[Rhodes22-list] Not a Joke, just Dam Funny

Fri Jun 3 13:55:20 EDT 2005

This is an actual letter sent to a man named Ryan
DeVries by the Michigan Department of Environmental
Quality, State of Michigan.

This guy's response is hilarious, but read the State's
letter before you get to the response letter. 

SUBJECT: DEQ File No.97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20;
Montcalm County

   Dear Mr. DeVries: 

It has come to the attention of the Department of
Environmental Quality that there has been recent
unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel
of property. You have been certified as the legal
landowner and/or contractor who did the following
unauthorized activity: 

Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams
across the outlet stream of Spring Pond.

A permit must be issued prior to the start of this
type of activity.

A review of the Department's files shows that no
permits have been issued.  Therefore, the Department
has determined that this activity is in violation of
Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural
Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of
the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to
324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated. 

The Department has been informed that one or both of
the dam! s partially failed during a recent rain
event, causing debris and flooding at downstream
locations.  We find that dams of this nature are
inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The
Department therefore orders you to cease and desist
all activities at this location, and to restore the
stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood
and brush forming the dams from the stream channel.
All restoration work shall be completed no later than
January 
31, 2003. 

Please notify this office when the restoration has
been completed so that a follow-up site inspection may
be scheduled by our staff.

Failure to comply with this request or any further
unauthorized activity on the site may result in this
case being referred for elevated enforcement action.

We anticipate and would appreciate your full
cooperation in this matter.

Please feel free to contact me at this office if you
have any questions. 

Si! ncerely, 
David L. Price

District Representati ve and Water Management
Division.  

   Here is the actual response sent back by Mr.
DeVries:  

Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20;
Montcalm County.

Dear Mr. Price, 

Your certified letter dated 12/17/02 has been handed
to me to respond to.  I am the legal landowner but not
the Contractor at 2088 Dagget, Pierson, Michigan.

A couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized)
process of constructing and maintaining two wood
"debris" dams across the outlet stream of my Spring
Pond. While I did not pay for, authorize, nor
supervise their dam project, I think they would be
highly offended that you call their skillful use of
natures building materials "debris."
I would like to challenge your department to attempt
to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place
you choose.  I believe I can safely state there is no
way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam
resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam
persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam
work ethic. 

As to your request, I do not think the beavers are
aware that they must first fill out a dam permit prior
to the start of this type of dam activity.
 My first dam question to you is:
(1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring
Pond Beavers, or
(2) do you require all beavers throughout this State
to conform to said dam request?

If you are not discriminating against these particular
beavers, through the Freedom of Information Act, I
request completed copies of all those other applicable
beaver dam permits that have been issued.  Perhaps we
will see if there really is a dam violation of Part
301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource
and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the
Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to
324.30113 of  the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated. 

I have several concerns.  My first concern is; aren't
the beavers entitled to legal representation?  The
Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are
unable to pay for said representation -- so the State
will have to provide them with a dam lawyer.
The Department's dam concern that either one or both
of the dams failed during a recent rain event, causing
flooding, is proof that this is a natural occurrence,
which the Department is required to protect.  In other
words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone
rather than harassing them and calling their dam
names.

If you want the stream "restored" to a dam free-flow
condition please contact the beavers -- but if you are
going to arrest them, they obviously did not pay any
attention to your dam letter, they being unable to
read English. 

In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a
right to build their unauthorized dams as long as the
sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows
downstream.  They have more dam rights than I do to
live and enjoy Spring Pond.  If the Department of
Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives
up to its name, it should protect the natural
resources (Beavers) and the environment  (Beavers'
Dams). 

So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this
dam case can be referred for more elevated enforcement
action right now.  Why wait until 1/31/2003?  The
Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then and
there will be no way for you or your dam staff to
contact/harass them then. 

In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention
to a real environmental quality (health) problem in
the area.  It is the bears!
Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I
definitely believe you should be persecuting the
defecating bears and leave the beavers alone.

If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch
your step!
(The bears are not careful where they dump!) 

Being unable to comply with your dam request, and
being unable to contact you on your dam answering
machine, I am sending this response to your dam
office.

THANK YOU. RYAN DEVRIES & THE DAM BEAVERS 

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