil sent him Anna. 
****************************** 
In a Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery: 
Here lies Johnny Yeast. 
Pardon me 
For not rising. 
****************************** 
In a Uniontown, Pennsylvania, cemetery: 
Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake. 
Stepped on the gas 
Instead of the brake. 
****************************** 
In a Silver City, Nevada, cemetery: 
Here lays The Kid. 
We planted him raw. 
He was quick on the trigger 
But slow on the draw. 
****************************** 
A lawyer's epitaph in England: 
Sir John Strange. 
Here lies an honest lawyer, 
And that is Strange. 
**************************** 
John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne, England, cemetery: 
Reader, if cash thou art 
In want of any, 
Dig 6 feet deep; 
And thou wilt find a Penny. 
***************************** 
In a cemetery in Hartscombe, England: 
On the 22nd of June, 
Jonathan Fiddle 
Went out of tune. 
***************************** 
Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls,Vermont 
Here lies the body of our Anna 
Done to death by a banana. 
It wasn't the fruit that laid her low, 
But the skin of the thing that made her go. 
****************************** 
On a grave from the 1880s in Nantucket, Massachusetts: 
Under the sod and under the trees, 
Lies the body of Jonathan Pease. 
He is not here, there's only the pod. 
Pease shelled out and went to God 
**************************** 
In a cemetery in England: 
Remember man, as you walk by, 
As you are now, so once was I. 
As I am now, you soon will be. 
Prepare yourself and follow me. 
To which someone replied by writing on the tombstone: 
To follow you I'll not consent 
Until I know which way you went 
****************************** 
Last add, from Boot Hill, in Tombstone, Arizona: 
Here lies Lester Moore 
One slug from a 44 
No Les 
No More 

A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken
coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "OK old fart,
time for you to retire." The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you
cannot handle ALL of these chickens.  Look what it has done to me.  Can't
you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?" The young rooster
says, "Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over." The old rooster
says, "I tell you what, young stud.  I will race you around the farmhouse. 
Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop."  The
young rooster laughs.  "You know you don't stand a chance old man. So, just
to be fair I will give you a head start."  The old rooster takes off running
  About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. 
They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed
the gap.  He is already about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining
fast.  The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front
porch when he sees the roosters running by.  He grabs his shotgun and - BOOM
- He blows the young rooster to bits.  The farmer sadly shakes his head and
says, "Dammit...  third gay rooster I bought this month." 

 
Moral of this story....  Don't mess with the OLD FARTS.. 
age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill!
 
Twelve priests were about to be ordained.  The final test was for them to
line up in a straight row, totally bare, in a garden while a sexy and
beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them.
Each priest had a small bell attached to his penis and they were told that
anyone whose bell rang when
she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached
a state of spiritual purity.  The beautiful model danced before the first
candidate, with no reaction.  She proceeded down the line with the same
response from all the priests until she got to the final priest. As she
danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off and fell
clattering to the ground. Embarrassed, the last priest took a few steps
forward, and bent over to pick it up.  Then, all the other bells started to
ring........

 A man sought medical aid because he had popped eyes and a ringing in the
ears.  A doctor looked him over and suggested removal of his tonsils.  The
operation resulted in no improvement, so the patient consulting another
doctor who suggested removal of his teeth.  The teeth were extracted but
still
the man's eye popped and the ringing in his ears continued. A third doctor
told him bluntly, "You've got six months to live."  In that event, the
doomed man decided he'd treat himself right while he could.  He bought a
flashy car, hired a chauffeur, had the best tailor in town make him 30 suits
 Then he decided that even his shirts would be made-to-order.  "Okay," said
the shirt maker, "let's get your measurement.  Hmm, 34 sleeve, 16 collar--" 
"Fifteen" the man said.  "Sixteen collar," the shirt maker repeated,
measuring again. "But I've always worn a 15 collar," said the man.  "Look,"
the shirt maker said, "I'm warning you.  You keep on wearing a 15 collar and
your eyes will pop and you'll have
ringing in your ears."

                                                        "Good Advice - Rules
for Inner Peace"

I am passing this on because it definitely worked for me, and we all could
use more calm in our lives.
By following the simple advice I heard on a Dr. Phil show, I have finally
found inner peace.

Dr. Phil proclaimed "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the
things you've started."
So I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't
finished, and before leaving the
house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of White
Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's, a bottle of Kahlua, a package of Oreos, the
remainder of both Prozac and Valium prescriptions, the rest of the
cheesecake, some saltines and a box of chocolates. You have no idea how good
I feel.

                                         Please pass this on to those you
feel are in need of inner peace!!!

