[Rhodes22-list] jokes
Michael Meltzer
mjm@michaelmeltzer.com
Mon, 7 Oct 2002 16:17:57 -0400
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When I stopped the bus to pick up Chris for preschool, I
noticed an older woman hugging him as he left the house. "Is
that your grandmother?" I asked.
"Yes, "Chris said. "She's come to visit us for Christmas."
"How nice," I said. "Where does she live?"
"At the airport," Chris replied. "Whenever we want her, we
just go out there and get her."
++
I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors,
yet. So, I decided to test her. I would point out something
and ask what color it was. She would tell me, and she was
always correct. But it was fun for me, so I continued. At
last, she headed for the door, saying sagely, "Grandma, I
think you should try to figure out some of these yourself!"
++
When the mother returned from the grocery store, her small
son pulled out the box of animal crackers he had begged for,
then he spread the animal-shaped crackers all over the
kitchen counter. "What are you doing?" his Mom asked.
"The box says you can't eat them if the seal is broken," the
boy explained. "I'm looking for the seal."
++
This little grandmother was surprised by her 7 year old
grandson one morning. He had made her coffee. She drank what
was the worst cup of coffee in her life. When she got to the
bottom, there were three of those little green army men and
she asked him why they were there and he said on TV
they say, 'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your
cup!'"
++
In the supermarket was a man pushing a cart that contained a
screaming, bellowing baby. The gentleman kept repeating
softly, "Don't get excited, Albert; don't scream, Albert;
don't yell, Albert; keep calm, Albert."
A woman standing next to him said, "You certainly are to be
commended for trying to soothe your son, Albert."
The man looked at her and said, "Lady, I'm Albert."
++
A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a new litter
of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his
mother, "There were two boy kittens and two girl kittens."
"How did you know that?" his mother asked.
"Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I
think it's printed on the bottom."
++
THE ELDERLY: While working for an organization that delivers
lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my four-year-old
daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly
intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly
the canes, walkers and wheelchairs.
One day, I found her staring at a pair of false teeth
soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable
barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The
tooth fairy will never believe this."
- from Dave Houpert
--
An executive was in a quandary. He had to get rid of one of
his staff. He had narrowed it down to one of two people,
Laura or Jack.
It would be a hard decision to make, as they were equally
qualified and both did excellent work. He finally decided
that in the morning whichever one used the water cooler
first would have to go.
Laura came in the next morning, hugely hung-over after
partying all night. She went to the cooler to get some water
to take an aspirin and the executive approached her and
said: "Laura, I've never done this before, but I have to lay
you or Jack off."
Laura replied, "Could you jack off? I feel like shit."
- from Kevin "Jack-Off" Haggerty
--
Four men were bragging about how smart their cats are. The
first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant,
the third man was a Chemist, and the fourth was a Government
Employee.
To show off, the Engineer called to his cat, "T-square, do
your stuff." T-square pranced over to a desk, took out some
paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a
triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.
But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called
his cat and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff." Spreadsheet
went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies.
He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each.
Everyone agreed that was good.
But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his
cat and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up,
walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a
10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces
without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was good.
Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and
said, "What can your cat do?".
The Government Worker called to his cat and said, "Coffee
Break, do your stuff." Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate
the cookies, drank the milk, crapped on the paper, screwed
the other three cats, claimed he injured his back while
doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working
conditions, put in for Workers Compensation and went home
for the day.
- from Sue Greene
--
http://www.laugh-attack.com/trailerpark/Default.htm
- from Kevin Haggerty
--
A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a
lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach
pretty much every day.
She wasn't unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried,
except for one thing; she would approach people who were
sitting on the beach, glance around furtively, then speak to
them.
Generally the people would respond negatively and she would
wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there
would be a quick exchange of money for something she carried
in her bag. The couple assumed she was selling drugs, and
debated calling the cops, but since they didn't know for
sure they just continued to watch her.
After a couple of weeks the wife said, "Honey, have you ever
noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and
other electronic devices?" He hadn't and said so.
Then she said, "Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our
big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out
what she's really doing."
Well, the plan went off without a hitch and the wife was
almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw
the girl talk to her husband and then leave.
The man walked up the beach and met his wife at the road.
"Well, is she selling drugs?" she asked excitedly.
"No, she's not," he said, enjoying this probably more than
he should have.
"Well, what is it, then? What does she do?" his wife fairly
shrieked.
The man grinned and said, "She's a battery salesperson."
"Batteries?" cried the wife.
"Yes," he replied.
OK, NOW SCROLL DOWN TO THE BOTTOM -- You're gonna hate me
for this...
She sells C cells down by the sea shore.
++
Jacob, 92 years old, and Rebecca, 85 years old, are excited
about their decision to get married. They go for a walk to
discuss the wedding and on the way pass a drugstore. Jacob
suggests that they go in and he asks the man behind the
counter: "Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers "Yes."
Jacob: "Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."
Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."
Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."
Jacob: "How about Viagra?
Pharmacist: "Of course."
Jacob: "Medicine for memory?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety."
Jacob: "What about vitamins and sleeping pills?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."
Jacob then turns to Rebecca and says: "Sweetheart, we might
as well register our wedding gift list with this store."
++
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his
sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room,
he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing
machine?"
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, "Ohio State."
- from John Redfield
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