[Rhodes22-list] Music Humor - I think

Steve Alm salm at mn.rr.com
Tue Feb 8 23:24:36 EST 2005


This would be funny if it weren't so damn true:

MUSICIANS ARE EXPERT MIND READERS

When requesting a song from the band, just say "play my song!"  We have a
chip implanted in our heads with an unlimited database with the favorite
tunes of every patron who ever walked into a bar &  all songs ever recorded,
so feel free to be vague, we love the challenge.

If we do not remember exactly what tune you want, we're only kidding.
Bands know every song ever recorded, so keep humming. Hum harder if need be
... it helps jog the memory.

If a band tells you they do not know a song you want to hear, they either
forgot that they know the tune or they are just putting you on.  Try singing
a few words for the band. Any words will do.

It also helps to scream your request from across the room several times per
set followed by the phrases, "AW COME ON!" and, "YOU SUCK!"  Exaggerated
hand gestures expressing disapproval from the dance floor are a big help as
well, such as the thumbs down or your middle finger. Put-downs are the best
way to jog a band's memory.  This instantly promotes you to the  status of
"Personal Friend Of The Band."

Entertainers are notorious fakers & jokesters and never really prepare for
their shows.  They simply walk on stage with no prior thought to what they
will do once they arrive.  An entertainer's job is so easy, even  a monkey
could do it, so don't let them off the hook easily.  Your request is all
that matters.

If a metal band had played at the club a few weeks ago, the next band that
follows will automatically know every metal tune the previous band ever
played, even if the current band  is a blues or country band. It's the law.
Feel free to yell AC DC or SLAYER!! to a band that plays strictly originals
or jazz for example. Conversely, Deadheads may yell for Grateful Dead tunes
at a dance or metal band.


IMPORTANT

When an entertainer leans over to hear you better, grab his or her head in
both hands and yell directly into their ear, while holding their head
securely so they cannot pull away.
This will be taken as an invitation to a friendly & playful game of tug of
war between their head and your hands.

Don't give up! Hang on until the singer or guitar player submits. Drummers
are often safe from this fun game since they usually sit in the back,
protected by the guitar players.
Keyboard players are protected by their instrument, & only play the game
when tricked into coming out from behind their keyboards. Though difficult
to get them play, it's not impossible, so keep trying. They're especially
vulnerable during the break between songs.


TALKING WITH THE BAND

The best time to discuss anything with the band in any meaningful way is at
the middle of a song when all band members are singing at the same time.
Our hearing is so advanced that we can pick out your tiny voice from the
megawatt wall of sound blasting all around us. Musicians are expert lip
readers too.  If a musician does not reply to your question or comment
during a tune, it's because they didn't get a good look at your mouth in
order to read your lips.

Simply continue to scream your request & be sure to over emphasize the words
with your lips. This helps immensely.
Don't be fooled.

Singers have the innate ability to answer questions & sing at the same time.
If the singer doesn't answer your questions immediately, regardless of how
stupid the question may seem, it's because they are purposely ignoring you.
If this happens, immediately cop an attitude. We love this.


HELPING THE BAND

If you inform the band that you are a singer, the band will appreciate your
help with the next few tunes, or however long you can remain standing on
stage.  Just pretend you're in a Karaoke bar. Simply feel free to walk up on
stage & join in. By the way, the drunker you are, the better you sound, &
the louder you should sing.

If by chance you fall off the  stage, be sure to crawl back up & attempt to
sing harmony.  Keep in mind that nothing assists the band more than
outrageous dancing, third & fourth part harmonies, or a tambourine played
out of tempo.
Try the cow bell, they love the challenge. The band always needs the help &
will take this as a compliment.


VERY IMPORTANT

Remember to allow enough time to make it from the stage to the bathroom in
case of an emergency.  On stage accidents are bad form. The band will carry
on.


BONUS TIP

As a last resort, wait until the band takes a break and then get on stage
and start playing their instruments.  They love this. Even if you are
ejected from the club, you can rest assured in the fact that you have
successfully completed your audition.  The band will call you immediately
the following day to offer you a position.


See you at the next gig ...
The Band








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