[Rhodes22-list] jokes

Michael Meltzer rhodes22-list@rhodes22.org
Mon, 5 Aug 2002 16:13:48 -0400


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Three old ladies named Gertrude, Maude and Tillie were
sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation when a
flasher approached from across the park.

The flasher came up to the ladies, stood right in front of
them and opened his trench coat.

Gertrude immediately had a stroke.

Then Maude also had a stroke.







(keep going)











But Tillie, being older and more feeble, couldn't quite
reach that far.

- submitted by Chris Helin

--
The manager of a large office asked a new employee to come
into his office. "What is your name?," was the first thing
the manager asked.

"John," the new guy replied.

The manager scowled. "Look, I don't know what kind of a
namby-pamby place you worked at before, but I don't call
anyone by their first name! It breeds familiarity and that
leads to a breakdown in authority," he said. "I refer to my
employees by their last name only - Smith, Jones, Baker -
that's all. Now that we got that straight, what is your last
name?"

The new guy sighed and said, "Darling. My name is John
Darling."

The manager said, "Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell
you..."

- submitted by Kenny Taylor

--
An Army grunt stands in the rain with a 35 lb pack on his
back, 15lb weapon in hand, after marching 12 miles, and says
"God, this is SHIT."

An Army Airborne grunt stands in the rain with a 45lb pack
on his back weapon in hand, after jumping from an airplane
and marching 18 miles, and says with a smile "God, this is
THE shit."

An Army Airborne Ranger lies in the mud, 55lb pack on his
back, weapon in hand, after jumping from a plane into the
swamp and marching 25 miles at night past the enemy, and
says with a grin, "God, I LOVE this shit!"

An Army Green Beret, Airborne/Ranger/Pathfinder qualified,
kneels up to his nose in the stinking, infested mud of a
swamp with a 65lb pack on his back and a weapon in both
hands after jumping from an airplane into the ocean,
swimming 10 miles to the swamp and killing an alligator,
then crawling 30 miles through the brush to assault the
enemy camp. He says with a passionate snarl, "God, gimmee
some MORE of this shit!"

An Army computer specialist sits in an softened leather
chair in his air-conditioned, carpeted office and says, "The
internet's down? What kind of shit is this?!?"

++
A man walks into a bar and orders a double, obviously upset.
"What's the matter, buddy?" asks the bartender.

"It's a long story. I met this beautiful woman who invited
me back home. We stripped off our clothes and jumped into
bed and were just about to make love when her goddamned
husband came in the front door. So I had to jump out of the
bedroom window and hang from the edge by my fingernails
without any clothes on!"

"Gee, that's tough!" commiserated the bartender.

"Right, but that's not what really got me aggravated. When
her husband came into the room, he wanted to have sex with
her -- but he had to piss first. And the lazy son of a bitch
pissed out the window right onto my head!"

"Yeech! No wonder you're in a lousy mood."

"Yeah, but I haven't told you what really really made me
mad. Next, I had to listen to them grunting and groaning and
when they finished the husband tossed his condom out the
window. And where does it land? On my goddamned forehead!"

"Damn, that really is a drag!"

"Oh, I'm not finished! See, what really pissed me off was
when the husband had to take a dump. Turns out that their
toilet was broken, so he stuck his ass out of the window and
let loose right on my head!"

"That would sure mess up my day."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah, but do you know what REALLY REALLY REALLY
pissed me off? When I looked down and saw that my feet were
only SIX inches off the ground!"

++
A man appeared before the pearly gates. St. Peter asked,
"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?"

The man said, " I can think of one thing. Once I came upon a
gang of hells angels who were threatening a young women. I
told them to leave her alone but they wouldn't listen, so I
approached the biggest, and most heavily tattooed biker of
the bunch. I smacked him on the head, kicked over his bike
and ripped out his nose ring and threw it on the ground and
told him if he didn't leave her alone he'd answer to me."

St. Peter was impressed. "When did this happen?"

"Just a couple of minutes ago"

- submitted by Gary Savage

--


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<DIV><FONT face=3DArial size=3D2><FONT face=3D"Times New Roman" =
size=3D3>Three old=20
ladies named Gertrude, Maude and Tillie were<BR>sitting on a park bench =
having a=20
quiet conversation when a<BR>flasher approached from across the =
park.<BR><BR>The=20
flasher came up to the ladies, stood right in front of<BR>them and =
opened his=20
trench coat.<BR><BR>Gertrude immediately had a stroke.<BR><BR>Then Maude =
also=20
had a stroke.<BR><BR><BR><BR><BR><BR><BR><BR>(keep=20
going)<BR><BR><BR><BR><BR><BR><BR><BR><BR><BR><BR><BR>But Tillie, being =
older=20
and more feeble, couldn't quite<BR>reach that far.<BR><BR>- submitted by =
Chris=20
Helin<BR><BR>--<BR>The manager of a large office asked a new employee to =

