[Rhodes22-list] jokes

[Michael Meltzer]

A very elderly gentleman, (mid nineties) very well dressed, hair well
groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel smelling slightly of a good
after shave, presenting a well looked after image, walks into an upscale
cocktail lounge.

Seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady, (mid eighties).

The gentleman walks over, sits along side of her, orders a drink, takes a
sip, turns to her and says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"

++
After a woman gave birth to her baby, the Doctor stood solemnly beside her
bed. "There is something I must tell you about your baby."

"What's wrong", the alarmed mother asked?

"Your baby is a hermaphrodite."

"What's that?"

"It means your baby has both male and female parts."

"Oh my God, that's wonderful!", the mother said, "You mean it has a penis
and a brain?"

++
Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go
into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in
a passionate embrace.

Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could not contain himself as he
ran home and started to tell his mother, "Mommy, I was at the playground and
I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and
he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt.
Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane ..."

At this point Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an
interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want
to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."

At the dinner table, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his story.

Johnny started his story, "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go
into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt
Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane
helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the
same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army."

++
Saturday morning a deer hunter gets up early, dresses quietly, gets his
lunch made, puts on his long johns, grabs the gun and goes to the garage to
warm up his truck and head down to his favorite hunting area.

He backs his truck out of the garage and discovers the rain is really
pouring down; its like a torrential downpour. There is also some snow mixed
in with the rain, and the wind is blowing 50 MPH. He comes back into the
house and turns the TV to the weather channel. He finds it's going to be bad
weather all day long, so minutes later, he puts his truck in the garage,
quietly undresses and slips back into bed.

There he cuddles up to his wife's back, now with a different anticipation,
and whispers, "The weather out there is really terrible."

To which she sleepily replies, "Can you believe my stupid ass husband is out
hunting in that shit?"

++
A visiting minister waxed eloquent during the offering. "Dear Lord," he
began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned
face, "Without you we are but dust..."

He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter (who
was listening!) leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill
little girl voice, "Mom, what is butt dust?"

++
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly
gates. "In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each
possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He
flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said.

"You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He
shook them and said, "They're bells".

Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates".

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally
pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what
do those symbolize?"

The man replied, "They're Carol's".

 - all from Carol Bagshaw

--
capodefusca.jpg (a picture of Steve Haggerty's new car)

--
World's Thinnest Books

FRENCH WAR HEROES
    by Jacques Chirac

HOW I SERVED MY COUNTRY
    by Jane Fonda

MY BEAUTY SECRETS
    by Janet Reno

HOW TO BUILD YOUR OWN AIRPLANE
    by John Denver

MY SUPER BOWL HIGHLIGHTS
    by Dan Marino

THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL
    by Hillary Clinton

MY LITTLE BOOK OF PERSONAL HYGIENE
    by Osama Bin Laden

THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD
    by Bill Gates

THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY
    by Dennis Rodman

MY WILD YEARS
    by Al Gore

AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC

AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS

DETROIT: a Travel Guide
    by Dan Orlovsky

A COLLECTION of MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES
    by Dr. J. Kevorkian

ALL THE MEN I HAVE LOVED BEFORE
    by Ellen de Generes

GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
    by Mike Tyson

SPOTTED OWL RECIPES
    by the EPA

THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY

MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS
    by O. J. Simpson

And the world's Number One Thinnest Book .

MY BOOK OF MORALS
    by Bill Clinton with introduction by The Rev. Jessie Jackson

 - from Kevin Haggerty

--
Some Things to Do Before the Inaugural

 1. Get that abortion you've always wanted.
 2. Drink a nice clean glass of water.
 3. Cash your social security check.
 4. See a doctor of your own choosing.
 5. Spend quality time with your draft age child/grandchild.
 6. Visit Syria, or any foreign country for that matter.
 7. Get that gas mask you've been putting off buying.
 8. Hoard gasoline.
10. Borrow books from library before they're banned - Constitutional law
books, Catcher in the Rye, Harry Potter, Tropic of Cancer, etc.
11. If you have an idea for an art piece involving a crucifix - do it  now.
12. Come out - then go back in - HURRY!
13. Jam in all the Alzheimer's stem cell research you can.
14. Stay out late before the curfews start.
16. Go see Bruce Springsteen before he has his "accident".
17. Go see Mount Rushmore before the Reagan addition.
18. Use the phrase - "you can't do that - this is America".
19. If you're white - marry a black person, if you're black - marry a white
person.
21. Take a walk in Yosemite, without being hit by a snowmobile or a
base-jumper.
22. Enroll your kid in an accelerated art or music class.
23. Start your school day without a prayer.
24. Pass on the secrets of evolution to future generations.
26. Learn French.
28. Attend a commitment ceremony with your gay friends.
29. Take a factory tour anywhere in the US.
30. Try to take photographs of animals on the endangered species list.
31. Visit Florida before the polar ice caps melt.
32. Visit Nevada before it becomes radioactive.
33. Visit Alaska before "The Big Spill".
34. Visit Massachusetts while it is still a State.

 - from Jay Pocius