[Rhodes22-list] jokes

[Michael Meltzer]

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RIGHT

That old law about
"an eye for an eye"
leaves everybody blind.
The time is always right
to do the right thing.

     - Martin Luther King

--
The Bill Of Rights Modernized:

The following has apparently been attributed to State
Representative Mitchell Kaye from GA. This guy should have
run for President:

"We, the sensible people of the United States, in an
attempt to help everyone get along, restore some semblance
of justice, avoid any more riots, keep our nation safe,
promote positive behavior, and secure the blessings of debt
free liberty to ourselves and our
great-great-great-grandchildren, hereby try one more time to
ordain and establish some common sense guidelines for the
terminally whiny, guilt ridden, delusional, and other
liberal, bed-wetters.

We hold these truths to be self-evident: that a whole lot of
people are confused by the Bill of Rights and are so dim
that they require a Bill of No Rights.

ARTICLE I: You do not have the right to a new car, big
screen TV or any other form of wealth. More power to you if
you can legally acquire them, but no one is guaranteeing
anything.

ARTICLE II: You do not have the right to never be offended.
This country is based on freedom, and that means freedom for
everyone -- not just you! You may leave the room, turn the
channel, express a different opinion, etc., but the world is
full of idiots, and probably always will be.

ARTICLE III: You do not have the right to be free from harm.
If you stick a screwdriver in your eye, learn to be more
careful, do not expect the tool manufacturer to make you and
all your relatives independently wealthy.

ARTICLE IV: You do not have the right to free food and
housing. Americans are the most charitable people to be
found, and will gladly help anyone in need, but we are
quickly growing weary of subsidizing generation after
generation of professional couch potatoes who achieve
nothing more than the creation of another generation of
professional couch potatoes.

ARTICLE V: You do not have the right to free health care.
That would be nice, but from the looks of public housing,
we're just not interested in public health care.

ARTICLE VI: You do not have the right to physically
harm other people. If you kidnap, rape, intentionally maim,
or kill someone, don't be surprised if the rest of us want
to see you fry in the electric chair.

ARTICLE VII: You do not have the right to the possessions of
others. If you rob, cheat or coerce away the goods or
services of other citizens, don't be surprised if the rest
of us get together and lock you away in a place where you
still won't have the right to a big screen color TV or a
life of leisure.

ARTICLE VIII: You don't have the right to demand that our
children risk their lives in foreign wars to soothe your
aching conscience. We hate oppressive governments and won't
lift a finger to stop you from going to fight if you'd like.
However, we do not enjoy parenting the entire world and do
not want to spend so much of our time battling each and
every little tyrant with a military uniform and a funny hat.
(Mumf note: "funny hat" is a nice touch!)

ARTICLE IX: You don't have the right to a job. All of us
sure want you to have a job, and will gladly help you along
in hard times, but we expect you to take advantage of the
opportunities of education and vocational training laid
before you to make yourself useful.

ARTICLE X: You do not have the right to happiness. Being an
American means that you have the right to PURSUE
happiness -- which by the way, is a lot easier if you are
unencumbered by an overabundance of idiotic laws created by
those of you who were confused by the Bill of Rights,

ARTICLE X1: This is an English speaking country. We don't
care where you are from, English is our language. Learn it."

- from Jay Pocius

--
http://www.public-i.org/dtaweb/icij_bow.asp?Section=3DChapter&
ChapNum=3D2&Page=3D1

- from Srini Yalavarthy

--
She is 92 years old, petite, well poised, and proud. She is
fully dressed each morning by eight o'clock, with her hair
fashionably coifed, and her makeup perfectly applied, in
spite of the fact she is legally blind.

Today she has moved to a nursing home. Her husband of 70
years recently passed away, making this move necessary.

After many hours of waiting patiently in the lobby of the
nursing home, where I am employed, she smiled sweetly when
told her room was ready. As she maneuvered her walker to the
elevator, I provided a visual description of her tiny room,
including the eyelet curtains that had been hung on her
window.

"I love it," she stated with the enthusiasm of an
eight-year-old having just been presented with a new puppy.

"Mrs. Jones, you haven't seen the room...just wait," I said.
Then she spoke these words that I will never forget:

"That does not have anything to do with it," she gently
replied "Happiness is something you decide on ahead of time.
Whether I like my room or not, does not depend on how the
furniture is arranged. It is how I arrange my mind. I have
already decided to love it."

"It is a decision I make every morning when I wake up. I
have a choice. I can spend the day in bed recounting the
difficulty I have with the parts of my body that no longer
work, or I can get out of bed and be thankful for the ones
that do work. Each day is a gift, and as long as my eyes
open, I will focus on the new day and all of the happy
memories I have stored away...just for this time in my
life."

"Old age is like a bank account. You withdraw from what you
have already put in."

- from Sue Greene

--
Good Advice

 1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age,
weight and height. Let the doctor worry about them. That is
why you pay him/her.
 2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.
(Mumf note: Anna, this is what I mean!)
 3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts,
gardening, whatever. Never let the brain idle. "An idle mind
is the devil's workshop," The devil's name is Depression.
 4. Enjoy the simple things. When the children are young,
that is all that you can afford. When they are in college,
that is all that you can afford. When you are on retirement,
that is all that you can afford.
 5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for
breath. Laugh so much that you can be tracked in the store
by your distinctive laughter.
 6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only
person who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be
alive while you are alive, don't put out a mailbox on the
highway of death and just wait in residence for your mail.
 7. Surround yourself with what you love, whether it is
family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever.
Your home is your refuge.
 8. Cherish your health. If it is good, preserve it. If it
is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can
improve, get help.
 9. Don't take guilt trips. Go to the mall, the next county,
a foreign country, but not to guilt country.
10. Tell the people you love, that you love them, at every
opportunity. And always remember: Life is not measured by
the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take
our breath away.

- from Jay Pocius

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