[Rhodes22-list] jokes

[Michael Meltzer]

A cowboy walks into the dentist's office and after an examination the
dentist says, "That tooth has to come out. I'm going to give you a shot of
Novocaine and I'll be back in a few minutes."

The cowboy grabs the doc's arm and says. "No way. I hate needles. I'm not
having any shot!"

So the dentist says, "Okay, we'll have to go with the gas."

The cowboy replies, "Absolutely not. It makes me very sick for a couple of
days. I'm not having gas."

So the dentist steps out and comes back with a glass of water, "Here," he
says. "Take this pill."

The cowboy asks, "What is it?"

The doc replies, "Viagra."

The cowboy looks surprised and asks, "Will that kill the pain?"

"No," replies the dentist, "but it will give you something to hold on to
while I pull the tooth.


++
Bob, a 70 year old extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club
with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25 year-old blonde who knocks
everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm who hangs over
Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word. His buddies at the club
are all
aghast. They corner him and ask, "Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?"

Bob replies, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!"

They're knocked over, but continue to ask. "So, how'd you persuade her to
marry you?"

Bob says, "I lied about my age."

His friends respond, "What do you mean? Did you tell her you were only 50?"

Bob smiles and says, "No, I told her I was 90."

++
It was mealtime during a flight on El-Al. "Would you like dinner?" the
flight attendant asked Moishe.

"What are my choices?" Moishe asked.

"Yes or no," she replied.

++
An elderly Jewish man is knocked down by a car and brought to the local
hospital. A pretty nurse tucks him into bed and says, "Mr. Epstein, are you
comfortable?"

Epstein replies, "I make a nice living...."

++
Saul Epstein was taking an oral exam, applying for his citizenship papers..
He was asked to spell "cultivate", and he spelled it correctly. He was then
asked to use the word in a sentence, and with a big smile, responded: "Last
vinter on a very cold day, I vas vaiting for a bus, but it vas too
cultivate, so I took the subvay home".

++
A Rabbi was opening his mail one morning. Taking a single sheet of paper
from an envelope he found written on it only one word: "shmuck". At the next
Friday night service, the rabbi announced, "I have known many people who
have written letters and forgot to sign their names, but this week I
received a letter from someone who signed his name.... and forgot to write a
letter."

++
Three Jewish women get together for lunch. As they are being seated in the
restaurant, one takes a deep breath and gives a long, slow "oy".

The second takes a deep breath as well and lets out a long, slow "oy".

The third takes a deep breath and says impatiently "Girls, I thought we
agreed that we weren't going to talk about our children".

++
Signs on Synagogue Bulletin Boards:
  -  Under same management for over 5763 years
  -  Beat the Rosh Hashana rush, come to shul this shabbat
  -  Don't give up, Moses was once a basket case!
  -  Come early for a good seat
  -  What part of "Thou shalt not" don't you understand?

Channukah Songs that Never Quite Caught on:
  - Oy to the World
  - Schlepping through a Winter Wonderland
  - Matzo Man (by the Lower East Side Village People)
  - Come on Baby Light my Menorah
  - Deck the Halls with Balls of Matzos
  - Silent Night? I Should Be So Lucky

++
A woman goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Channukah cards. She
says to the clerk "May I have 50 Channukah stamps please"

"What denomination?" asks the clerk.

The woman says "Oy vay,...my god, has it come to this? Okay, give me 6
orthodox, 12 conservative and 32 reform!"

++
HUNTING ELEPHANTS

MATHEMATICIANS hunt elephants by going to Africa, throwing out everything
that is not an elephant, and catching one of whatever is left.

EXPERIENCED MATHEMATICIANS will attempt to prove the existence of at least
one unique elephant before proceeding to step 1 as a subordinate exercise.

PROFESSORS OF MATHEMATICS will prove the existence of at least one unique
elephant and then leave the detection and capture of an actual elephant as
an exercise for their graduate students.

