[Rhodes22-list] Brad: A follow up to the MN story

[Steve Alm]

OK, cut it out you guys!  I'm laughing too hard.  Obviously this is a false
report because never would a Packer fan and a Viking fan collaborate on
anything.  Tell 'em, Rummy!

You just wait until the REAL story breaks:  The Lefse Scandal.

Sven

On 5/19/05 6:00 PM, "Jim White" <jdwhite at utpa.edu> wrote:

> 
> 
> 
> 
> Peace Elusive in Strife-Torn Midwest
> 
> Decorah, IA - Long-simmering tensions in the volatile Midwest erupted into
> violence yesterday, as Lutheran extremists from the shadowy Uff Da group
> claimed responsibility for the early morning egging of Doug's Dairy Freeze
> and igniting a bag of dog excrement that claimed the left shoe of Decorah
> Mayor Harold Zander.
> 
> In a taped statement broadcast during the Morning Soybean Report on radio
> station KOEL in nearby Oelwein, an Uff Da spokesman identified only as
> 'Commandante Greg' said that "the infidels have desecrated the Holy Land
> and now they have paid for their heresy," adding that "God is pretty great,
> you betcha."
> 
> Meanwhile, the Des Moines Register reported that the flare up would likely
> stall negotiations for the historic Midwest Accords.
> 
> Reacting to the latest Presbyterian offer, Urbandale Honda-Acura spokesman
> Kevin Westergaard released a tersely worded statement declaring "I dunno, I
> better talk to my manager about dat."
> 
> Last night's attacks further cemented the Middle West's reputation as a
> powder keg of ethnic antagonism, religious extremism and delicious dairy
> products.
> 
> While the recent events have focused public attention on the region, the
> roots of the current crisis can be traced back decades.
> 
> Ancient Animosities
> 
> Once described by former British Prime Minister Winston Churchill as "an
> enigma, wrapped in a riddle, surrounded by mystery, deep fried and covered
> with melted cheddar," the Midwest has long baffled outsiders.
> 
> The region was first discovered in 1956 by Mark Polo, a Levittown, N.Y.
> accountant, while searching for an overland passage to Anaheim and the
> famed treasures of Disneyland.
> 
> "Polo's young daughter had a notoriously weak bladder, so he was forced to
> seek emergency refuge at the ancient Stuckeys Oasis near Bettendorf, Iowa,"
> explained Julian Whitby, a Senior Fellow at Harvard's Institute for Midwest
> Studies. "He was impressed by the region's rich culture, gigantic pecan
> logs and sparkling clean restrooms."
> 
> So impressed, in fact, that he wrote many postcards praising the area.
> Soon, dozens of station wagon caravans would venture west on Interstate 80
> - the legendary "Cornsilk Road" - in search of exotic jackalopes and
> comically giant ears of corn.
> 
> This wave of strange outlanders from the East caused alarm among Midwestern
> traditionalist.
> 
> "Many, especially the Lutheran hierarchy, came to see the outsiders as a
> threat to their culture and way of life, infidel crusaders bent on
> pillaging their cinnamon rolls and Old Style," said Whitby.
> 
> A Turning Point
> 
> Regional tensions further escalated after the 1964 settlement of
> Presbyterian refugees from Pennsylvania near Zionsville, Indiana. Those
> tensions simmered steadily before finally erupting nearly a decade later.
> 
> In 1973, enraged Lutherans challenge the Presbyterians to a slo-pitch
> softball game, and were subsequently humiliated 463-2. Adding insult, the
> Lutherans were forced to cede five kegs of Hamms to the victorious
> Presbyterians.
> 
> While the fateful "7 Inning War" secured a Presbyterian presence in the
> region, it also stoked a new wave of resentment among Lutherans.
> 
> A new generation of disaffected Lutheran youth from South Dakota to Ohio
> turned to violence, smashing Presbyterian mailboxes and crushing themselves
> under Presbyterian holsteins during kamikaze cow tipping missions. But
> nothing has stoked Lutheran rage more than the influence of California.
> 
> Many here see the state as the embodiment of evil, a dark force funding the
> Presbyterians of Zionsville and corrupting Lutheran youth with its decadent
> culture.
> 
> Pastor Duane Gunderson, the enigmatic spiritual leader of the Uff Da
> movement, is outspoken in his condemnation of Californianism.
> 
> "Does not Zionsville get its decadent softball uniforms from California?"
> Gunderson asked in a recent interview with the French newspaper Le Monde .
> "The West blasphemes the holy land with its extreme skateboards and
> pretentious shrimp and goat cheese pizzas. It is the infidel of a thousand
> infidels, dontcha know."
> 
> The Voice of Lutheran Rage
> 
> Although he disavowed any prior knowledge of yesterday's attacks, many
> believe the brooding, charismatic Gunderson was their mastermind.
> 
> The son of a wealthy Minneapolis basement paneling contractor and school
> secretary, analysts say Gunderson was radicalized after a chance 1972
> meeting with teen actress Maureen McCormick, who played Marcia Brady in the
> television program The Brady Bunch.
> 
> "He was a gawky, 14-year old Midwesterner on his first California
> vacation," said Stanley Shapiro of the Georgetown Center for Intra-national
> Strategy.
> 
> "During a studio tour, he saw McCormick in a studio commissary, and became
> tongue-tied when he tried to ask for her autograph. When the young starlet
