[Rhodes22-list] health and jokes

[Claude Cox]

good health tip Michael, thanks. As one who is soon to celebrate a "speed
limit" birthday, I especially liked the aging jokes.

Claude


> [Original Message]
> From: Michel Meltzer <mjm at michaelmeltzer.com>
> To: <rhodes22-list at rhodes22.org>
> Date: 3/18/2006 11:26:45 AM
> Subject: [Rhodes22-list] health and jokes
>
> During a BBQ a friend stumbled and took a little fall - she assured
> everyone that she was fine (they offered to call paramedics) and just
> tripped over a brick because of her new shoes. They got her cleaned up
> and got her a new plate of food - while she appeared a bit shaken up,
> Ingrid went about enjoying herself the rest of the evening. Ingrid's
> husband called later telling everyone that his wife had been taken to
> the hospital - (at 6:00pm, Ingrid passed away.) She had suffered a
> stroke at the BBQ - had they known how to identify the signs of a stroke
> perhaps Ingrid would be with us today.
>  
> It only takes a minute to read this- ----- A neurologist says that if he
> can get to a stroke victim within 3 hours he can totally reverse the
> effects of a stroke...totally. He said the trick was getting a stroke
> recognized, diagnosed and getting to the patient within 3 hours, which
> is tough.
>  
> RECOGNIZING A STROKE 3 steps. Read and Learn! Sometimes symptoms of a
> stroke are difficult to identify. Unfortunately, the lack of awareness
> spells disaster. The stroke victim may suffer brain damage when people
> nearby fail to recognize the symptoms of a stroke. Now doctors say a
> bystander can recognize a stroke by asking three simple questions:
>  
> 1. Ask the individual to SMILE.
> 2. Ask him or her to RAISE BOTH ARMS.
> 3. Ask the person to SPEAK A SIMPLE SENTENCE (Coherently) (i.e. . . It
> is sunny out today)
>  
> If he or she has trouble with any of these tasks, call 9-1-1 immediately
> and describe the symptoms to the dispatcher. After discovering that a
> group of non-medical volunteers could identify facial weakness, arm
> weakness and speech problems, researchers urged the general public to
> learn the three questions. They presented their conclusions at the
> American Stroke Association's (Mumf note: I should belong to the ".
> Stroke Association"!) annual meeting last February. Widespread use of
> this test could result in prompt diagnosis and treatment of the stroke
> and prevent brain damage.
>
> -----------
>
>
>
>
> A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced ten
> husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be
> gentle; I'm still a virgin."
>
> "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married
> ten times?"
>
> "Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how
> great it was going to be. Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was
> never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look
> into it and get back to me. Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said
> everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the
> system up. Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had
> the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver. Husband #5
> was an Engineer, he understood the basic process but wanted three years
> to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
>  
> "Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how, but he
> wasn't sure whether it was his job or not. Husband #7 was in Marketing;
> although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it. Husband
> #8 was a psychiatrist; all he ever did was talk about it. Husband #9 was
> a gynecologist; all he did was look. Husband #10 was a stamp collector;
> all he ever did was.... God, I miss him!"
>  
> "But now that I've married you, I'm so excited!"
>
> "Wonderful," said the husband, "but, why?"
>
> "You're with the Government.... This time I KNOW I'm gonna get
> screwed!!!" 
>  
>
> --
> An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car
> has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to
> the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the
> brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried.
>  
> The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way."
>  
> A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard.", He says. "She
> got in the back-seat by mistake."
>  
> __________________________________________
> FAMILY
> Three sisters age! s 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night
> the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells
> to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?" The 94 year
> old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the
> stairs and pauses. "Was I going up the stairs or down?" The 92 year old
> is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She
> shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful,
> knocking on wood." She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as
> soon as I see who's at the door."
> _______________________________________________
> "I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!"
> Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine
> March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?" "No," the
> second man replied, ! "it's Thursday." And the third man chimed in, "So
> am I. Let's have a beer."
> ___________________________________________
> WHAT A CHOICE
> A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home.
> As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say,
> "Supersex." She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping
> her gown at him, she said, "Supersex." He sat silently for a moment or
> two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."
> ____________________________________________
> OLD FRIENDS
> Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years,
> they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their
> activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
> One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said,
> "Now don't get mad at me . I know we've been friends for a long time,
> but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I
> can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared
> at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her.
> Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
> _____________________________________________
> SENIOR DRIVING
> As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
> Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I
> just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on
> Interstate 77. Please be careful!" "Hell," said Herman, "It's not just
> one car. It's hundreds of them!"
> ______________________________________________
> DRIVING
> Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, both could barely see
> over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an
> intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The
> woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I
> could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more
> minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again.
> Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was
> almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that
> she was losing it. She was getting nervous. At the next intersection,
> sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned
> to the other woman and said, "Mildred, do you know that we just ran
> through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"
> Mildred turned to her and said, "Crap, am I driving?"
>  
>
>  
> --
>  1. When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim
> during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would-be robber James Elliot
> did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel
> and tried the trigger again. This time it worked
>  
>  2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting
> machine and, after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his
> insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its
> men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a
> finger. The chef's claim was approved.
>  
>  3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car
> during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman
> had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.
>
>  4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver
> found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting
> from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his
> incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone
> waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to mental
> hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and
> prone to bizarre fantasies The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.
>  
>  5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious
> head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received
> the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how
> close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.
>  
>  6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the
> counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, he
> man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the
> clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled,
> leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got
> from the drawer...$15. (If someone points a gun at you and gives you
> money, is a crime committed?)
>  
>  7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that
> he'd just throw a cinderblock through a liquor store window, grab some
> booze, and run. So he lifted the cinderblock and heaved it over his head
> at the window. The cinderblock bounced back and hit the would-be thief
> on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made
> of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape. (Mumf note: I've
> actually sent the video of this around in the past)
>  
>  8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man
> grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the
> woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher.
> Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the
> car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car
> and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes,
> officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."
>  
>  9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a
> Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 a.m., flashed a gun, and
> demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't
> open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion
> rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man,
> frustrated, walked away.
>  
> 10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on
> a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived
> at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near
> spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying
> to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's
> sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press
> charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.
>
>
>
> __________________________________________________
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