[Rhodes22-list] Brad: A follow up to the MN story

[Steve Alm]

WARNING:  For any of you infidel Swedes or Catholics that might be thinking
of desecrating any lefse,  I will hunt you down like the dogs you are!
Sven

On 5/19/05 7:12 PM, "Steve Alm" <salm at mn.rr.com> wrote:

> OK, cut it out you guys!  I'm laughing too hard.  Obviously this is a false
> report because never would a Packer fan and a Viking fan collaborate on
> anything.  Tell 'em, Rummy!
> 
> You just wait until the REAL story breaks:  The Lefse Scandal.
> 
> Sven
> 
> On 5/19/05 6:00 PM, "Jim White" <jdwhite at utpa.edu> wrote:
> 
>> 
>> 
>> 
>> 
>> Peace Elusive in Strife-Torn Midwest
>> 
>> Decorah, IA - Long-simmering tensions in the volatile Midwest erupted into
>> violence yesterday, as Lutheran extremists from the shadowy Uff Da group
>> claimed responsibility for the early morning egging of Doug's Dairy Freeze
>> and igniting a bag of dog excrement that claimed the left shoe of Decorah
>> Mayor Harold Zander.
>> 
>> In a taped statement broadcast during the Morning Soybean Report on radio
>> station KOEL in nearby Oelwein, an Uff Da spokesman identified only as
>> 'Commandante Greg' said that "the infidels have desecrated the Holy Land
>> and now they have paid for their heresy," adding that "God is pretty great,
>> you betcha."
>> 
>> Meanwhile, the Des Moines Register reported that the flare up would likely
>> stall negotiations for the historic Midwest Accords.
>> 
>> Reacting to the latest Presbyterian offer, Urbandale Honda-Acura spokesman
>> Kevin Westergaard released a tersely worded statement declaring "I dunno, I
>> better talk to my manager about dat."
>> 
>> Last night's attacks further cemented the Middle West's reputation as a
>> powder keg of ethnic antagonism, religious extremism and delicious dairy
>> products.
>> 
>> While the recent events have focused public attention on the region, the
>> roots of the current crisis can be traced back decades.
>> 
>> Ancient Animosities
>> 
>> Once described by former British Prime Minister Winston Churchill as "an
>> enigma, wrapped in a riddle, surrounded by mystery, deep fried and covered
>> with melted cheddar," the Midwest has long baffled outsiders.
>> 
>> The region was first discovered in 1956 by Mark Polo, a Levittown, N.Y.
>> accountant, while searching for an overland passage to Anaheim and the
>> famed treasures of Disneyland.
>> 
>> "Polo's young daughter had a notoriously weak bladder, so he was forced to
>> seek emergency refuge at the ancient Stuckeys Oasis near Bettendorf, Iowa,"
>> explained Julian Whitby, a Senior Fellow at Harvard's Institute for Midwest
>> Studies. "He was impressed by the region's rich culture, gigantic pecan
>> logs and sparkling clean restrooms."
>> 
>> So impressed, in fact, that he wrote many postcards praising the area.
>> Soon, dozens of station wagon caravans would venture west on Interstate 80
>> - the legendary "Cornsilk Road" - in search of exotic jackalopes and
>> comically giant ears of corn.
>> 
>> This wave of strange outlanders from the East caused alarm among Midwestern
>> traditionalist.
>> 
>> "Many, especially the Lutheran hierarchy, came to see the outsiders as a
>> threat to their culture and way of life, infidel crusaders bent on
>> pillaging their cinnamon rolls and Old Style," said Whitby.
>> 
>> A Turning Point
>> 
>> Regional tensions further escalated after the 1964 settlement of
>> Presbyterian refugees from Pennsylvania near Zionsville, Indiana. Those
>> tensions simmered steadily before finally erupting nearly a decade later.
