[Rhodes22-list] Tazer Toy. So funny I had to share it.

[Chris Geankoplis]

My God Rummy you just hit me with your Humor Tazer...again.

Chris G
-----Original Message-----
From: R22RumRunner at aol.com <R22RumRunner at aol.com>
To: rhodes22-list at rhodes22.org <rhodes22-list at rhodes22.org>
Date: Sunday, October 03, 2004 12:57 PM
Subject: [Rhodes22-list] Tazer Toy. So funny I had to share it.


>
>My Tazer  Toy
>Dear Friends,
>
>My wife is fond  of saying that my last words on this earth will be
something
>akin to, "Hey  y'all, hold my beer and watch this!" Well, I have outdone
>myself once again. No  doubt you will see this true story   chronicled in a
>LifeTime movie in the  near future. Here goes.
>
>Last weekend I spied something at Larry's Pistol  and Pawn that tickled my
>fancy. (Note: Keep in mind that my "fancy" is  easily tickled). I bought
>something really cool for my wife. The occasion  was our 22nd anniversary
and I
>was looking for a little something extra  for my sweet girl. What I   came
>across was a 100,000-volt,  pocket/purse-sized Tazer gun with a clip.
>
>For those of you who are not  familiar with this product, it is a
>less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal  prongs designed to incapacitate
an assailant
>with a shock of high-voltage, low  amperage electricity while   you flee to
>safety. The effects are supposed  to be short lived, with no long-term
adverse
>affect on your assailant, but  allowing you adequate  time to  retreat to
safety.
>You simply jab the prongs into your 250 lb. Tattooed  assailant, push the
>button, and it will render him a slobbering, goggle-eyed,
muscle-twitching,
>whimpering, pencil-neck geek. If you've never seen one of  these things in
action,
>then you're truly missing out--way too cool!
>
>Long  story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two
>triple-a  batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was
so
>disappointed. Upon reading the directions (we don't need no stinkin'
>directions), I found much to my chagrin that this particular model would
not  create an
>arch between the prongs. How disappointing! I do love fire for effect.  I
>learned that if I pushed the button, however, and pressed it against a
metal
>surface that I'd get the blue arch of
>electricity darting back and forth  between the prongs that I was so
looking
>forward to. I did so. Awesome!!!  Sparks, a blue arch of electricity, and a
>loud pop!!! Yipeeeeee . . I'm easily  amused, just for your information,
but I
>have yet to explain to Kathy what that  burn spot is on the face of her
>microwave.
>
>Okay, so I was home alone with  this new toy, thinking to myself that it
>couldn't be all that bad with only two  triple-a batteries, etc., etc.
There I sat
>in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking  on intently (trusting little soul),
>reading the directions (that would be me,  not Gracie) and thinking that I
>really needed to try this thing out on a flesh  and blood target. I must
admit I
>thought about zapping Gracie for a fraction of  a second and thought better
of
>it. She is such a sweet kitty, after all.
>But,  if I was going to give this thing to Kathy to protect herself
against
>a mugger, I did want some  assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I
>wrong? Was I wrong to think  that? Seemed reasonable to me at the time...
>
>So, there I sat in a pair of  shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses
>perched delicately on the bridge  of my nose, directions in one hand, Tazer
in
>another. The directions said that a  one-second burst would shock and
>disorient your assailant; a two-second burst  was supposed to
>cause muscle spasms and a loss of bodily control; a  three-second burst
would
>purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like  a fish out of
water.
>All the while I'm looking at this little device (measuring  about 5" long,
>less than 3/4 inch in circumference, pretty cute really, and  loaded with
two
>itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no dang  way!" Dang
>way--trust me, but I'm getting ahead of myself.
>
>What happened  next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.
Those
>of you who know me  well have got a pretty good idea of what followed. I'm
>sitting there alone,  Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as
to
>say, "don't do it  buddy," reasoning that a one-second
>burst from such a tiny lil' ole thing  couldn't hurt! all that bad (sound,
>rational thinking under the circumstances,  wouldn't you agree?). I decided
to
>give myself a one-second burst just for the  hell of it. (Note: You know, a
bad
>decision is like hindsight--always  twenty-twenty. It is so obvious that it
>was a bad decision after the fact, even  though it seemed so right at the
time.
>Don't ya hate that?)
>
>I touched the  prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY
>**************!  DAaaaauuuuuuMN!!! I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran
in
>through the front door, picked me up  out of that recliner, then body
slammed me
>on the carpet over and over  again. I vaguely recall waking up  on my side
in
>the fetal position, nipples  on fire, testicles nowhere to  be  found,
soaking
>wet, with my left arm tucked under my body in the  oddest position. Gracie
was
>standing over  me making meowing sounds I had  never heard before, licking
my
>face,  undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do  it again, do it again!" (Note:
>If you  ever feel compelled to mug yourself  with a Tazer, one note of
caution.
>There  is no such thing as a one-second  burst when you zap yourself.
You're
>not  going to let go of that thing  until  it is dislodged from your hand
by a
>violent thrashing about on the floor. Then,  if you're lucky, you won't
>dislodge one of the prongs 1/4" deep in your thigh  like yours truly.)
>SON-OF-A-***** that hurt! A minute or so later (I can't be  sure, as time
was a relative
>thing at this  point), I collected my wits (what little  I had left), sat
up
>and surveyed  the landscape. My reading glasses were on  the mantel of the
>fireplace.  How  did they get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both
breasts
>were  still twitching. My face felt like it had  been shot up with
Novocain, as
>my  bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. give or take an ounce or two, I'm pretty
sure.
>
>By the way, has anyone seen my testicles? I think they ran away.  I'm
>offering a reward. They're  round, rather large, kinda hairy, and handsome
if I
>must say so myself. Miss 'em . . .  sure would like to get 'em back.
>Bobby
>
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