[Rhodes22-list] jokes 2

[Michael Meltzer]

The Most Functional English Word

Well, it's shit...that's right, shit! Shit may just be the most functional
word in the English language.

Consider: You can get shit-faced, Be shit out of luck, or have shit for
brains.

With a little effort, you can get your shit together, Find a place for your
shit, Or be asked to shit or get off the pot.

You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit,
and tell others to eat shit.

Some people know their shit, while others can't tell the difference between
Shit and Shineola.

There are lucky shits, dumb shits, crazy shits, There is bull shit, horse
shit and chicken shit.

You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, shoot the shit, or duck when the
shit hits the fan.

You can give a shit or serve shit on a shingle.

You can find yourself in deep shit or be happier than a pig in shit.

Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit, and some
days are just plain shitty.

Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are times
when you feel like shit.

You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit
or a lot of weird shit.

You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shits creek
without a paddle.

Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you fall in a
bucket of shit and come out smelling like a rose.

When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of
the English language. And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need
to know anything else!

You could pass this along, if you give a shit. Or not do so, If you don't
give a shit! Well Shit, it's time for me to go. Just wanted you to know that
I do Give A Shit and hope you had a nice day, without a bunch of shit. But
if you happened to catch a load of shit from some shit head... Well, tough
shit cuz shit happens!

 - from Fred Frost

--
Thanks to all my friends who sent me such important email in 2003! Thank god
you included me in your quest to inform! Thanks to all of you:

 * I stopped drinking Coca-Cola after I found out that it's good for
removing toilet stains.
 * I stopped going to the movies for fear of sitting on a needle infected
with AIDS.
 * I smell like shit, but thank god I stopped using deodorant because they
cause cancer.
 * I don't leave my car in any parking lot even though I sometimes have to
walk about seven blocks, for fear that someone might drug me with a perfume
sample and then and try to rob me.
 * I also stopped answering the phone for fear that they will ask me to dial
a stupid number and then I get a phone bill from hell with calls to Uganda,
Singapore and Tokyo.
 * I stopped consuming several foods for fear that the estrogen they contain
may turn me gay.
 * I also stopped eating chicken and hamburgers because they are nothing
more than horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers that are bred in a
lab so that places like McDonalds can sell their Big Macs.
 * I also stopped drinking anything out of a can for fear that I will get
sick from the rat feces and urine.
 * I donated all my savings to the Amy Bruce account. That poor sick girl
that was about to die in the hospital. Funny thing, she never seems to get
any older ...
 * I went bankrupt from bounced checks that I made, expecting the $15,000
that Microsoft and AOL were supposed to send me when I participated in their
special e-mail program. It's weird, though that my new free cell phone never
arrived, and neither did the passes for my paid vacation to Disneyland. But
I am positive that all this is because of the chain I broke or forgot to
follow and I got a curse from hell.

IMPORTANT NOTE: If you don't send this e-mail to at least 1,200 people in
the next ten seconds, a bird will shit on you today at 7:00 pm.

 - from Kevin Haggerty

--
An Irishman moves into a tiny hamlet in County Kerry, walks into the pub and
promptly orders three beers. The bartender raises his eyebrows, but serves
the man three beers, which he drinks quietly at a table, alone.

An hour later, the man has finished the three beers and orders three more.
This happens yet again. The next evening the man again orders and drinks
three beers at a time, several times.

Soon the entire town is whispering about the Man Who Orders Three Beers.
Finally, a week later, the bartender broaches the subject on behalf of the
town. "I don't mean to pry, but folks around here are wondering why you
always order three beers?"

"Tis odd, isn't it?" the man replies, "You see, I have two brothers, and one
went to America, and the other to Australia. We promised each other that we
would always order an extra two beers whenever we drank as a way of keeping
up the family bond."

The bartender and the whole town was pleased with this answer, and soon the
Man Who Orders Three Beers became a local celebrity and source of pride to
the hamlet, even to the extent that out-of-towners would come to watch him
drink.

Then, one day, the man comes in and orders only two beers. The bartender
pours them with a heavy heart.

This continues for the rest of the evening: he orders only two beers. The
word flies around town. Prayers are offered for the soul of one of the
brothers.

The next day, the bartender says to the man, "Folks around here, me first of
all, want to offer condolences to you for the death of your brother. You
know -- the two beers and all..."

The man ponders this for a moment, then replies, "You'll be happy to hear
that my two brothers are alive and well. It's just that I, meself, have
decided to give up drinking for Lent."

 - from Chuck Mumford

--
Johnny watched his Daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the
woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a
passionate embrace. Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could not
contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother.

"Mommy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with
Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then
he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants
off, then Aunt Jane........"

At this point Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an
interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for suppertime. I want to
see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."

At the dinner table, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny
started his story about the car going into the woods, the undressing, Aunt
Jane laying down on the back seat. Then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing
the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the
Army."

Sometimes one needs to listen to the whole story before one interrupts...

 - from Kevin Haggerty

--