> laughed at his stammering, he wet his pants and ran away in tears," said
> Shapiro.
> 
> "That's the key to understanding regional tensions," adds Shapiro. "It's
> always Marcia, Marcia, Marcia."
> 
> The traumatic encounter hardened Gunderson, whose psychosexual rage toward
> the West was soon channeled into a fanatical vision of Midwestern orthodox
> purity.
> 
> After two years in a Lutheran seminary in Wayzata, Minn., he broke with the
> traditional church, ordained himself and moved to Iowa, long notorious for
> its violent strains of radical Midwesternism.
> 
> Gunderson's fiery rhetoric and defiant disdain for the Pacific Time Zone
> found fertile ground in the fertile ground in North Central Iowa,
> especially among dispossessed young men. He recruited acolytes at local
> pancake breakfasts and boat shows.
> 
> To the faithful who joined his nascent Uff Da movement, he offered an
> eternal paradise filled with free Leinenkugel and Marlboro Lights, with
> 72-piece Craftsman socket sets sworn to martyrs.
> 
> Many young recruits were dazzled by Gunderson's svengali-like charisma and
> his fastidious rejection of post-1972 modernism.
> 
> He shaves twice daily, and is seldom photographed without the traditional
> cleric's garb; a striped, short sleeve Towncrest dress shirt, brown rayon
> tie and half-plastic, half-wire eyeglasses. When outside his vinyl-sided
> bungalow, he covers his head in the characteristic comb-over of the
> Lutheran pastor .
> 
> Inspired by Gunderson's example, Uff Da members reject modernism as well.
> Young men of the movement are admonished if they are appear in public
> without the traditional Farah or Jaymar Sans-A-Belt dress slacks, and must
> be groomed according to the ancient code of Brylcreem and Lectri-Shave .
> 
> The ultra-orthodox Yokel movement goes even further, wearing Big Mac bib
> overalls and DeKalb ventilated gimme caps.
> 
> Strict dress codes also apply to the women of Uff Da society. Females over
> the age of five wear the traditional outfit, a lime-green pantsuit made
> from woven polyester, and knee-length down parkas. Eyeglasses must be worn,
> with a minimum diameter of 6 inches, along with traditional flip-curl bangs
> or frizz permanents.
> 
> Feminist organizations have voiced alarm over the society's strictly
> proscribed gender roles.
> 
> "Uff Da society follows a very primitive hunter-collector model, and its
> women are forced to do the collecting," says Emily Bruns of NOW. "Mostly
> Precious Moments figurines and Beanie Babies."
> 
> Exporting Midwest Lutheran Radicalism
> 
> At first, Gunderson's Uff Da movement claimed only to be interested in
> self-determination and the nuclear annihilation of Zionsville, Ind. Soon,
> though, it appeared the group had adopted a much more ambitious and radical
> agenda.
> 
> Utilizing advanced satellite imagery techniques and Osco One Hour Photo
> kiosks, intelligence services have identified secret Uff Da training camps
> throughout the region. The grainy images show dozens of Lutheran radicals
> receiving instructions in advanced techniques of petty vandalism.
> 
> Smuggled video shows fierce trainees in Green Bay Packer and Minnesota
> Viking ski masks, scaling water towers and railroad bridges, spray painting
> radical propaganda messages like "I [heart] Uff Da" and "Class of '02 Rulz."
> 
> "We still don't know where they get their toilet paper and spray paint, but
> we cannot rule out state sponsorship," said Shapiro. "Jesse Ventura denies
> any connection to Uff Da, but he may be intimidated by affiliated Lutheran
> extremists groups in Minnesota, like Hamm-as."
> 
> Egging on Terror
> 
> Last night's egg attack on Doug's Dairy Freeze was apparently motivated by
> its new 'California Fruit Shake.'
> 
> Investigators believe the attackers may also be linked to the daring
> mid-day egging of an Abercrombie & Fitch delivery truck at the Merle Hay
> Mall in Des Moines.
> 
> The group's recent success and lack of Western response has spawned a
> growing sense of regional fanaticism. According to recent reports, Uff Da
> cells have sprung up as far away as Lebanon, Ohio and Palestine, Texas.
> 
> Though it is unclear what the group's ultimate aims are, the recent events
> have given analysts pause.
> 
> "In communiques to followers, Gunderson has called for a unified purist
> Midwestern state," said Harvard's Whitby. "He envisions a vast homeland
> stretching from the Holy Corn Palace in Mitchell, South Dakota, eastward to
> the Wisconsin Dells. The geopolitical ramifications are unthinkable."
> 
> With growing waves of violence moving ever westward, some worry that
> California itself is now vulnerable.
> 
> "There is a large Midwestern refugee community on the West Coast,
> especially around Long Beach," said Whitby. "Many are sympathetic to
> Gunderson and Uff Da, and police have intercepted several Winnebagos filled
> with Lutheran radicals as far west as Elko, Nevada."
> 
> "And remember, these men are fueled on a diet of bratwurst, dairy products
> and 3.2 beer," Whitby added ominously. "We can't rule out a biological
> attack."
> 
> 
> J.D. White
> UTPA Coastal Studies Laboratory
> 100 Marine Lab Drive
> South Padre Island, TX. 78597
> (Ph.)   956.761.2644
> (Fax)   956.761.2913
> (Cell)  956.346.6552
> jdwhite at utpa.edu
> __________________________________________________
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