>> 
>> In 1973, enraged Lutherans challenge the Presbyterians to a slo-pitch
>> softball game, and were subsequently humiliated 463-2. Adding insult, the
>> Lutherans were forced to cede five kegs of Hamms to the victorious
>> Presbyterians.
>> 
>> While the fateful "7 Inning War" secured a Presbyterian presence in the
>> region, it also stoked a new wave of resentment among Lutherans.
>> 
>> A new generation of disaffected Lutheran youth from South Dakota to Ohio
>> turned to violence, smashing Presbyterian mailboxes and crushing themselves
>> under Presbyterian holsteins during kamikaze cow tipping missions. But
>> nothing has stoked Lutheran rage more than the influence of California.
>> 
>> Many here see the state as the embodiment of evil, a dark force funding the
>> Presbyterians of Zionsville and corrupting Lutheran youth with its decadent
>> culture.
>> 
>> Pastor Duane Gunderson, the enigmatic spiritual leader of the Uff Da
>> movement, is outspoken in his condemnation of Californianism.
>> 
>> "Does not Zionsville get its decadent softball uniforms from California?"
>> Gunderson asked in a recent interview with the French newspaper Le Monde .
>> "The West blasphemes the holy land with its extreme skateboards and
>> pretentious shrimp and goat cheese pizzas. It is the infidel of a thousand
>> infidels, dontcha know."
>> 
>> The Voice of Lutheran Rage
>> 
>> Although he disavowed any prior knowledge of yesterday's attacks, many
>> believe the brooding, charismatic Gunderson was their mastermind.
>> 
>> The son of a wealthy Minneapolis basement paneling contractor and school
>> secretary, analysts say Gunderson was radicalized after a chance 1972
>> meeting with teen actress Maureen McCormick, who played Marcia Brady in the
>> television program The Brady Bunch.
>> 
>> "He was a gawky, 14-year old Midwesterner on his first California
>> vacation," said Stanley Shapiro of the Georgetown Center for Intra-national
>> Strategy.
>> 
>> "During a studio tour, he saw McCormick in a studio commissary, and became
>> tongue-tied when he tried to ask for her autograph. When the young starlet
>> laughed at his stammering, he wet his pants and ran away in tears," said
>> Shapiro.
>> 
>> "That's the key to understanding regional tensions," adds Shapiro. "It's
>> always Marcia, Marcia, Marcia."
>> 
>> The traumatic encounter hardened Gunderson, whose psychosexual rage toward
>> the West was soon channeled into a fanatical vision of Midwestern orthodox
>> purity.
>> 
>> After two years in a Lutheran seminary in Wayzata, Minn., he broke with the
>> traditional church, ordained himself and moved to Iowa, long notorious for
>> its violent strains of radical Midwesternism.
>> 
>> Gunderson's fiery rhetoric and defiant disdain for the Pacific Time Zone
>> found fertile ground in the fertile ground in North Central Iowa,
>> especially among dispossessed young men. He recruited acolytes at local
>> pancake breakfasts and boat shows.
>> 
>> To the faithful who joined his nascent Uff Da movement, he offered an
>> eternal paradise filled with free Leinenkugel and Marlboro Lights, with
>> 72-piece Craftsman socket sets sworn to martyrs.
>> 
>> Many young recruits were dazzled by Gunderson's svengali-like charisma and
>> his fastidious rejection of post-1972 modernism.
>> 
>> He shaves twice daily, and is seldom photographed without the traditional
>> cleric's garb; a striped, short sleeve Towncrest dress shirt, brown rayon
>> tie and half-plastic, half-wire eyeglasses. When outside his vinyl-sided
>> bungalow, he covers his head in the characteristic comb-over of the
>> Lutheran pastor .
>> 
>> Inspired by Gunderson's example, Uff Da members reject modernism as well.
>> Young men of the movement are admonished if they are appear in public
>> without the traditional Farah or Jaymar Sans-A-Belt dress slacks, and must
>> be groomed according to the ancient code of Brylcreem and Lectri-Shave .
