[Rhodes22-list] The Annual Christmas Party

[Bill Effros]

very funny
\
Bill Effros

Hank wrote:
> Ain't diversification great!
>
> Hank
>
>
> *****************************************
>
> FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
>
> TO: All Employees
> DATE: October 1, 2006
> RE: Christmas Party
>
> I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take 
> place on
> December 23, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill
> House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small
> band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along.
>
> And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A
> Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00pm. Exchange of gifts among 
> employees can
> be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the
> giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for
> employees! Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!
>
> Merry Christmas to you and your family.
>
> Patty
>
> * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
>
> FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
> TO: All Employees
> DATE: October 2, 2006
> RE: Holiday Party
>
> In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish 
> employees. We
> recognize that Hanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides 
> with
> Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're
> calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other
> employees who are not Christians or those still celebrating 
> Reconciliation
> Day. There will be no Christmas tree present. No Christmas carols 
> sung. We
> will have other types of music for your enjoyment.
>
> Happy now?
>
> Happy Holidays to you and your family.
>
> Patty
>
> * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
>
> FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
> TO: All Employees
> DATE: October 3, 2006
> RE: Holiday Party
>
> Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous
> requesting a non-drinking table - you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to
> accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA
> Only," you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle 
> this?
>
> Somebody?
>
> Forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts exchange are allowed since the
> union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and executives believe
> $10.00 is a little chintzy.
>
> NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
>
> * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
>
> FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
> To: All Employees
> DATE: October 4, 2006
> RE: Holiday Party
>
> What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the
> Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during
> daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a
> luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees'
> beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal 
> until the
> end of the party, or else package everything for you to take it home in
> little foil doggy baggy. Will that work?
>
> Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit 
> farthest from
> the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the
> restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not 
> have to
> sit with gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be 
> flower
> arrangement for the gay men's table. To the person asking permission to
> cross dress, no cross-dressing allowed though. We will have booster seats
> for short people. Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet. We
> cannot control the salt used in the food we suggest for those people with
> high blood pressure to taste first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert
> for diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry!
>
> Did I miss anything?!?!?
>
> Patty
>
> * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
>
> FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
> TO: All F**king Employees
> DATE: October 5, 2006
> RE: The Fraking Holiday Party
>
> Vegetarian pricks! I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep 
> this
> party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit 
> quietly
> at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly 
> put it,
> and you'll get your f**king salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But 
> you
> know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've
> heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW! I hope you all 
> have a
> rotten holiday!
>
> Drive drunk and die.
>
> The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!!
>
> * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
>
> FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
> DATE: October 6, 2006
> RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party
>
> I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy 
> recovery and
> I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, 
> management has
> decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of 
> the
> 23rd off with full pay.
>
> Happy Holidays!
> __________________________________________________
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