[Rhodes22-list] Merry Christmas Honey!!! (Humor.....I guess?)

[stan]

OK Rummy, my 30 day New Year's resolution:   As long as you are on the List 
I will not try and write funny again.

stan

----- Original Message ----- 
From: <R22RumRunner at aol.com>
To: <rhodes22-list at rhodes22.org>
Sent: Saturday, December 30, 2006 9:46 PM
Subject: [Rhodes22-list] Merry Christmas Honey!!! (Humor.....I guess?)


>
>
>>
>>
>>  Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol& Pawn Shop that sparked 
>> my
>> interest. I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Toni.
>> What I came across was a100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The
>> effects of the taser were suppose to be short lived, with no long-term
>> adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat 
>> to
>> safety....  WAY TOO COOL!
>>
>> Long story short, I  bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two
>> triple-a batteries  in the darn thing and pushed the button.  Nothing!  I
>> was  disappointed.
>> I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND  pressed it against a
>> metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue  arch of electricity
>> darting back and forth between the prongs.  Awesome!!!  Unfortunately, I
>> have yet to explain to Toni what that  burn spot is on the face of her
>> microwave.
>>
>> Okay, so I  was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
>> couldn't  be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, right?
>> There I sat in  my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting
>> little soul)  while I was reading the directions and thinking that I 
>> really
>> needed to  try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must
>> admit I  thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and
>> thought  better of it. She is such a sweet cat.
>> But, if I was going to give   this thing to my wife to protect herself
>> against a mugger, I did want  some assurance that it would work as
>> advertised.  Am I  wrong?
>>
>> So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with  my reading 
>> glasses
>> perched delicately on the bridge of my nose,  directions in one hand, 
>> taser
>> in another. The directions said that a  one-second burst would shock and
>> disorient your assailant; a two-second  burst was supposed to cause 
>> muscle
>> spasms and a major loss of bodily  control; a three-second burst would
>> purportedly make your assailant  flop on the ground like a fish out of
>> water. Any burst longer than  three seconds would be wasting the 
>> batteries.
>>
>> All the while I'm  looking at this littledevice measuring about 5" long,
>> less than 3/4  inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with
>> two itsy,  bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible 
>> way!"
>> What  happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my 
>> best.....
>>
>> I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her  head cocked to one
>> side as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that  a one-second burst
>> from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all  that bad..
>>
>> I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for  the heck of it. I
>> touched the  prongs to my naked thigh, pushed  the button, and HOLY 
>> MOTHER,
>> WEAPONS OF MASS _+!@$$!%_ (mailto:+!@$$!) !@* DESTRUCTION.  I'm pretty 
>> sure
> Jessie Ventura
>> ran in through the side door, picked me up in the  recliner, then body
>> slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and  over again.  I vaguely
>> recall waking up on my side in the fetal  position, with tears in my 
>> eyes,
>> body soaking
>> wet, both nipples  on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left 
>> arm
>> tucked under  my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. 
>> The
>> cat  was standing over me  making meowing sounds I had never heard 
>> before,
>> licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again,do it
>> again!"
>>
>> Note: If you ever feel compelled to  "mug"yourself with a taser, one note
>> of caution: there is no such thing  as a one-second burst when you zap
>> yourself.
>> You will not let  go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand 
>> by
>> a violent  thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be
>> considered  conservative.  SON-OF-A-.. that hurt like hell!!! A minute or
>> so  later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point),
>>  collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the
>>  landscape.
>>
>> My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the  fireplace. How did 
>> they
>> up get there???
>>
>> My triceps,  right thigh and both nipples werestill twitching. My face 
>> felt
>> like it  had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 
>> lbs.
>>
>> I'm still looking for my testicles. I'm offering a  significant reward 
>> for
>> their safe return.
>
>
> __________________________________________________
> Use Rhodes22-list at rhodes22.org, Help? www.rhodes22.org/list
>