[Rhodes22-list] jokes

[Michael Meltzer]

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party. The
Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honor of the
Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill
you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?" The Lone
Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse." The Chief nods and Silver
is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear, and the
horse gallops away. Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful
blonde woman on his back.

As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and
spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have a very
fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days.

What is your second request?" The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his
horse. Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear.
As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the
horizon. Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns,
this time with a voluptuous brunette, even more attractive than the blonde.

She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night. The following
morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a man of many
talents, but I will still kill you tomorrow.

"What is your last request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse,....alone."

The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone
Ranger's tent.

Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him
square in the eye and says, "Listen very carefully .... for the last time
.... BRING POSSE!!!"

 - from Kevin Haggerty

--
An American tourist in London found himself needing to take a leak something
terrible. After a long search he just couldn't find any public bathroom to
relieve himself. So he went down one of the side streets to take care of
business. Just as he was unzipping, a London police officer showed up.

"Look here, old chap, what are you doing?" the officer asked.

"I'm sorry," the American replied, but I really gotta take a leak."

"You can't do that here," the officer told him. "Look, follow me."

The police officer led him to a beautiful garden with lots of grass, pretty
flowers, and manicured hedges.

"Here," said the policeman, "whiz away."

The American tourist shrugged, turned, unzipped, and started pissing on the
flowers.

"Ahhh," he said in relief. Then turning toward the officer, he said, "This
is very nice of you. Is this British courtesy?"

"No," retorted the policeman. "It's the French Embassy."

 - from Jimi Pocius

--
There are only eleven times in history where the "F" word has been
considered acceptable for use. They are as follows:

11. "What the fuck do you mean we're sinking?" Capt. E. J. Smith of RMS
Titanic, 1912.

10. "What the fuck was that?" Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945.

 9. "Where did all those fucking Indians come from?" Custer, 1877.

 8. "Any fucking idiot could understand that." Einstein, 1938.

 7. "It does so fucking look like her!" Picasso, 1926.

 6. "How the fuck did you work that out?" Pythagoras, 126 BC.

 5. "You want WHAT on the fucking ceiling?" Michelangelo, 1566.

 4. "Where the fuck are we?" Amelia Earhart, 1937.

 3. "Scattered fucking showers....My ass!" Noah, 4314BC.

 2. "Aw c'mon. Who the fuck is going to find out?" Bill Clinton, 1999.

And, last but not least, a drum roll please....................

 1. "Geez, I didn't think they'd get this fucking mad." Sadaam Hussein,
2003.

--
God said, "Adam, I want you to do something for me."

Adam said, "Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?"

God said, "Go down into that valley."

Adam said, "What's a valley?"

God explained it to him. Then God said, "Cross the river."

Adam said, "What's a river?"

God explained that to him, and then said, "Go over to the hill......."

Adam said, "What is a hill?"

So, God explained to Adam what a hill was. He told Adam, "On the other side
of the hill you will find a cave"

Adam said, "What's a cave?"

After God explained, he said, "In the cave you will find a Woman."

Adam said, "What's a woman?"

So God explained that to him, too. Then, God said, "I want you to
reproduce."

Adam said, "How do I do that?"

God first said (under his breath), "Geez....." And then, just like
everything else, God explained that to Adam, as well.

So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill,
into the cave, and finds the woman. Then, in about five minutes, he was
back.

God, his patience wearing thin, said angrily, "What is it now?"

And Adam said, "What's a headache?

 - from Nancy Monroe

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