>> 
>> The ultra-orthodox Yokel movement goes even further, wearing Big Mac bib
>> overalls and DeKalb ventilated gimme caps.
>> 
>> Strict dress codes also apply to the women of Uff Da society. Females over
>> the age of five wear the traditional outfit, a lime-green pantsuit made
>> from woven polyester, and knee-length down parkas. Eyeglasses must be worn,
>> with a minimum diameter of 6 inches, along with traditional flip-curl bangs
>> or frizz permanents.
>> 
>> Feminist organizations have voiced alarm over the society's strictly
>> proscribed gender roles.
>> 
>> "Uff Da society follows a very primitive hunter-collector model, and its
>> women are forced to do the collecting," says Emily Bruns of NOW. "Mostly
>> Precious Moments figurines and Beanie Babies."
>> 
>> Exporting Midwest Lutheran Radicalism
>> 
>> At first, Gunderson's Uff Da movement claimed only to be interested in
>> self-determination and the nuclear annihilation of Zionsville, Ind. Soon,
>> though, it appeared the group had adopted a much more ambitious and radical
>> agenda.
>> 
>> Utilizing advanced satellite imagery techniques and Osco One Hour Photo
>> kiosks, intelligence services have identified secret Uff Da training camps
>> throughout the region. The grainy images show dozens of Lutheran radicals
>> receiving instructions in advanced techniques of petty vandalism.
>> 
>> Smuggled video shows fierce trainees in Green Bay Packer and Minnesota
>> Viking ski masks, scaling water towers and railroad bridges, spray painting
>> radical propaganda messages like "I [heart] Uff Da" and "Class of '02 Rulz."
>> 
>> "We still don't know where they get their toilet paper and spray paint, but
>> we cannot rule out state sponsorship," said Shapiro. "Jesse Ventura denies
>> any connection to Uff Da, but he may be intimidated by affiliated Lutheran
>> extremists groups in Minnesota, like Hamm-as."
>> 
>> Egging on Terror
>> 
>> Last night's egg attack on Doug's Dairy Freeze was apparently motivated by
>> its new 'California Fruit Shake.'
>> 
>> Investigators believe the attackers may also be linked to the daring
>> mid-day egging of an Abercrombie & Fitch delivery truck at the Merle Hay
>> Mall in Des Moines.
>> 
>> The group's recent success and lack of Western response has spawned a
>> growing sense of regional fanaticism. According to recent reports, Uff Da
>> cells have sprung up as far away as Lebanon, Ohio and Palestine, Texas.
>> 
>> Though it is unclear what the group's ultimate aims are, the recent events
>> have given analysts pause.
>> 
>> "In communiques to followers, Gunderson has called for a unified purist
>> Midwestern state," said Harvard's Whitby. "He envisions a vast homeland
>> stretching from the Holy Corn Palace in Mitchell, South Dakota, eastward to
>> the Wisconsin Dells. The geopolitical ramifications are unthinkable."
>> 
>> With growing waves of violence moving ever westward, some worry that
>> California itself is now vulnerable.
>> 
>> "There is a large Midwestern refugee community on the West Coast,
>> especially around Long Beach," said Whitby. "Many are sympathetic to
>> Gunderson and Uff Da, and police have intercepted several Winnebagos filled
>> with Lutheran radicals as far west as Elko, Nevada."
>> 
>> "And remember, these men are fueled on a diet of bratwurst, dairy products
>> and 3.2 beer," Whitby added ominously. "We can't rule out a biological
>> attack."
>> 
>> 
>> J.D. White
>> UTPA Coastal Studies Laboratory
>> 100 Marine Lab Drive
>> South Padre Island, TX. 78597
>> (Ph.)   956.761.2644
>> (Fax)   956.761.2913
>> (Cell)  956.346.6552
>> jdwhite at utpa.edu
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