[Rhodes22-list] jokes 5

michael meltzer michaelmeltzer at yahoo.com
Mon Nov 21 18:35:37 EST 2005


If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright,
he's the famous
comedian who said: "I woke up one morning and all of
my stuff had been
stolen and replaced by exact duplicates". His mind
sees things 
differently
than we do, to our amazement and amusement. Here are
some more of his 
gems:

 1- I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
 2- Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect
it back.
 3- Half the people you know are below average.
 4- 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
 5- 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
 6- A conscience is what hurts when all your other
parts feel so good.
 7- A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad
memory.
 8- If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the
rain.
 9- All those who believe in psycho-kinesis, raise my
hand.
10- The early bird may get the worm, but the second
mouse gets the 
cheese.
11- I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me
before we met.
12- OK, so what's the speed of dark?
13- How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
14- If everything seems to be going well, you have
obviously overlooked
something.
15- Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16- When everything is coming your way, you're in the
wrong lane.
17- Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough
sense to avoid 
work.
18- Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays
off now.
19- I intend to live forever -- so far, so good.
20- If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy
her friends?
21- Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into
jet engines.
22- What happens if you get scared half to death
twice?
23- My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your
brakes, so I made your 
horn
louder."
24- Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
25- If at first you don't succeed, destroy all
evidence that you tried.
26- A conclusion is the place where you got tired of
thinking.
27- Experience is something you don't get until just
after you need it.
28- The hardness of the butter is proportional to the
softness of the 
bread.
29- To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to
steal from many is
research.
30- The problem with the gene pool is that there is no
lifeguard.
31- The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll
have to catch up.
32- The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body
is required to be 
on
it.
33- Everyone has a photographic memory, some just
don't have film.




	
		
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