[Rhodes22-list] Tool definitions

[R22RumRunner at aol.com]

These are things you know how to use but never knew they had perfect  
definitions.
> 
> 
> DRILL PRESS:
> A tall upright  machine useful for suddenly snatching
> flat metal bar stock out of your  hands so that it smacks
> you in the chest and flings your beer across the  room,
> splattering it against that freshly stained heirloom
> piece  you were drying.
> 
> WIRE WHEEL:

> Cleans paint off bolts  and then throws them somewhere
> under the workbench at the speed of  light. Also removes
> fingerprints and hard-earned guitar calluses  from
> fingers in about the time it takes you to say.....
> "Oh  sh--!!!"
> 
> ELECTRIC HAND DRILL:
> Normally used for  spinning pop rivets in their holes
> until you die of old age.
>  
> SKILL SAW:
> A portable cutting tool used to make studs too  short.
> 
> PLIERS:
> Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes  used in the
> creation of blood-blisters.< BR>
> NOTE: Most  often the tool used by all women.
> 
> BELT SANDER:
> An  electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor
> touchup jobs into  major refinishing projects.
> 
> HACKSAW:
> One of a family of  cutting tools built on the Ouija
> Board principle. It transforms human  energy into a
> crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you  attempt
> to influence its course, the more dismal your future
>  becomes.
> 
> VISE-GRIPS:
> Generally used after pliers to  completely round off
> bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can  also
> be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of
>  your hand.
> 
> WELDING GLOVES:
> Heavy duty leather gloves  used to prolong the conductor
> of intense welding heat to the palm of  your hand.
> 
> OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
> Used almost entirely for  lighting various flammable
> objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for  igniting
> the grease inside the wheel hub you want the race out  of.
> 
> WHITWORTH SOCKET S: 
> Once used for working on older  British cars and
> motorcycles, they are now used mainly for  impersonating
> that 9/16 or socket you've been searching for the  last
> 45 minutes.
> 
> TABLE SAW:
> A large stationary  power tool commonly used to launch
> wood projectiles for testing wall  integrity and operator
> reflexes/dodging capabilities.
> 
>  HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:
> Used for lowering an automobile to the ground  after you
> have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack
>  handle firmly under the bumper.
> 
> EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE  2X4:
> Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped
>  hydraulic jack handle.
> 
> TWEEZERS:
> A tool for removing  all types of wood splinters (see
> EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4) and  wire wheel debris.
> 
> E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR:
> A  tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that
> snaps neatly off in  bolt holes thereby ending any
> possible future use.
> 
>  RADIAL ARM SAW:
> A large stationary power saw primarily used by most  shops
> to scare beginners into choosing another line of work.
>  
> TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:
> A tool for testing the maximum tensile  strength of
> everything you forgot to disconnect.
> 
>  CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER:
> A very large pry bar that  inexplicably has an accurately
> machined screwdriver tip on the end  opposite the handle.
> 
> AVIATION METAL SNIPS:
> See  hacksaw.
> 
> TROUBLE LIGHT:
> The home mechanic's own tanning  booth. Sometimes called
> a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D  (the
> sunshine vitamin), which is not otherwise found under
> cars  at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose
> is to consume 40-watt  light bulbs at about the same rate
> that 105 mm howitzer shells might be  used during, say,
> the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge.  More
> often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.
>  
> PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
> Normally used to stab the vacuum s eals  under lids and
> for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and 
>  splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as
> the name implies,  to strip out Phillips screw heads.
> 
> NOTE: Women excel at using  this tool.
> 
> STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:
> A tool for opening  paint cans. Sometimes used to convert
> common slotted screws into  non-removable screws.
> 
> AIR COMPRESSOR:
> A machine that  takes energy produced in a coal-burning
> power plant 200 miles away and  transforms it into
> compressed air that travels by hose to a  Chicago
> Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusted bolts which
>  were last over tightened 30 years ago by someone at Ford,
> and instantly  rounds off their heads. Also used to quickly
> snap off lug nuts.
>  
> PRY BAR:
> A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that  clip
> or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a
> 50  cent part.
> 
> HOSE CUTTER:
> A tool used to make hoses too  short.
> 
> HAMMER:
> Originally employed as a weapon of war,  the hammer
> nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate
>  the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are
> trying to  hit.
> 
> NOTE: Women primarily use it to make gaping holes  in
> walls when hanging pictures.
> 
> MECHANIC'S  KNIFE:
> Used to open and slice through the contents of
> cardboard  cartons delivered to your front door; works
> particularly well on  contents such as seats, vinyl
> records, liquids in plastic bottles,  collector
> magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts.
>  
> NOTE: Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but
> only  while in use.
> 
> DAMMIT TOOL:
> Any handy tool that you grab  and throw across the
> garage while yelling "DAMMIT!!" at the top of  your
> lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you
> will  need.




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