[Rhodes22-list] jokes

Michael Meltzer mjm at michaelmeltzer.com
Tue Jul 29 15:43:53 EDT 2003


The Nun teaching Sunday school was speaking to her class one Sunday morning
and she asked the question, "When you die and go to Heaven, which part of
your body goes first?"

Suzie raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands." "Why do you think
it's your hands, Suzie?" Suzie replied, "... Because when you pray, you hold
your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first!"
"What a wonderful answer!" the Nun said.

Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sister, I think it's your legs".
The Nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. "Now, Little
Johnny, why do you think it would be your legs?"

Little Johnny said, "Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the other
night, Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, 'O God,
I'm coming!' If Dad hadn't had her pinned down, we'd have lost her." The Nun
fainted!

++
Man driving down a road.

Woman driving up same road.

They pass each other.

Woman yells out window, "PIG!"

Man yells out window, "BITCH!"

Man rounds next curve and crashes into a huge pig in middle of road.

Thought For The Day: If only men would listen!!!!

 - from Jimi Pocius

--
Little Leroy came into the kitchen where his mother was making Dinner. His
birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his
mother what he wanted. "Mom, I want a bike for my birthday." Little Leroy
was a bit of a troublemaker. He had gotten into trouble at school and at
home. Leroy's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for
his birthday. Little Leroy, of course, thought he did. Leroy's mother, being
a Christian woman, wanted him to reflect on his behavior over the last year
and write a letter to God and tell him why he deserved a bike for his
birthday. Little Leroy stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to
write God a letter.

Letter 1:
Dear God,
I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my
birthday. I want a red one.
Your friend, Leroy

Leroy knew this wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this year, so
he tore up the letter and started over.

Letter 2:
Dear God,
This is your friend Leroy. I have been a pretty good boy this year and I
would like a red bike for my birthday.
Thank you, Leroy

Leroy thought about it and decided he had better try again.

Letter 3:
Dear God,
I have been an OK boy this year and I would really like a red bike for my
birthday.
Leroy

Leroy knew he could not send this letter to God either, so he wrote another
letter.

Letter 4:
Dear God:
I know I haven't been a good boy this year. I am very sorry. I will be a
good boy if you just send me a red bike for my birthday.
Thank you, Leroy

Leroy knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get him a
bike. By now, Leroy was very upset. He went downstairs and told his mother
he wanted to go to church. Leroy's mother thought her plan had worked
because Leroy looked very sad. "Just be home in time for dinner," his mother
said.

Leroy walked down the street to the church and up to the altar. He looked
around to see if anyone was there. He picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary.
He slipped it under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the street,
into his house, and up to his room. He shut the door to his room and sat
down with a piece of paper and a pen. Leroy began to write his letter to
God.

Letter 5:

I've got your mama. If you want to see her again, send the bike.
Signed, You Know Who

++
A farmer had five female pigs and, as times were hard, he had determined to
take them to the county fair and sell them.

While at the fair, he met another farmer who owned five male pigs. After
talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50.

The farmers lived sixty miles away from one another and so they agreed to
drive thirty miles and find a field in which to mate their pigs.

The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 Am., loaded
the pigs into the family station wagon, which was the only vehicle they had,
and drove the thirty miles.

While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, "How will I know if
they are pregnant?"

The other farmer replied, "If they're in the grass grazing in the morning,
then they're pregnant, if they're in the mud, then they're not."

The next morning they were rolling in the mud, so he hosed them off, loaded
them again into the family station wagon and proceeded to try again.

This continued each morning the following week until one morning the farmer
was so tired that he couldn't get out of bed.

He called to his wife, "Honey, please look outside and tell me if the pigs
are in the mud or in the field."

"Neither," yelled his wife, "they're in the station wagon and one of them is
honking the horn."

 - from Kevin Haggerty

--
http://homepages.nildram.co.uk/~blagger/the_duel.html

 - from Sue Greene

--
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