COMPUTER SCIENTISTS hunt elephants by exercising Algorithm A:
 1. Go to Africa.
 2. Start at the Cape of Good Hope.
 3. Work northward in an orderly manner, traversing the continent
alternately east and west.
 4. During each traverse pass,
 5. Catch each animal seen.
 6. Compare each animal caught to a known elephant.
 7. Stop when a match is detected.

EXPERIENCED COMPUTER PROGRAMMERS modify Algorithm A by placing a known
elephant in Cairo to ensure that the algorithm will terminate.

ASSEMBLY LANGUAGE PROGRAMMERS prefer to execute Algorithm A on their hands
and knees.

HARDWARE ENGINEERS hunt elephants by going to Africa, catching gray animals
at random, and stopping when any one of them weighs within plus or minus 15
percent of any previously observed elephant.

ECONOMISTS don't hunt elephants, but they believe that if elephants are paid
enough, they will hunt themselves.

STATISTICIANS hunt the first animal they see N times and call it an
elephant.

CONSULTANTS don't hunt elephants, and many have never hunted anything at
all, but they can be hired by the hour to advise those people who do.

OPERATIONS RESEARCH CONSULTANTS can also measure the correlation of hat size
and bullet color to the efficiency of elephant-hunting strategies, if
someone else will only identify the elephants.

POLITICIANS don't hunt elephants, but they will share the elephants you
catch with the people who voted for them.

LAWYERS don't hunt elephants, but they do follow the herds around arguing
about who owns the droppings.

SOFTWARE LAWYERS will claim that they own an entire herd based on the look
and feel of one dropping.

VICE PRESIDENTS OF ENGINEERING, RESEARCH, AND DEVELOPMENT Try hard to hunt
elephants, but their staffs are designed to prevent it. When the vice
president does get to hunt elephants, the staff will try to ensure that all
possible elephants are completely preheated before the vice president sees
them. If the vice president does happen to see a elephant, the staff will:
(1) compliment the vice president's keen eyesight and (2) enlarge itself to
prevent any recurrence.

SENIOR MANAGERS set broad elephant-hunting policy based on the assumption
that elephants are just like field mice, but with deeper voices.

QUALITY ASSURANCE INSPECTORS ignore the elephants and look for mistakes the
other hunters made when they were packing the jeep.

SALES PEOPLE don't hunt elephants but spend their time selling elephants
they haven't caught, for delivery two days before the season opens.

SOFTWARE SALES PEOPLE ship the first thing they catch and write up an
invoice for an elephant.

HARDWARE SALES PEOPLE catch rabbits, paint them gray, and sell them as
desktop elephants.

++
You know you're a redneck when..."

 1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.
 2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter.
 3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
 4. You burn your yard rather than mow it.
 5. You think the "Nutcracker" is something you do off the high dive.
 6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture.
 7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want
it.
 8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.
 9. You come back from the dump with more than you took.
10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
12. Your grandmother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.
13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.
14. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
15. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.
16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
17. You have a rag for a gas cap.
18. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
19. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
20. You can spit without opening your mouth.
21. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made
it.
22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
23. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say "Cool Whip" on
the side.
24. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.
25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.
26. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.
27. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does a $100,000 worth of
improvements.
28. You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back.
29. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.
30. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.
31. Somebody tells you that you've got something in your teeth, so you take
them out to see what it is!

 - from Lucy Nicoll

Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day, and they both go
before the angel to find out if they'll be admitted to heaven.
Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the angel must
decide which of them gets in.

The angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to
heaven, whereupon Dolly takes off her top and says, "Look at these. They're
the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure it will please God
to be able to see them every day, for eternity."

The angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same question. The Queen
drops her skirt and panties, takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse,
shakes it up, and douches with it. The angel says, "OK, your Majesty, you
may go in."

Dolly is outraged..."What was that all about? I show you two of God's own
perfect creations and you turn me down. She performs a rude act of hygiene
and she gets in. Would you explain that to me?"

