[Rhodes22-list] jokes

[Michael Meltzer]

A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift. The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The Knob," where a small knob is placed on the back of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift. Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob."

Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful -- the woman remained young looking and vibrant. After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems. "All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them."
The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your breasts."

She said, "Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee.
 - from Patty Galvin
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 1. Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was a salted.
 2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
 3. A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."
 4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
 5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
 6. Two aerials (antennas) meet on a roof, fall in love get married. The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was brilliant.
 7. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
 8. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." "Is it common?" "It's not unusual."
 9. Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaimed Daisy.
10. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Saran Wrap shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
11. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I'm positive..."
12. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before.
13. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down." "Why?, Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy"
14. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mom or my dad... or maybe my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha Chu. But I'm pretty sure it's Colin.
15. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
16. I went to the butcher the other day and I bet him 50 bucks that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "no, the steaks are too high."
17. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".
18. I went to a seafood disco party last week.... and pulled a mussel.
19. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
20. A man walks into doctor's office. "What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc. "It's... um... well... I have five penises," replies the man. "Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?" "Like a glove."
21. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
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http://members.iinet.net.au/~rmine/toons.html

 - from Sandy Fraser

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A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores. 

"Not yet," said the little boy. 

His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores. 

Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. 

"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks. 

"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk." 

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, "Are you going to tell him, or should I?" 

 - from Steve Taliaferro

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A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance." says the husband, "It's three o'clock in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed. 

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answered. 

"Did you help him?" she asked. 

"No, I did not. It's three in the morning and it's pouring out!"

"Well, you have a short memory," said his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pouring rain. He called out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," came back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" called out the husband.

"Yes, please!" came the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asked the husband.

"Over here on the swing!" replied the drunk.

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