[Rhodes22-list] jokes

[Michael Meltzer]

Colonoscopies are no joke , but these comments during the exam were
quite
humorous. A physician claimed that the following are actual comments
made by
his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their
colonoscopies:

 1. "Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone
before!"
 2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"
 3. "Can you hear me NOW?"
 4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"
 5. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."
 6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"
 7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out..."
 8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"
 9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!"
10. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."
11. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"
12. "God, now I know why I am not gay."

And the best one of all...

13. "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up
here?"

 - from Ron Coveney

--
This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years.
The
only friction in there marriage was the husband's habit of farting
loudly
every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell
would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every morning she
would
plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick.
He
told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural.

She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would
blow
his guts out. The years went by and he continued to rip them out!

Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner
and
he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put
the
turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a
malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where
her
husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she
pulled
back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of
turkey
guts into his shorts.

Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting
which
was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic
footsteps
as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself as
she
rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture
she
reckoned she had got him back pretty good. About twenty minutes later,
her
husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of
horror
on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter.

He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me and
I
didn't listen to you."

"What do you mean?" asked his wife.

"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts
out,
and today it finally happened! But by the grace of God, some Vaseline,
and
two fingers, I think I got most of them back in."

 - from Cal Turner