[Rhodes22-list] jokes 1

[Michael Meltzer]

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand and a bucket of
buffalo manure in the other. He says to the waiter, "Me want coffee."

The waiter says, "Sure chief, coming right up." He gets the Indian a tall
mug of coffee, and the Indian drinks it down in one gulp, picks up the
bucket of manure, throws it into the air, blasts it with the shotgun, then
just walks out.

The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand and a
bucket of buffalo manure in the other. He walks up to the counter and says
to the waiter, "Me want coffee."

The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto. We're still cleaning up your mess from the
last time you were here. What the heck was all that about, anyway?"

The Indian smiles and proudly says, "Me training for upper management
position: Come in, drink coffee, shoot shit, leave mess for others to clean
up, disappear for rest of day."

 - from Ron Nichols

--
A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the TV,
and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts."

She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer.

When he finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna
start."

This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer.

When it was gone, he said, "Quick, another beer before it starts."

"That's it!" She blows her top, "You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your
fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around
like your slave. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron
all day long?"

The husband sighed. "Oh shit, it's started."

 - from Carol Bagshaw

--
(Mumf note: always a good thing to remind the fairer sex)

Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it
down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about
you leaving it down.

1. Saturday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that
way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not
work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what
we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact,
all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to
act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways
makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done.
Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during
commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for
example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea
what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's
wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want us to answer, expect an answer you
don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...
Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss
such topics as golf, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

1. Thank you for reading this: Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch
tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that, it's like camping.

 - from Gary Savage

--
"Hi honey, this is Daddy... Is your Mommy near the phone?"

"No Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Tom."

After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Tom, Jackie!"

"Oh yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy right now."

"Uh, ok then." Daddy says, "here's what I want you to do. Put down the
phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy and
Uncle Tom that Daddy's car just pulled up outside the house."

"Okay Daddy!" A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone.
"Well, I did what you said, Daddy."

"And what happened?" he asks.

"Well Mommy got all scared, jumped out of the bed with no clothes on and ran
around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and fell down stairs and
there's blood everywhere, her arms and legs are bent all funny and she's not
moving anymore."

"Oh no... and what about Uncle Tom?"

"He jumped out the back window! into the swimming pool... but he must have
forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the
bottom of the swimming pool and he's not moving anymore either."

***long pause***

Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool? Is this 646-0549?"

 - from Gary Savage

--
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a
very good looking woman, and determined to keep the ranch, but
knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the
newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought
long and hard about it, and when no one else applied, she
decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around
the house than the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put
in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of
them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's
widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job and the ranch
looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels."

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. However
one o'clock came and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. He
returned around two-thirty and upon entering the room, he found the
rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine
waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her.

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she
directed.

"Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

"Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by
her boots.

"Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her
eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra." Again with trembling hands he did as he was told and
dropped it to the floor.

Now," she said, "take off my panties." By the light of the fire, he slowly
pulled them down and off.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town
again, you're fired."

 - from Fred Frost

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