[Rhodes22-list] [HUMOR] Dealing with your bank

[John Lock]

Don't know if this is true, but it's entertaining reading anyway -

An actual letter that was sent to a bank by an 86 year old woman. The 
bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the 
New York Times.

Dear Sir:
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I 
endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three 
nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and 
the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it.

I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire 
pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only 
eight years.

You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, 
and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the 
inconvenience caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has 
caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.

I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and 
letters, --- when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the 
impersonal, over- charging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your 
bank has become.

 From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood 
person. My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter 
no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, 
addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank 
whom you must nominate.

Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other 
person to open such an envelope.

Please find attached an Application Contact which I require your 
chosen employee to complete.

I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much 
about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.

Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be 
countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of 
his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) 
must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a 
PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me.

I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have 
modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access 
my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation 
is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further.

When you call me, press buttons as follows:
# 1. To make an appointment to see me
# 2. To query a missing payment.
# 3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
# 4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
# 5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
# 6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home
# 7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my 
computer is required. Password will be communicated to you at a later 
date to that Authorized Contact mentioned earlier.
# 8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.
# 9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be 
put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.

While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music 
will play for the duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an 
establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement. 
May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?

Your Humble Client

(Remember: This was written by a 86 year old woman)




John Lock
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s/v Pandion - '79 Rhodes 22
Lake Sinclair, GA
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