[Rhodes22-list] jokes

[Brad Haslett]

There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:
1. He called everyone brother.
2. He liked Gospel.
3. He didn't get a fair trial.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:
1. He went into His Father's business.
2. He lived at home until he was 33.
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin
and his Mother was sure He was God.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:
1. He talked with His hands.
2. He had wine with His meals.
3. He used olive oil.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:
1. He never cut His hair.
2. He walked around barefoot all the time.
3. He started a new religion.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an American Indian:
1. He was at peace with nature.
2. He ate a lot of fish.
3.  He talked about the Great Spirit.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:
1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.

But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus was a woman:
1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice
when there was virtually no food.
2. He kept trying to get a message across
to a bunch of men who just didn't get it.
3. And even when He was dead,
He had to get up because there was still work to do.


On Sat, Sep 27, 2008 at 5:06 PM, michael meltzer <mjm at michaelmeltzer.com> wrote:
> When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace
> expensive....
>
>
>
> So, I took her to a gas station.
>
>
>
> And that's how the fight started....
>
>
>
> ************************************************************************
>
> After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social
> Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to
> verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at
> home.
>
>
>
> I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come
> back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt
> revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is
> proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
>
>
>
> When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social
> Security office.
>
>
>
> She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten
> disability, too'
>
>
>
> And that's how the fight started.....
>
>
>
> ***********************************************************************
>
> My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept
> staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby
> table.
>
>
>
> My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
>
>
>
> 'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking
> right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been
> sober since'
>
>
>
> 'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating
> that long?'
>
>
>
> And that's how the fight started......
>
>
>
> ***********************************************************************
>
> I rear-ended a car this morning.
>
>
>
> So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of
> his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little
> things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... He was a
> DWARF!!!
>
>
>
> He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!'
>
>
>
> So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'
>
>
>
> And that's how the fight started.......
>
>
>
> ***********************************************************************
>
> I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.
> Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer would
> make her look better at night than the cold cream.
>
>
>
> And that's how the fight started.....
>
>
>
> ************************************************************************
>
> I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order
> first.
>
>
>
> "I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
>
>
>
> He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
>
>
>
> "Nah, she can order for herself."
>
>
>
> And that's how the fight started..
>
>
>
>
>
> --
>
> A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.
>
>
>
> The barman looks at him and says, 'Hang on! You're a duck.'
>
>
>
> 'I see your eyes are working,' replies the duck.
>
>
>
> 'And you can talk!' exclaims the barman.
>
>
>
> 'I see your ears are working, too,' says the duck. 'Now if you don't mind,
> can I have my beer and my sandwich please?'
>
>
>
> 'Certainly, sorry about that,' says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint.
> 'It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round
> this way?'
>
>
>
> 'I'm working on the building site across the road,' explains the duck. 'I'm
> a plasterer.'
>
>
>
> The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more,
> but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and
> proceeds to read it.
>
>
>
> So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the
> barman good day and leaves.
>
>
>
> The same thing happens for two weeks.
>
>
>
> Then one day the circus comes to town.
>
>
>
> The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him
> 'You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be
> just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads
> the newspaper and everything!'
>
>
>
> 'Sounds marvelous,' says the ringmaster, handing over his business card.
> 'Get him to give me a call.'
>
>
>
> So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, 'Hey Mr.
> Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money.'
>
>
>
> 'I'm always looking for the next job,' says the duck. 'Where is it?'
>
>
>
> 'At the circus,' says the barman.
>
>
>
> 'The circus?' repeats the duck.
>
>
>
> 'That's right,' replies the barman.
>
>
>
> 'The circus?' the duck asks again. 'That place with the big tent?'
>
>
>
> 'Yeah,' the barman replies.
>
>
>
> 'With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in
> caravans?' says the duck.
>
>
>
> 'Of course,' the barman replies.
>
>
>
> 'And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the
> middle?' persists the duck.
>
>
>
> 'That's right!' says the barman.
>
>
>
> The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says 'What the f#ck would they
> want with a plasterer?'
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> --
>
> One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife,
> 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast.- maybe it would
> take a few inches off of your butt!!'
>
>
>
> His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a
> comment go un rewarded.
>
>
>
> The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer.
> 'What the heck is this?' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud
> appeared when he shook them out. 'April,' he hollered into the bathroom,
> 'Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?'
>
>
>
> She replied with a snicker, 'It's not talcum powder ... it's Miracle Grow.'
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> --
>
>
>
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