"Sorry, Dolly," says the angel, "but even in heaven, a royal flush beats a
pair, no matter how big they are."

 - from Carol Bagshaw

--
Did you hear about the two blondes who froze to death in a drive-in
movie? They went to see "Closed for the Winter."

***************
Why did the blonde resolve to have only 3 children? She heard that 1 out of
every 4 children born in the world was Chinese.

**************
Did you hear about the near-tragedy at the mall? There was a power outage,
and twelve blondes were stuck on the escalators for over four hours.

**************
A blonde was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad
hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a
repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have
some fun. He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really
hard, and all the dents would pop out. So, the blonde went home, got down on
her hands and knees and started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened.
So she blew a little harder, and still nothing happened. Her roommate,
another blonde, came home and said, "What are you doing?" The first blonde
told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in
order to get all the dents to pop out. The roommate rolled her eyes and
said, "Uh, like hello! You need to roll up the windows first."

****************
A blonde was shopping at a Target Store and came across a silver thermos.
She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and brought it over to
the clerk to ask what it was. The clerk said, "Why, that's a thermos.....it
keeps things hot things hot and cold things cold." "Wow, said the blonde,
"that's amazing....I'm going to buy it!" So she bought the thermos and took
it to work the next day. Her boss saw it on her desk. "What's that,' he
asked? "Why, that's a thermos.....it keeps hot things hot and cold things
cold," she replied. Her boss inquired, What do you have in it?" The blond
replied, "Two popsicle, and some coffee."

****************
Every Sunday, a little old lady placed $1,000 in the collection plate at her
church. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity,
approached her. "Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a
week in the collection plate," he stated. "Why yes," she replied, "every
week my son sends me money, and what I don't need I give to the church." The
pastor replied... "That's wonderful, how much does he send you?" The old
lady said.... "Oh, $20,000 a week. The pastor was amazed... "Your son is
very successful, what does he do for a living? "He is a veterinarian," she
answered. "That is a very honorable profession," the pastor says. "Where
does he practice?" The old lady says proudly...."Well, he has two cat houses
in Las Vegas and one in Reno."

 - from Jimi Pocius

--
A lady who was about seven months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man
opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat.

This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed
more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she
complained to the driver and had the man arrested.

The case came up in court. The judge asked the man what he had to say for
himself. The man replied, "Well, your Honor. It was like this: When the lady
got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a
sign that read: 'The Gold Dust Twins Are Coming,' and I had to smile."

"Then she moved and sat under a sign that read: 'Sloan's Liniment Will
Reduce the Swelling,' and I had to grin."

"Then she placed herself under a sign that read: 'William's Big Stick Did
the Trick,' and I could hardly control myself."

"But, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that read:
'Goodyear Rubber Could Have Prevented This Accident,' I laughed out loud."

"Case Dismissed." replied the Judge.

++
In a tiny village on the Irish coast lived an old lady, a virgin and very
proud of it. Sensing that her final days were rapidly approaching, and
desired to make sure everything was in proper order when she dies, she went
to the town's undertaker (who also happened to be the local postal clerk) to
make the proper "final" arrangements. As a last wish, she informed the
undertaker that she wanted the following inscription engraved on her
tombstone: "BORN A VIRGIN, LIVED AS A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN" Not long after,
the old maid died peacefully. A few days after the funeral, as the
undertaker/postal clerk went to prepare the tombstone that the lady had
requested, it became quite apparent that the tombstone that she had selected
was much too small for the wording that she had chosen. He thought long and
hard about how he could fulfill the old maid's final request, considering!
The very limited space available on the small piece of stone. For days, he
agonized over the dilemma. But finally his experience as a postal worker
allowed him to come up with what he thought was the appropriate solution to
the problem. The virgin's tombstone was finally completed and duly engraved,
and it read as follows:
"RETURNED UNOPENED"


 - from Lucy Nicoll

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