[Rhodes22-list] Politics: Revocation of Independence (political)

[Herb Parsons]

Dear forgetful writer. How many times do you guys have to get your asses kicked before you realize you lost?

As brother Jimmy Horton said:

"We fired our guns and the British kept a'comin.
There wasn't nigh as many as there was a while ago.
We fired once more and they began to runnin'
down the Mississippi to the Gulf of Mexico."


Herb Parsons

S/V O'Jure
1976 O'Day 25
Lake Grapevine, N TX

S/V Reve de Papa
1971 Coronado 35
Lake Pontchartrain, Louisiana Coast 

>>> bill at effros.com 9/29/2006 1:19:50 pm >>>
To the citizens of the United States of America

In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and 
thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of 
your independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II, will resume monarchical 
duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories (except 
Kansas, which she does not fancy), as from Monday next.

Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for America 
without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be 
disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine 
whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following 
rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. 
Then look up "aluminium," and check the pronunciation guide. You will be 
amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in wRevords such as 'colour', 
'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' 
without skipping half the letters, and the suffix "ize" will be replaced 
by the suffix "ise."

3. You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra'; you may 
elect to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you find you simply can't 
cope with correct pronunciation.

4. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to 
acceptable levels (look up "vocabulary"). Using the same twenty-seven 
words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is 
unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.

5.There is no such thing as "US English." We will let Microsoft know on 
your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take 
account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize."

6. You will relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", 
but only after fully carrying out Task #1 (see above).

7. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. November 2nd will 
be a new national holiday, but to be celebrated only inEngland. It will 
be called "Come-Uppance Day."

8. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers 
or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists 
shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only 
be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out 
without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown 
up enough to handle a gun.

9. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything 
more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you 
wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

10. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for 
your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we 
mean.

11. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will 
start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you 
will go metric immediately and without the benefit of conversion tables. 
Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British 
sense of humour.

12. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been 
calling "gasoline") -roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.

13. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French 
fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato 
chips are properly called "crisps." Real chips are thick cut, fried in 
animal fat, and dressed not with mayonnaise but with vinegar.

14. Waiters and waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with 
customers.

15. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually 
beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to 
as "beer," and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be 
referred to as "Lager." American brands will be referred to as 
"Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine," so that all can be sold without risk of 
further confusion.

16. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as 
good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to 
play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English 
dialogue in "Four Weddings and a Funeral" was an experience akin to 
having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

17. You will cease playing American "football." There is only one kind 
of proper football; you call it "soccer". Those of you brave enough 
will, in time, will be allowed to play rugby (which has some 
similarities to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a 
rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a 
bunch of nancies).

18. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to 
host an event called the "World Series" for a game which is not played 
outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a 
world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.

19. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

20. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's 
Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all 
monies due backdated to 1776.

Thank you for your co-operation.

(Not written by me, not written by John Cleese, either--just passed along.)

Bill Effros
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