[Rhodes22-list] Sunday Jokes

brad haslett flybrad at yahoo.com
Sun Mar 6 08:16:22 EST 2005


The Heberts were unable to conceive children, and
decided to use a
surrogate father to start their family. On the day the
proxy father was
to arrive, Mr. Hebert kissed his wife and said, "I'm
off. The man should be
here soon".

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door
baby photographer
rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. Good morning
madam. I've come
to...."

"Oh, no need to explain. Come in," Mrs. Hebert cut in.

"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! My
specialty is babies."

That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in
and have a seat."

After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we
start?"

Photographer - "Leave everything to me. I usually try
two in the
bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the
bed. Sometimes the
living room floor is fun too. You can really spread
out!"

Wife - "Bathtub, couch, bed, living room floor? No
wonder it didn't work for my husband and me."

Photographer - "Well, madam, none of us can guarantee
a good one every
time. But if we try several different positions and I
shoot from six or
seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the
results."

Wife - "My, my, that's a lot of...."

Photographer - "Madam, in my line of work, a man must
take his time.
I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd
be disappointed
with that, I'm sure."

Wife (muttering)- "Don't I know it."

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a
portfolio of his
baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus."

Wife - "Oh my god!"

Photographer - "And these twins turned out
exceptionally well, when you
consider their mother was so difficult to work with."

Wife - "She was difficult?"

Photographer - "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to
take her to the
park to get the job done right. People were crowding
around four and
five deep, pushing to get a good look."

Wife - "Four and five deep?" (eyes wide in amazement).

Photographer - "Yes, and for more than three hours,
too. The mother was
constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly
concentrate! Then
darkness approached and I began to rush my shots.
Finally, when the
squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just
packed it all in."

Wife (leaning forward) - "You mean they actually
chewed on your....equipment?"

Photographer - "That's right. Well, madam, if you're
ready, I'll set up
my tripod so that we can get to work"

Wife - "Tripod?"

Photographer - "Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest
my Canon on.
It's much too big for me to hold very long. Madam?
Madam? 

Good Lord, she's fainted!"

---------------------------------------------------

The first Jewish president of the United States is in
the White House.

One day his mother calls him on the telephone.

"Mendle, tomorrow is Hanukkah, I want you should come
home and be with the family."

"But Ma, I'm the president of the United States. I
can't get away. I've got too many things to attend to.
But why don't you come down here for the holiday?"

"No, it's too much trouble. I'm not so young anymore.
I'd have to clean up the apartment, stop delivery of
the newspapers, pack up..."

"Ma, I'm the president of the USA. I'll send some of
my aides and they'll take care of everything for you.
You won't have to lift a finger."

"OK, but then I'd have to book a reservation on a
flight and I know I'll never get a seat one day before
Hanukkah."

"But Ma, I'm the president of the USA. I'll send Air
Force One to pick you up and fly you down here. You'll
travel better than first class."

"OK, but then I'll have to schlep from the airport
into the city, the taxi service in Washington is
terrible, and I'm afraid of the subway."

"Ma .. Ma, I'm the president of the USA. I'll have my
helicopter pick you up at the airport and bring you
straight into the city."

"OK, but then I'll need to get a hotel room and they
are so expensive and you know how I hate hotels."

"Ma, I'm the president of the USA. You'll stay at the
White House and sleep in the Lincoln bedroom."

"Well, OK. I guess I'll come."

So, it was finally settled. The president's mother was
scheduled to leave for DC the next morning to
celebrate Hanukkah with her son.

A few minutes after she hung up from her son, her
friend Minnie called and asked, "So what are you doing
for Hanukkah?"

"I am going to spend it with my son."

"Your son the doctor?"

"No, the other one."

--------------------------------------------------
A young preacher was asked by a funeral director to
hold a graveside service for a man who died with no
family or friends. The funeral was held way back in
the country and the young preacher got lost on the
way. When he arrived an hour late, he saw a backhoe
and crew, but the hearse was nowhere in sight. The
workmen were eating lunch. 
 
The diligent pastor went to the open grave to find the
vault lid in place, but still he poured out his heart
and preached an impassioned and lengthy service.
Returning to his car, the young preacher felt that he
had done his duty and he would leave with a renewed
sense of purpose and dedication, in spite of his
tardiness. 
 
As he got into his car, he overheard one of the
workers talking to another worker: "I've been putting
in septic tanks for 20 years, and I ain't never seen
anything like that before.  Sort of gives new meaning
to the term "Holy Shit."

----------------------------------------------------

"Bear Removers."

A man wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof.
So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough,
there's an ad for "Bear Removers." He calls the
number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30
minutes.

The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van.
He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a
mean old pit bull. "What are you going to do," the
homeowner asks?

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof,
then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off
the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls
off the roof, the pit bull is trained to grab his
testicles and not let go. The bear will then be
subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the
back of the van." He then hands the shotgun to the
homeowner.

"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.

"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog," 
he answers.

---------------------------------------------------

John & Marsha decided that the only way to pull off a
Sunday afternoon
quickie with their 8 year old son in the apartment was
to send him out
on
the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on
all the
neighborhood
activities.
 He began his commentary as his parents put their plan
into operation:
 "There's a car being towed from the parking lot" he
shouted.
 A few moments passed.
 "An ambulance just drove by"
 A few moments later,
 "Looks like the Anderson's have company" he called
out.
 "Matt's riding a new bike....."
 "The Coopers are having sex!!"
 Startled, Mother and Dad shot up in bed!!!
 Dad cautiously asked, "How do you know they are
having sex??"
 "Jimmy Cooper is standing out on his balcony with a
Popsicle too."





 











	
		
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