[Rhodes22-list] Politics: Revocation of Independence (political)

[Brad Haslett]

Herb,

Here's an MP3 of Jimmy Driftwood who wrote the Horton song.  I'll always
have a soft spot in my heart for Arkansas.  They've forgiven themselves for
Billy and only wish he'd take his double-wide to tomorrow's blow job down
river. Driftwood grew-up in Mountain View.  MV is as beautiful a place in
the world as any.  Trout fishing at Gastons anyone?

Brad


http://encyclopediaofarkansas.net/media/gallery/Audio/jimmy_driftwood_song.mp3

On 9/29/06, Herb Parsons <hparsons at parsonsys.com> wrote:
>
> Dear forgetful writer. How many times do you guys have to get your asses
> kicked before you realize you lost?
>
> As brother Jimmy Horton said:
>
> "We fired our guns and the British kept a'comin.
> There wasn't nigh as many as there was a while ago.
> We fired once more and they began to runnin'
> down the Mississippi to the Gulf of Mexico."
>
>
> Herb Parsons
>
> S/V O'Jure
> 1976 O'Day 25
> Lake Grapevine, N TX
>
> S/V Reve de Papa
> 1971 Coronado 35
> Lake Pontchartrain, Louisiana Coast
>
> >>> bill at effros.com 9/29/2006 1:19:50 pm >>>
> To the citizens of the United States of America
>
> In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and
> thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of
> your independence, effective immediately.
>
> Her Sovereign Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II, will resume monarchical
> duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories (except
> Kansas, which she does not fancy), as from Monday next.
>
> Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for America
> without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be
> disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine
> whether any of you noticed.
>
> To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following
> rules are introduced with immediate effect:
>
> 1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.
> Then look up "aluminium," and check the pronunciation guide. You will be
> amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
>
> 2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in wRevords such as 'colour',
> 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut'
> without skipping half the letters, and the suffix "ize" will be replaced
> by the suffix "ise."
>
> 3. You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra'; you may
> elect to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you find you simply can't
> cope with correct pronunciation.
>
> 4. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to
> acceptable levels (look up "vocabulary"). Using the same twenty-seven
> words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is
> unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.
>
> 5.There is no such thing as "US English." We will let Microsoft know on
> your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take
> account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize."
>
> 6. You will relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen",
> but only after fully carrying out Task #1 (see above).
>
> 7. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. November 2nd will
> be a new national holiday, but to be celebrated only inEngland. It will
> be called "Come-Uppance Day."
>
> 8. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers
> or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists
> shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only
> be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out
> without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown
> up enough to handle a gun.
>
> 9. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything
> more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you
> wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
>
> 10. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for
> your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we
> mean.
>
> 11. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will
> start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you
> will go metric immediately and without the benefit of conversion tables.
> Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British
> sense of humour.
>
> 12. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been
> calling "gasoline") -roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.
>
> 13. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French
> fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato
> chips are properly called "crisps." Real chips are thick cut, fried in
> animal fat, and dressed not with mayonnaise but with vinegar.
>
> 14. Waiters and waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with
> customers.
>
> 15. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually
> beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to
> as "beer," and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be
> referred to as "Lager." American brands will be referred to as
> "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine," so that all can be sold without risk of
> further confusion.
>
> 16. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as
> good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to
> play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English
> dialogue in "Four Weddings and a Funeral" was an experience akin to
> having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
>
> 17. You will cease playing American "football." There is only one kind
> of proper football; you call it "soccer". Those of you brave enough
> will, in time, will be allowed to play rugby (which has some
> similarities to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a
> rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a
> bunch of nancies).
>
> 18. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to
> host an event called the "World Series" for a game which is not played
> outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a
> world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.
>
> 19. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
>
> 20. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's
> Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all
> monies due backdated to 1776.
>
> Thank you for your co-operation.
>
> (Not written by me, not written by John Cleese, either--just passed
> along.)
>
> Bill Effros
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