[Rhodes22-list] Music Humor - I think

Wed Feb 9 17:52:54 EST 2005

Steve,

While I'm traveling down memory lane, your post reminded me of when I used
to play in a local blues band. One Wednesday night we were playing for the
gate at this dive in Roanoke. We had a friend watching the door for us when
this big guy named "Heavy" came up to him and said "I'd better check this
with you or I might get into trouble" and handed him a 45 automatic. This
place was amazing. At one point the bartender lit up a joint behind the bar.
There was this one guy there who kept yelling "Black Flag! Black Flag!". Our
rhythm guitarist finally got him to shut up by betting him he could stand on
his head and drink a beer - which he did. The guy started yelling again
after and Heavy and some of his friends showed him the door, none too
gently. We found out later that the there was a shootout in the parking lot
the Friday after we played - I don't know if Heavy was involved or not.
Years later I was talking to one of my neighbors who was in corrections and
he told me this place had a reputation among law enforcement as a good place
to check for escapees from the city jail. 

Mark Kaynor

-----Original Message-----
From: rhodes22-list-bounces at rhodes22.org
[mailto:rhodes22-list-bounces at rhodes22.org] On Behalf Of Steve Alm
Sent: Wednesday, February 09, 2005 5:26 PM
To: Rhodes
Subject: Re: [Rhodes22-list] Music Humor - I think

Rummy, you're welcome.  See ya there.
Brad, you'd fit right in too.
Ed,  no, that's not a bad night.  It's EVERY night!   8-)
Slim

On 2/9/05 5:39 AM, "brad haslett" <flybrad at yahoo.com> wrote:

> Well Slim, I have just one thing to say about that.
> 
> 
> FREEBIRD!
> 
> 
> (come on man, I'm holding my lighter up in a hotel
> room)
> 
> Brad
> 
> 
> --- Steve Alm <salm at mn.rr.com> wrote:
> 
>> This would be funny if it weren't so damn true:
>> 
>> MUSICIANS ARE EXPERT MIND READERS
>> 
>> When requesting a song from the band, just say "play my song!"  We 
>> have a chip implanted in our heads with an unlimited database with 
>> the favorite tunes of every patron who ever walked into a bar & all 
>> songs ever recorded, so feel free to be vague, we love the challenge.
>> 
>> If we do not remember exactly what tune you want, we're only kidding.
>> Bands know every song ever recorded, so keep humming. Hum harder if 
>> need be ... it helps jog the memory.
>> 
>> If a band tells you they do not know a song you want to hear, they 
>> either forgot that they know the tune or they are just putting you 
>> on.  Try singing a few words for the band. Any words will do.
>> 
>> It also helps to scream your request from across the room several 
>> times per set followed by the phrases, "AW COME ON!" and, "YOU SUCK!"  
>> Exaggerated hand gestures expressing disapproval from the dance floor 
>> are a big help as well, such as the thumbs down or your middle 
>> finger.
>> Put-downs are the best
>> way to jog a band's memory.  This instantly promotes you to the  
>> status of "Personal Friend Of The Band."
>> 
>> Entertainers are notorious fakers & jokesters and never really 
>> prepare for their shows.  They simply walk on stage with no prior 
>> thought to what they will do once they arrive.  An entertainer's job 
>> is so easy, even  a monkey could do it, so don't let them off the 
>> hook easily.
>> Your request is all
>> that matters.
>> 
>> If a metal band had played at the club a few weeks ago, the next band 
>> that follows will automatically know every metal tune the previous 
>> band ever played, even if the current band  is a blues or country 
>> band. It's the law.
>> Feel free to yell AC DC or SLAYER!! to a band that plays strictly 
>> originals or jazz for example. Conversely, Deadheads may yell for 
>> Grateful Dead tunes at a dance or metal band.
>> 
>> 
>> IMPORTANT
>> 
>> When an entertainer leans over to hear you better, grab his or her 
>> head in both hands and yell directly into their ear, while holding 
>> their head securely so they cannot pull away.
>> This will be taken as an invitation to a friendly & playful game of 
>> tug of war between their head and your hands.
>> 
>> Don't give up! Hang on until the singer or guitar player submits. 
>> Drummers are often safe from this fun game since they usually sit in 
>> the back, protected by the guitar players.
>> Keyboard players are protected by their instrument, & only play the 
>> game when tricked into coming out from behind their keyboards. Though 
>> difficult to get them play, it's not impossible, so keep trying. 
>> They're especially vulnerable during the break between songs.
>> 
>> 
>> TALKING WITH THE BAND
>> 
>> The best time to discuss anything with the band in any meaningful way 
>> is at the middle of a song when all band members are singing at the 
>> same time.
>> Our hearing is so advanced that we can pick out your tiny voice from 
>> the megawatt wall of sound blasting all around us.
>> Musicians are expert lip
>> readers too.  If a musician does not reply to your question or 
>> comment during a tune, it's because they didn't get a good look at 
>> your mouth in order to read your lips.
>> 
>> Simply continue to scream your request & be sure to over emphasize 
>> the words with your lips. This helps immensely.
>> Don't be fooled.
>> 
>> Singers have the innate ability to answer questions & sing at the 
>> same time.
>> If the singer doesn't answer your questions immediately, regardless 
>> of how stupid the question may seem, it's because they are purposely 
>> ignoring you.
>> If this happens, immediately cop an attitude. We love this.
>> 
>> 
>> HELPING THE BAND
>> 
>> If you inform the band that you are a singer, the band will 
>> appreciate your help with the next few tunes, or however long you can 
>> remain standing on stage.  Just pretend you're in a Karaoke bar. 
>> Simply feel free to walk up on stage & join in. By the way, the 
>> drunker you are, the better you sound, & the louder you should sing.
>> 
>> If by chance you fall off the  stage, be sure to crawl back up & 
>> attempt to sing harmony.  Keep in mind that nothing assists the band 
>> more than outrageous dancing, third & fourth part harmonies, or a 
>> tambourine played out of tempo.
>> Try the cow bell, they love the challenge. The band always needs the 
>> help & will take this as a compliment.
>> 
>> 
>> VERY IMPORTANT
>> 
>> Remember to allow enough time to make it from the stage to the 
>> bathroom in case of an emergency.  On stage accidents are bad form. 
>> The band will carry on.
>> 
>> 
>> BONUS TIP
>> 
>> As a last resort, wait until the band takes a break
>> and then get on stage
>> and start playing their instruments.  They love
>> this. Even if you are
>> ejected from the club, you can rest assured in the
>> fact that you have
>> successfully completed your audition.  The band will
>> call you immediately
>> the following day to offer you a position.
>> 
>> 
>> See you at the next gig ...
>> The Band
>> 
>> 
>> 
>> 
>> 
>> 
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> 
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