[Rhodes22-list] jokes

[Hank]

Too Funny.  Thanks, Herb!

Hank

On Sun, Feb 15, 2009 at 3:09 PM, Herb Parsons <hparsons at parsonsys.com>wrote:

> Michael,
>
> You know what....I'm in management, my wife used to be in management, &
> 2 of my kids are in management.
>
> I find that joke very offensive.
>
> michael meltzer wrote:
> > Management Course
> >
> >
> >
> > Lesson 1:
> >
> > A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her
> > shower, when the doorbell rings.
> >
> >
> >
> > The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she
> > opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.
> >
> >
> >
> > Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that
> towel.'
> >
> >
> >
> > After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked
> in
> > front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
> >
> >
> >
> > The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
> >
> >
> >
> > When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'
> >
> >
> >
> > 'It was Bob the next door neighbor she replies.
> >
> >
> >
> > 'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes
> me?'
> >
> >
> >
> > Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to
> credit
> > and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to
> prevent
> > avoidable exposure.
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > Lesson 2:
> >
> > A pastor offered the church organ player a lift.
> >
> >
> >
> > She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
> >
> >
> >
> > The pastor nearly had an accident.
> >
> >
> >
> > After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
> >
> >
> >
> > The organist said, 'Remember Psalm 129?'
> >
> >
> >
> > The pastor removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide
> up
> > her leg again.
> >
> >
> >
> > The organist once again said, 'Remember Psalm 129?'
> >
> >
> >
> > The pastor apologized 'Sorry, but the flesh is weak.'
> >
> >
> >
> > Arriving at the destination, the organist sighed heavily and went on her
> > way.
> >
> >
> >
> > On his arrival at the church, the pastor rushed to look up Psalm 129. It
> > said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'
> >
> >
> >
> > Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might
> miss
> > a great opportunity.
> >
> >
> >
> > Lesson 3:
> >
> > A TTA, an Administration Clerk, and the Manager are walking to lunch when
> > they find an antique oil lamp.
> >
> >
> >
> > They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you
> > just one wish.'
> >
> >
> >
> > 'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas
> ,
> > driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
> >
> >
> >
> > Puff! She's gone.
> >
> >
> >
> > 'Me next! Me next!' says the TTA. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on
> the
> > beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and
> the
> > love of my life.'
> >
> >
> >
> > Puff! He's gone.
> >
> >
> >
> > 'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
> >
> >
> >
> > The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'
> >
> >
> >
> > Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.
> >
> >
> >
> > Lesson 4
> >
> > An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
> >
> >
> >
> > A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and
> do
> > nothing?'
> >
> >
> >
> > The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'
> >
> >
> >
> > So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a
> > sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
> >
> >
> >
> > Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting
> > very, very high up.
> >
> >
> >
> > Lesson 5
> >
> > A turkey was chatting with a bull. 'I would love to be able to get to the
> > top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
> >
> >
> >
> > 'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull.
> > They're packed with nutrients.'
> >
> >
> >
> > The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him
> enough
> > strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
> >
> >
> >
> > The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
> >
> >
> >
> > Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top
> of
> > the tree.
> >
> >
> >
> > He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
> >
> >
> >
> > Moral of the story: Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep
> > you there..
> >
> >
> >
> > Lesson 6
> >
> > A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird
> froze
> > and fell to the ground into a large field.
> >
> >
> >
> > While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
> >
> >
> >
> > As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize
> > how warm he was.
> >
> >
> >
> > The dung was actually thawing him out!
> >
> >
> >
> > He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A
> passing
> > cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
> >
> >
> >
> > Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow
> dung,
> > and promptly dug him out and ate him.
> >
> >
> >
> > Morals of the story: (1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy. (2)
> > Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend. (3) And when you're
> in
> > deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!
> >
> >
> >
> > THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > --
> >
> > The Global Facts ... At Any Given Moment:
> >
> >
> >
> > Fact: 79,000,000 people are engaged in intercourse right now.
> >
> >
> >
> > Fact: 58,000,000 are kissing.
> >
> >
> >
> > Fact: 37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.
> >
> >
> >
> > Fact: 1 lonely bugger is reading emails. Hang in there sunshine!
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > --
> >
> > It's late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation in South Dakota
> asked
> > their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.
> >
> >
> >
> > Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the
> old
> > secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was
> > going to be like.
> >
> >
> >
> > Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter
> was
> > indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should
> collect
> > firewood to be prepared.
> >
> >
> >
> > But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He
> went
> > to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, 'Is
> the
> > coming winter going to be cold ?'
> >
> >
> >
> > 'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,' the meteorologist
> at
> > the weather service responded.
> >
> >
> >
> > So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more
> > firewood in order to be prepared
> >
> >
> >
> > A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. 'Does it
> still
> > look like it is going to be a very cold winter?'
> >
> >
> >
> > 'Yes,' the man at National Weather Service again replied, 'it's going to
> be
> > a very cold winter.'
> >
> >
> >
> > The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every
> > scrap of firewood they could find.
> >
> >
> >
> > Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again.
> 'Are
> > you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?'
> >
> >
> >
> >  'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is
> going
> > to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen.'
> >
> >
> >
> > 'How can you be so sure?' the chief asked.
> >
> >
> >
> > The weatherman replied, 'The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy.'
> >
> >
> >
> > Always remember this whenever you get advice from a government official!
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > --
> >
> >
> >
> > __________________________________________________
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> > __________________________________________________
> >
> >
> >
> >
>
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