[Rhodes22-list] Best of 2007

[Brad Haslett]

OK boys and girls, I'm waiting for Fan to come home so we can sneak out on
parenthood to go see "Charlie Wilson's War". Read the book - expect to be
entertained by the movie. The Grateful Dead song "What A Long Strange Trip
Its Been" still describes life best!  What really happened in 2007?  I was
busy with other things and didn't pay attention.  Brad

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* Will Durst is a political comedian who has performed around the world. He
is a familiar pundit on television and radio.*

SPECIAL EDITOR's NOTE: We are editing out one reference to Pakistan since it
was written before the events there. It is NOT a tasteless comment but it
probably would not have gone into this excellent piece if it had been
written after events there.

*The Top Ten Comedic News Stories of 2007 *

*Raging Moderate, by Will Durst*

Okay. Just so you know: the Top Ten Comedic News Stories of the Year are as
different from the Top Ten Legitimate News Stories of the Year as Peppermint
Mini Marshmallow Froot Loops are from porridge.

For instan: Subprime mortgage crisis? Yeah, right. Rusty nail through the
bottom of your Reeboks funny. Myanmar, Virginia Tech, you see my point. So
let's go my route. Here are the stories of '07 that were the most
lampoonable.
*
10. Jimmy Carter called President Bush the "worst president ever." *And by
the very nature of that statement, that would have to include… Jimmy Carter.
"Worst President Ever," by Jimmy Carter. That can't be good. Like having
your drug intervention hosted by Lindsay Lohan.

*9. David Petraeus, the Surgin' General, said Iraq looks more and more like
America every day.* Apparently they want us out of there too. Claims the
government is paralyzed by petty partisan squabbling, so maybe they are
getting the hang of a western-style democracy.

*8. Hillary Clinton asked the public to help pick her official campaign
song.* Here are some additional suggestions. "The Theme from Shaft." "It's
Too Late, Baby." "Devil with a Blue Dress." "She's Cold as Ice." "The Bitch
is Back."
*
7. Mahmoud Ahmadinejad demonstrated the concept of free speech in
America.*Both he and Bush at the United Nations on the same day. Think
of it: a
religious fanatic who sponsors secret prisons and has antagonized the whole
world and an Iranian, both addressing the General Assembly.

*6. Rudy Giuliani tried to espouse traditional family values on the campaign
trail.* And the fact that he's had three wives just means he's
extra-traditional. The Christian Coalition threatened to form a third party
if Rudy Giuliani becomes the Republican nominee. Wonder what they'll call
it? Too bad "the Taliban" is already taken.

*5. Karl Rove and Attorney General Alberto Gonzales both resigned.* I'm
thinking the only reason he kept supporting Gonzales is because "Attorney
General" and "Alberto Gonzales" both start with AG, and it was the only way
he could remember who was filling the position. Like a mnemonic device. Karl
Rove: proof positive that the Devil and the Pillsbury Dough Boy had more
than a passing acquaintance.
*
4. Mitt Romney tried to run a perfect campaign.* Looks like he's been dipped
in a polyurethane bath. Flip-flopped so much he's in danger of triggering a
Stage-Four John Kerry Alert. His campaign ads should close with, "I'm Mitt
Romney, and I both approve and disapprove of this ad."

*3. Paris Hilton was offered community service, but the community
declined.*Q. What's the difference between Paris Hilton and Scooter
Libby? A. 23 days.
*
2. Dick Cheney's Chief of Staff Scooter Libby was fined a quarter million
dollars which was paid for by the Scooter Libby Defense Fund, which you and
I know as… Halliburton. *His 30-month sentence was then commuted by
President Bush, who apparently is not just the Decider, he's also the
Commuter.

*1. Idaho Republican Senator Larry Craig isn't gay and didn't quit.* He may
be homosexual, but he is so not gay. Like a Rorschach blot of not gay. Said
he was entrapped. Cop must have worn some fetching footwear. Italian design,
really shiny and the laces were perfect. Should have gone with the Restless
Leg Syndrome defense.

Political comic Will Durst expects an even better list in 2008.