come<BR>into his office. "What is your name?," was the first =
thing<BR>the=20
manager asked.<BR><BR>"John," the new guy replied.<BR><BR>The manager =
scowled.=20
"Look, I don't know what kind of a<BR>namby-pamby place you worked at =
before,=20
but I don't call<BR>anyone by their first name! It breeds familiarity =
and=20
that<BR>leads to a breakdown in authority," he said. "I refer to =
my<BR>employees=20
by their last name only - Smith, Jones, Baker -<BR>that's all. Now that =
we got=20
that straight, what is your last<BR>name?"<BR><BR>The new guy sighed and =
said,=20
"Darling. My name is John<BR>Darling."<BR><BR>The manager said, "Okay, =
John, the=20
next thing I want to tell<BR>you..."<BR><BR>- submitted by Kenny=20
Taylor<BR><BR>--<BR>An Army grunt stands in the rain with a 35 lb pack =
on=20
his<BR>back, 15lb weapon in hand, after marching 12 miles, and =
says<BR>"God,=20
this is SHIT."<BR><BR>An Army Airborne grunt stands in the rain with a =
45lb=20
pack<BR>on his back weapon in hand, after jumping from an =
airplane<BR>and=20
marching 18 miles, and says with a smile "God, this is<BR>THE =
shit."<BR><BR>An=20
Army Airborne Ranger lies in the mud, 55lb pack on his<BR>back, weapon =
in hand,=20
after jumping from a plane into the<BR>swamp and marching 25 miles at =
night past=20
the enemy, and<BR>says with a grin, "God, I LOVE this shit!"<BR><BR>An =
Army=20
Green Beret, Airborne/Ranger/Pathfinder qualified,<BR>kneels up to his =
nose in=20
the stinking, infested mud of a<BR>swamp with a 65lb pack on his back =
and a=20
weapon in both<BR>hands after jumping from an airplane into the=20
ocean,<BR>swimming 10 miles to the swamp and killing an =
alligator,<BR>then=20
crawling 30 miles through the brush to assault the<BR>enemy camp. He =
says with a=20
passionate snarl, "God, gimmee<BR>some MORE of this shit!"<BR><BR>An =
Army=20
computer specialist sits in an softened leather<BR>chair in his =
air-conditioned,=20
carpeted office and says, "The<BR>internet's down? What kind of shit is=20
this?!?"<BR><BR>++<BR>A man walks into a bar and orders a double, =
obviously=20
upset.<BR>"What's the matter, buddy?" asks the bartender.<BR><BR>"It's a =
long=20
story. I met this beautiful woman who invited<BR>me back home. We =
stripped off=20
our clothes and jumped into<BR>bed and were just about to make love when =
her=20
goddamned<BR>husband came in the front door. So I had to jump out of=20
the<BR>bedroom window and hang from the edge by my =
fingernails<BR>without any=20
clothes on!"<BR><BR>"Gee, that's tough!" commiserated the=20
bartender.<BR><BR>"Right, but that's not what really got me aggravated.=20
When<BR>her husband came into the room, he wanted to have sex =
with<BR>her -- but=20
he had to piss first. And the lazy son of a bitch<BR>pissed out the =
window right=20
onto my head!"<BR><BR>"Yeech! No wonder you're in a lousy =
mood."<BR><BR>"Yeah,=20
but I haven't told you what really really made me<BR>mad. Next, I had to =
listen=20
to them grunting and groaning and<BR>when they finished the husband =
tossed his=20
condom out the<BR>window. And where does it land? On my goddamned=20
forehead!"<BR><BR>"Damn, that really is a drag!"<BR><BR>"Oh, I'm not =
finished!=20
See, what really pissed me off was<BR>when the husband had to take a =
dump. Turns=20
out that their<BR>toilet was broken, so he stuck his ass out of the =
window=20
and<BR>let loose right on my head!"<BR><BR>"That would sure mess up my=20
day."<BR><BR>"Yeah, yeah, yeah, but do you know what REALLY REALLY=20
REALLY<BR>pissed me off? When I looked down and saw that my feet =
were<BR>only=20
SIX inches off the ground!"<BR><BR>++<BR>A man appeared before the =
pearly gates.=20
St. Peter asked,<BR>"Have you ever done anything of particular=20
merit?"<BR><BR>The man said, " I can think of one thing. Once I came =
upon=20
a<BR>gang of hells angels who were threatening a young women. I<BR>told =
them to=20
leave her alone but they wouldn't listen, so I<BR>approached the =
biggest, and=20
most heavily tattooed biker of<BR>the bunch. I smacked him on the head, =
kicked=20
over his bike<BR>and ripped out his nose ring and threw it on the ground =

and<BR>told him if he didn't leave her alone he'd answer to =
me."<BR><BR>St.=20
Peter was impressed. "When did this happen?"<BR><BR>"Just a couple of =
minutes=20
ago"<BR><BR>- submitted by Gary=20
Savage<BR><BR>--</FONT><BR></FONT></DIV></BODY></HTML>

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