[Rhodes22-list] Jokes

[Michel Meltzer]

"Why God made moms" answers given by elementary school age children to
the following questions:
 
Why did God make mothers?
 1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
 2. Mostly to clean the house.
 3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

How did God make mothers?
 1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
 2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
 3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger
parts.

What ingredients are mothers made of?
 1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice
in the world and one dab of mean.
 2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use
string, I think.

Why did God give you your mother and not some other Mom?
 1. We're related.
 2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.

What kind of little girl was your Mom?
 1. My Mom has always been my Mom and none of that other stuff.
 2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty
bossy.
 3. They say she used to be nice.

What did Mom need to know about dad before she married him?
 1. His last name.
 2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get
drunk on beer?
 3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to
chores?

Why did your Mom marry your dad?
 1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom eats a lot.
 2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
 3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on.

Who's the boss at your house?
 1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a
goof ball.
 2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the
bed.
 3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.

What's the difference between moms and dads?
 1. Moms work at work & work at home, & dads just go to work at work.
 2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
 3. Dads are taller & stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause
that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.
Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.

What does your Mom do in her spare time?
 1. Mothers don't do spare time.
 2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.

What would it take to make your Mom perfect?
 1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of
plastic surgery.
 2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue

If you could change one thing about your Mom, what would it be?
 1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid
of that.
 2 I'd make my Mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did
it and not me.
 3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on her back.

==============================
THE MOMMY TEST
I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter. She picked up something
off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away
from her and I asked her not to do that.

"Why?" my daughter asked.

"Because it's been laying outside, you don't know where it's been, it's
dirty and probably has germs" I replied.

At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and
asked,"Wow! How do you know all this stuff?"

"Uh," ...I was thinking quickly,"All moms know this stuff. It's on the
Mommy Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mommy."

We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently
pondering this new information. "OH...I get it!" she beamed, "So if you
don't pass the test you
have to be the daddy."

"Exactly" I replied back with a big smile on my face and joy in my
heart.

=====================
Too cute!
"Dear Lord," the preacher began with arms extended and a rapturous look
upon his upturned face, "without you we are but dust..."

He would have continued, but at that moment one very obedient little
girl (who was listening carefully) leaned over to her mother and asked
quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, "Mommy, WHAT is butt
dust?"

Church was pretty much over at that point...
 

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WINTER CLASSES FOR MEN AT THE LEARNING CENTER FOR ADULTS
REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED BY Monday, Jan. 26, 2006

NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL OF THEIR CONTENTS,
CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.


Class 1
How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays --- Step by Step, with Slide
Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 2
The Toilet Paper Roll --- Does It Change Itself? Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3
Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and
Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub? --- Group Practice.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor ---
Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5
After Dinner Dishes --- Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM

Class 6
Loss Of Identity --- Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other. Help
Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7
Learning How To Find Things --- Starting With Looking In The Right
Places And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming. Open Forum
.
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8
Health Watch --- Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health.
Graphics and Audio Tapes.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9
Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost --- Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 10
Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

Class 11
Learning to Live --- Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife. Online
Classes and role-playing .
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

Class 12
How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion. Relaxation Exercises, Meditation
and Breathing Techniques.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 13
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy --- Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries
and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 14
The Stove/Oven --- What It Is and How It Is Used. Live Demonstration.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.

Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to
the survivors.
 

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