[Rhodes22-list] jokes

[michael meltzer]

A small zoo in South Carolina obtained a very rare species of gorilla.

 

Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle.
Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem.

 

The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla
available.

 

Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper thought of Bobby Lee Walton, a
redneck part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages. Bobby
Lee, like most rednecks, had little sense but possessed ample ability to
satisfy a female of any species.

 

The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution. Bobby Lee was approached
with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for
$500.00?

 

Bobby Lee showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter
over carefully. The following day, he announced that he would accept their
offer, but only under five conditions:

 

"First," Bobby Lee said, "I ain't gonna kiss her on the lips." The Keeper
quickly agreed to this condition.

 

"Second," he said, "she must wear a 'Dale Earnhardt Forever' T-Shirt." The
keeper again readily agreed to this condition.

 

"Third," he said, "you can't never tell no one about this." The keeper again
readily agreed to this condition.

 

"Fourth," Bobby Lee said, "I want all the children raised Southern Baptist."
Once again it was agreed.

 

"And last," Bobby Lee said, 'I'll need a couple of weeks to come up with the
$500.00."

 

 

--

A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs.

 

Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.

 

The first woman said 'Have you ever had a hug?' The man said 'No,' so she
gave him a hug and walked on.

 

The second woman said, 'Have you ever had a kiss?' The man said, 'No,' so
she gave him a kiss and walked on.

 

The third woman came to him and said, 'Have you ever been f#cked?' The
fellow's eyes lit up and with a big grin he said, 'No.'

 

She said, 'You will be when the tide comes in.'

 

 

--

A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight.
While en route home he asks the cabby if he would be a witness.

 

The man suspects his wife is having an affair and he wants to catch her in
the act. For $100, the cabby agrees.

 

Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toe into the bedroom.. The
husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is his wife
in bed with another man!

 

The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head.

 

The wife shouts, 'Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money. HE
paid for the Corvette I gave you. HE paid for our new cabin cruiser. HE paid
for your season Pittsburgh Steelers tickets. HE paid for our house at the
lake. HE paid for our country club membership, and HE even pays the monthly
dues!'

 

Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun. He looks
over at the cabby and says, 'What would you do?

 

The cabby replies, 'I'd cover his ass with that blanket before he catches
cold.'