While touring an Indian reservation filming a documentary, Barbara Walters
was puzzled as to why the difference in the number of feathers in the
headdresses. So, she asked a brave who only had one feather in his headdress
and his reply was: "Only have one woman.  One woman, one feather."  Feeling
the first fellow was only joking she asked another brave. This brave had two
feathers in his headdress. And he replied:
"Me have two women.  Two women, two feathers."  Still not convinced the
feathers indicated number of sexual partners involved, she decided to
interview the Chief. Now the Chief had a headdress full of feathers Which,
needless to say amused Ms. Walters.  She asked the Chief, "Why do you have
so many feathers in your 
headdress?"  The Chief proudly pounded his chest and said: "Me Chief, me
sleep with em all. Big, small, fat and tall, me sleep with em all." 
Horrified, Ms. Walters stated, "You ought to be hung."  The Chief said: "You
damn right, me hung, big like buffalo, long like snake."  Ms. Walters cried,
"You don't have to be so hostile."
The Chief replied: "Hoss-style, dog-style, wolf-style, any style...me  sleep
with em all."  With tears in her eyes, Ms. Walters cried, "Oh dear." The
Chief said: "No deer. Ass too high, run too fast.
 
McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time
removing the olives and placing them in a jar.  When the jar was filled with
olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.  "S'cuse
me", said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done, "what
was that all about?" "Nothin', said the Irishman, "my wife just sent me out
for a jar of olives!" 
******************************************************* 
"I've Lost Me Luggage" 
An Irishman arrived at J.F.K.  Airport and wandered around the terminal with
tears streaming down his cheeks.  An airline employee asked him if he was
already homesick.  "No," replied the Irishman "I've lost all me luggage!"   
How'd that happen?"  "The cork fell out!" said the Irishman. 
***************************************************** 
"Water to Wine" 

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in
Connecticut.  The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and
then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.  He says, "Sir, have
you been drinking?"   "Just water," says the priest.   The trooper says, 
Then why do I smell wine?" 
The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord!  He's done it again!" 
*********************************************** 
"The Brothel" 
Two Irishmen were sitting at a pub having beer and watching the brothel
across the street.  They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and
one of them said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad." 
Then they saw a rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said, "Aye, 
tis a shame to see that the Jews are fallin' victim to temptation as well." 
 Then they see a catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the Irishmen
said, "What a terrible pity...one of the girls must be dying. 
************************************* 
Irish Cemetery 
Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Seamus, were stumbling home from the pub
late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old
graveyard..  "Come have a look over here," says Paddy, "It's Michael O'Grady
s grave, God bless his soul.  He lived to the ripe old age of 87."  "That's
nothing," says Sean, "here's one named Patrick O'Toole, it says here that he
was 95 when he died."!   Just then, Seamus yells out, "Good God, here's a
fella that got to be 145!"  "What was his name?" asks Paddy.  Seamus
stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else is written
on the stone marker, and exclaims,  "Miles, from Dublin." 
*************************************************** 
Irish Predicament 
Drunk Ole Mulvihill (From the Northern Irish Clan) staggers into a Catholic
Church, enters a confessional box, sits down but says nothing.   The Priest
coughs a few times to get his attention but the Ole just sits there. 
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.   The drunk mumbles, 
ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either." 
*************************************************** 
Irish Last Request 
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady's after his Sunday morning service,
and she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"   She
says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news.  My husband passed away last
night."  The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible.  Tell me, did he have
any last requests?"  She says, "That he did, Father..."   The priest says, 
What did he ask, Mary?"   She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that
damn gun!' 
 
The Internal Revenue Service sent their auditor to a synagogue. The auditor
is doing all the checks and then turns to the Rabbi, and says, "I noticed
that you buy a lot of candles." "Yes," answered the Rabbi.  "Well, Rabbi,
what do you do with the candle drippings?" he asked. "A good question,"
noted the Rabbi. "We actually save them up and when we have enough, we send
them back to the candle maker and every now and then, they send us a free
box of candles."   "Oh," replied the auditor somewhat disappointed that his
unusual question actually had a practical answer. So he thought he'd go on,
in his obnoxious way... "Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases? What
do you do with the crumbs from the matzo?"   "Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi
calmly, "we actually collect up all the crumbs from the matzo and when we
have enough, we send them in a box back to the manufacturer and every now
and then, they send a box of matzo balls."   "Oh," replied the auditor,
thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do
you do with all the foreskins from the circumcisions?"  "Yes, here too, we
do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins,
and when we have enough we send them to the IRS ".   " The IRS?" questioned
the auditor in disbelief.   "Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, "The IRS ...and
then every few years, they send us a little prick to harass us."
 
 
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